I don't know what to do.

[Mymum87]

I posted about this situation a little while back. But I can't find it so had to do it under another user name.

I have not had contact with my mum for many years.she was actually really horrible to me emotionally and treated me like she hated. But was fine with my other siblings. Through the years I have had to see . Happy family type photos of her and my siblings visiting each other . The odd holiday here and there etc I tried to reach out to her on several occasions.

As a teenager. As a young adult. . Is my 20s and early 30s. And she did not wantito know. I would ring her and try to make a conversation she would say . Yeah lovely, I gotta go now bye. We was on the phone for less than 3 mins. I did this time and time again as a teenager hoping one day she would actually want to know. I tried this throughout the years. I have done absolutely nothing wring to her not a thing . I last tried about 17 years ago i think. I have lost track. But it's been a long time.

When my mum Suddenly decided she didn't want to know me was around the time she split with my dad. I was around 14 or 15. I feel like that was a trigger . But i know in my heart I never done anything to her.

My mum is now in her 80s .she has recently been diagnosed with dementia. And her partner has put her into a care home.

I told myself I would not see or contact her. Because apart of me is thinking fuck you . I tried and tired with you. You clearly hated me . Yet I never done anything wrong to you absolutely nothing . But you treated me like i had . And made me feel unwanted and worthless. And another bit of me thinks should I make peace with her. Will I regret it if i don't. If i go to see her will she just let me know she hates me . Will she tell me to fuck off . Will she even know who I am.

If you went to see her and don't manage to clear the air between you both, or she doesn't recognise you, would you regret that more than not reaching out?

This sounds really hard, she wasn’t the Mum you deserved.
How will you feel if you never see her again? There’s no right or wrong here, just do whatever feels most right and don’t beat yourself up for doing it. She may well not recognise you unfortunately anyway.

I don't know. There's apart of me that does not mind if she does not recognise me. As long as she enjoys the company for a bit.

As I said in my op I don't know why she decided to hate me. I would not even bring it up because I would not want to cause her upset

You owe her nothing. So when you are deciding whether to go or not, think only of what is best for you.

I think your Mum made it clear she wasn't interested in you for some unknown reason. Did you look a lot like your Dad? I'd not visit now after 17 years. You'd just be upset again if she either didn't recognise you or wasn't interested in you again. Focus on the people who bring you happiness and joy.

Yeah I know. I'm not worried if she does not .

My sister thinks I should see her because once she's gone there's no going back. I don't think my sister knows why me and our mum stopped talking. She probably thinks i could not be arsed. As I never told anyone what my mum was like towards me.

I know. But I would feel selfish. And no one knows how my mum was towards me. So I will be the one to look like the awful person .

You could always speak to the home to find out more about her condition, if they think she will recognise you, or want to see you. But whatever you decide, I admire you for even thinking about seeing her - but if you don’t want to, then just don’t, there’s no right or wrong here.

Yeah I look like my dad . Maybe that's it. I was also a daddy's girl . I was definitely closer to my dad than my mum . I did wounder if that could be a reason .

I'm not worried if she does not recognise me. In away it could be a good thing as she could enjoy the company without difficult feelings. And I also would not want to cause her upset or stress

Does your sister visit your mum? Does she know what sort of person she is with a dementia diagnosis? I mean, some people can be pleasantly confused and others are the polar opposite, confused, agitated, aggressive. If your mum had a mean streak when she was well, the dementia might have made that worse. If she's anything other than a bit muddled, I'd stay away, it might be quite distressing for you both.

I think (having just been through something similar but not the same) that I would have regretted not having reached out to my estranged father when he was Near the end. I’m glad I did it and it wasn’t for him, it was for my own peace of mind. You aren’t in control of how your mum reacts or what she does, but you can control what you do xx

You sound amazing.

I walked the path from the appointment that gave diagnosis to the end of my mothers alziemers journey.

I would say go and visit if this I what YOU wish. Once she is gone it it too late to think "I wish I had".
Maybe take an old photo or two from childhood if you think it will help.
The disease alters the person. She MAY have mellowed or she may have not. If it is a bad experience for her she will have forgotten within hours.
If she is still as cantankerous put it down to who she was and the alziemers and at least you tried.

Good luck and there is no right or wrong thing for you to do. x

We are in London. But my mum is in linconshire. She went to see her at the weekend. She did know who she was but was also a little confused and would get mixed up a bit. But did enjoy the company.

I don't know if she had a mean streak or not as she was only like it towards me. There were fall outs between her and my other siblings normally for a good reason. But then they would be ok again. Even when they shit on her quite badly. They sister who went to see her and who I'm still in contact with, them 2 have never ever had an argument or a fall out ... so she has no idea

Come to think about it i have never argued with my mother she just decided to hate me .

Thank you 💐

Just to say I really admire how you have dealt with this , I personally wouldn t want anything to do with her . You have tried in the past , but whatever you decide am sending hugs

Thank you. I think I Nedd to do alot of thinking

@Mymum87
"I think I Nedd to do alot of thinking"

Take your time, there is no rush. The decline into alziemers is gradual.
If you do decide to visit she may be in a mellow mood one day but grumpy the next. It is very hit and miss but on the whole you have time to decide what YOU want. She won't just rapidly change in a week or a month or two.

A little tip is to take in a treat of two as most patients become very childlike.
Needn't cost much; sweets, cream cakes, chocolate, flowers or trinkets.

Good luck in whatever you decide x

Good luck

Thank you is there anything I could take her that would give her something to do?

Thank you is there anything I could take her that would give her something to do?

Depends on how far along she is.
Ask your sister maybe as what she is still able to do that she enjoyed.

In my mum's care home some enjoyed painting or colouring in. Some where still able to read and follow a story.
Painting nails always seemed to go down well 😁
Simple jigsaws or even the fidget toys that are everywhere now.
Some enjoy the comfort of a cuddly soft toy or even a doll. X

I always had a very conflicted and often difficult relationship with my Dad. I think because of his own childhood he had a lot of problems including anger. When he got Alzheimers his character changed and he became much more calmer and caring. The reason I tell you this is because I think it is worth you seeing her. She might be the same, worse, or a lot better. Whichever way I think you'll be glad you saw her. If its bad day you can always leave. Is there anything at all which triggers a good childhood memory with her to bring?

Thank you..

I have been looking at trains to get there it says 3.5 -4hrs 😭

Aw, geez. That is an epic trek 😌 and back 🥹

Have a really good think (for you) it must be so hard when siblings don't understand the dynamics of your relationship with your mum.

I can feel how torn you are.
My advice is give it a week for you to think and then you will have your answer if you should go x