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My Dad makes me uncomfortable

3 replies

goodnightandgo · 22/07/2024 21:38

My Dad is very emotionally stunted and never really grew up. He would constantly go around to his parents and ask them for money, ask them to buy him a car, a computer, etc. He would 'borrow' our birthday money when we were little and we would sometimes never get it back. My grandparents opened a savings account for me when I was born and he withdrew all the money from it and spent it when I was a baby. He has been unemployed for years, living off my DM and his parents. As soon as I got my first job at 16 he started asking to borrow money from me. 'Borrow' is a loose term because how can someone unemployed pay you back. He withdrew and spent all his pension money (from the few years he did work when he was in his 20s and 30s) and just wasted it all on a motorbike and other rubbish.

He can't comprehend that being unemployed means he can't just get what he wants. Any time he would do me a favour he would hint/joke about wanting to be paid for it, like dropping me off at my university halls when I was a student, or helping me put together furniture. It makes me cringe and feel so uncomfortable and I don't know why.

It doesn't just extend to money. Growing up I have had to hear all about his loneliness, his marriage issues with my Mum, his depression, his affair and that carries on now. I tell him that I don't want to hear it, but he ignores me and says he has no one else to talk to.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/07/2024 21:41

It sounds like he doesn't have appropriate boundaries in your relationship, with money and with interesting his partner relationships.

My dad always jokes about being paid, it's always a pound. Dad have you got a spare tissue, pound please, dad can you pass me my keys, pound, but also dad can you give me a lift to the airport at 3am - ooh that might be a fiver that one, oh go on then a pound will do. The joke is that he'd never take money from me ever and I struggle to get him to let me pay for coffee/lunch. That doesn't sound like the case for you.

goodnightandgo · 22/07/2024 22:02

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/07/2024 21:41

It sounds like he doesn't have appropriate boundaries in your relationship, with money and with interesting his partner relationships.

My dad always jokes about being paid, it's always a pound. Dad have you got a spare tissue, pound please, dad can you pass me my keys, pound, but also dad can you give me a lift to the airport at 3am - ooh that might be a fiver that one, oh go on then a pound will do. The joke is that he'd never take money from me ever and I struggle to get him to let me pay for coffee/lunch. That doesn't sound like the case for you.

Yeah it's definitely done in a joke in my case. If wear ever go anywhere, I have to pay for anything like coffee or lunch out. It feels kind of life I'm the parent.

OP posts:
Bigcoatlady · 22/07/2024 23:33

I feel uncomfortable reading this. Have a read about parentification - where parents treat their children as the parents.

It wasn't fair that he treated you like this as a child. He was the parent and he should have had better boundaries. I don't know why he is so dependent on others and not able to support himself but that definitely doesn't make it your job to support him.

Where are your Mum and Grandparents in this? What did they say when he took money from you or tries to take money from you now? Has anyone else ever spoken up and told him this is inappropriate?

Either way you need to decide what boundaries work for you in the future and know it is ok to say 'no I don't need to hear about this' and firmly change the subject if he starts on his personal life. He will be hurt. He is used to using you as emotional support and if you withdraw that it will be upsetting for him. But it isn't healthy for you to hear about your parents relationship or his MH and you are the best person to look after you by saying no to him when he tries to exploit your kindness.

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