How do I help my child feel better about secondary school?

[Jessforless]

My DD is finishing up at her lovely primary this week and it has massively dawned that high school is looming.

She is going to be going with a couple of children from her current school but ended up being put in a class with no one she knows.

We’re having a lot of late night tears and it’s breaking my heart. I keep stressing that lots of people will be in the same position and everyone is keen to make friends, she can meet her friends at lunch and breaks but nothing is getting through.

I know through the grapevine of a couple of girls from a nearby school who are going to be in her form. Thinking about trying to get parents details and arrange a meet up over the summer to ensure a familiar face - but is that weird? Not sure high school parents do this kind of thing!

Not sure what I’m asking for really, just sat with her as she cried herself to sleep and now a ball of anxiety myself. Hoping someone has some magic advice.

My daughter went to secondary school not knowing a single soul.
They did a summer school that you could book them in over the holidays so they could meet other new starters, my daughter made a couple of friends there and they all had some familiar faces to look out for on the first day!
Do you know if that is something your daughter's school will be doing?

It's awful isn't it. I don't think there's a huge amount you can do really, its just something they have to get through. You're a lovely mum, just keep reassuring her and distracting her as much as possible through the summer.

I'm not sure about arranging a meet up with the other kids, it could back fire if they don't actually get along in the long run.

My DS is going into year 11 but the year 6 into 7 summer holidays feel like yesterday, I remember the anxiety and tears well. He's now got a huge group of friends, full of confidence and really enjoying life. Year 7 was a rocky one though but you'll all get through it.__

Have they done any taster days?
Our local school takes from about 40 primary schools each year. Many kids won't know people. Can you work on 'how to make friends' with her, conversational openings etc?

We did go to some meet ups at a park over the summer. Although yes they might not end up friends with them generally most 11yr olds can hold it together long enough to be nice to another child for a couple of hours so it gives them someone who is at least familiar on the first day.

Although it is daunting not knowing anyone, if they are all in a similar position then they will all be invested in making friends. It can sometimes be easier than going in with some close friends who then dump you on day three for someone more interesting.

It’s tough, but most go and get through this stage. This week is particularly tough with the emotion of leaving primary. Try not to let your worry show.

I have two in secondary (one sobbed for months before moving), one still to go. Best tips are distract over summer, talk up positives of new school - eg better sport/art etc, whatever she liked at open days. I would try to arrange the park thing - familiar faces on day 1 might be good. Also look for other new starters through local activities - round here, most schools also have Facebook groups for new Year 7s. And in a few weeks go all out on new stationery/bag buying.

To be honest, in a choice of being in a form with no primary buddies and some, I might choose the first option - it pushes them to make new friends more quickly rather than stick to primary friends, which can backfire later.

Am sure it will go well, but there will probably be tough days/weeks - they do get through it though. The school will be set up to support new ones with nerves. And support with lots of organisational help, sleep and healthy food for the first weeks - it helps.

This is a very normal situation OP, although it doesn't help when it's your DC and secondary is looming. My DS went to a secondary with only one boy from his primary and they were put in different classes. My niece when to a huge secondary school with a 9-form entry and the nine kids from her primary were all put in different classes - one in each! It's really daunting and those early weeks can be rocky for DC (and their parents!), but generally everything works out and schools know what they're doing.

As for trying to meet up with the other girls - difficult one. They might get on well - great - but they might not and that might make it worse.

This is very true. DS had lots of his primary school friends in his classes up until year 9 when they did options. He's not got so many new friends as he was forced to mix more. Its been great for his socially and he's still got his primary school mates as well.

DD (in y11 & 12) helped out at a summer club held by her school. She said it did help to give students familiarity with the layout of the school.

They also dispelled some myths/fears. A number of them had been frightened by tales from family members of heads being flushed down toilets etc.

Rather cruel to frighten impressionable 10/11 year olds but some older siblings, extended family members etc don't have the sense they were born with.

If such a thing isn't available do speak positively about secondary school and make sure other family members do the same, anyone talking about horror stories gets shut down.

If there are specific things your DC is frightened about, talk them through. Verbalising the thing which is frightening them can make it much easier to deal with.

I wouldn’t do the meet up. One thing is not to have parents be too involved, makes them look like a babies. What does she do and what hobbies does she have? When DS went to secondary school his closest friends were bussed to the leafy comp in the next town over and family friends that he had grown up with sent theirs to an independent school. He went to the rough as a badgers arse local school. He was good at football and that meant he was accepted immediately even with being a kid with a Southern accent as he had picked up ours. He was a confident kid, DH and I were very quiet bookish nerds and I sent him to air cadets which really made him confident. Do something with her over the holidays to give her some self belief.

I was going to say do the meet up! Not stay and supervise, more say get them together to do an activity then go to Maccies for lunch after. Another mum I know did the same and (painfully shy) ds was one of those invited - although he knew one boy from primary he didn't like him. So having a couple of boys in his new class that he'd met already and could wander to lessons and lunch with was hugely helpful for those few weeks. The three of them kept up a vague friendship for about six months actually till they'd established proper new friends.

It’s hard to see as a parent but a year on, I think it was important to go through. There are many such transitions in life and managing to get through and looking back and seeing that it wasn’t as bad as feared is good learning for life. So yes to talking it through, acknowledge that the uncertainty isn’t easy to deal with, and to stress that many will be feeling the same. But I think it’s also a bit of ‘don’t curse your child with an easy life’ - some things they’ve got to go through and experience that they can manage (mildly, in the grand scheme of things) difficult situations.