IVF - do you tell your child?

[slummymummy24]

My DS is almost 14 and was conceived by IVF. He mentioned IVF the other day as a friend of his has 2 mums and has talked about it to their group. I didn't take this opportunity to say well you were too because, 1. should I check with his dad as we're divorced; 2. his half sister definitely wasn't! (dad and girlfriend); 3. wasn't sure if it was necessary.
Curious as to other views on this

I would, at that age. But maybe discuss with his dad first. I think it's good to normalise IVF, it's increasingly common and good he knows it's not only for same sex couples. Also i think it's good for teens to be aware that having kids isn't always as easy as it's sometimes presented during sex education.

I would too, for the reasons above and also because he might find out from someone else if you have family members or friends who knew you were going through the process and that could be awkward.

Was it a donor egg? Same situation here

I was quite open about my struggle to conceive hence my ds is an only child .my dil is also only child with similar story .They expected to take ages to conceive cos of this .Obviously fell instantly pregnant which was tbh a shock to everyone.

Yes I would have mentioned it before now to be honest. It makes it seem like a big thing otherwise, something to be hidden away.

A friend of mine has a DD by IVF (donor egg) and she has been reading books about it to her since she was tiny.

Of course - why wouldn’t you? I’m surprised you haven’t already.

My mum told me when I was about 15, I can't remember why it came up so I think we must have just been having a conversation about it!

I think if there was donor egg or sperm involved then there is a discussion to be thought about. Otherwise I'm not sure why he doesn't know already. My daughter has known that the doctors had to help us have a baby. She does conception in year 6 so I expect at that point it will be appropriate to tell her more.

Would be interesting to see how an IVF conceived person felt when they found out, maybe a new thread????

I'm an IVF child, granted not from a donor egg or sperm, but I've always known from as long as I could remember.

As an RE/Ethics teacher, it provides an interesting angle when talking about medical ethics!

I would tell him or it will seem like it’s something shameful and should be hidden. I don’t think it’s any different to knowing if you were born by c-section or vaginal birth.

Also there is always a possibility that him and his partner might need IVF in the future in which case it would hopefully make it more comfortable to discuss this with them.

thank you for your replies - i suppose I haven't said because it hadn't come up before ... I actually don't know why! No, he wasn't a doner egg but two blastocysts were implanted however, he was the succesful one. I will let his dad know that I will tell him if when it comes up again, as I am sure it will.
@Prontehpronto yes it would be interesting to hear others stories on this; @teachertalktime thank you for sharing - how did you feel?
He is also on the spectrum and struggles with day to day life sometimes so I really don't want to blow his mind - timing of this will be important as well!
Thanks all

I think timing is important, 14 is a tricky age with hormones and impending adulthood, also tricky considering he is on the spectrum I would wait a while maybe until you 'feel' it's right and be prepared for the question of why you didn't tell him before, or just weave that into the convo straight away when the time comes???? Difficult situation, perhaps leave for now xx

Me and the wife both work with children. It was glaring obvious to everyone that we’re we’re having fertility issues. We were very open about it a feel we helped others on their journey. What we hadn’t considered was that there was no way it could be kept a secret. We have told him from the beginning. We just assumed then if we had another it would be IVF too then the second one came from nowhere.

We didn’t want them thinking one was any different from the other so the tale is without number one there wouldn’t be number two. They love the story and I think has brought them together kind of there own origin story!

Now I am grateful it was just taken out of our hands but through our openness have come across many where nobody knows either. You’re just got to do you xx

I didn't think about it much at the time, if anything it's weirdly reassuring that you were very wanted!

However as I've got older and closer to having my own children it does worry me that I might have the same struggles, but I suppose in a way it's better to go into it knowing it might not happen straight away and be pleasantly surprised rather than being shocked when it doesn't happen easily.

Overall though I really very rarely think about it! Until conversations like this come up.

we did.. but we did not use doner eggs or sperm... i'd have to have a think and chat with dad first if one or both elements were missing

We've always been open with our twin sons (13) that they are the result of IVF. They've never seemed very interested so I'm not sure they've processed the idea much yet.

What I've never told them is that during IVF I asked to have only one embryo put back, "because there's no way I could cope with twins"! The embryo divided, we have identical twin sons, and I wouldn't change them for the world. ❤️

I am not sure of the legal obligation in Ireland, but surely there is an ethical obligation, particularly if donor used. To me it should be told when children are so young it is just part of their story. I would hate to think of the people who learn after their parent has passed and not have had the opportunity to learn about any medical/DNA information - that seems to only benefit the parent and not the child.

@slummymummy24 I don't remember a specific moment of 'being told' - it's something my parents have always been open about. I'm actually an IVF twin, with three being implanted, one didn't survive. Again, something I've just always known.

I don't have any strong feelings about it? It's who I am. Without IVF, my twin and I wouldn't be here. It kind of feels like a privilege that it worked!

We discuss IVF in my classes and students are happy to share that they were conceived using IVF. They're very matter- of -fact about it.

We told our 3 boys from the beginning really that they were IVF have always just accepted it as the norm. When my eldest son was doing sex education I do remember him saying thank goodness me and his dad hadn’t had to do ‘that’ to have him 🤣

Both of our ivf DC’s have grown up knowing as far back as I can remember. I think my DD asked where she was from and I may have said something about her starting life in London. She thinks it’s really cool and talks openly about it with friends. We joke when she won’t give hugs that she’s the ice queen because she was a frozen embryo (no donor egg or sperm) and it’s never bothered either of them.