What would you do in this situation?

[Spuck]

Feeling incredibly down about the situation with my MIL.

I haven’t actually done anything wrong - all that happened is that I failed to get in touch for 2/3 weeks and when I was about to call her, DP told me not to bother as she didn’t want to speak with me.

It’s now been just over a month since we have spoken/seen eachother. We are officially not on talking terms and I have stayed away from various family occasions that happened over this weekend.

She likes me to stay in regular contact (at least speaking on the phone a couple of times a week and seeing eachother at least once a week). I know this probably doesn’t sound a lot, but I’m just simply not that sort of person. I’m not particularly a ‘close’ person (if that makes any sense). I’m also just tired all the bloody time with young children.

I just don’t really think to call her every couple of days and it doesn’t come naturally to me to keep her close. That doesn’t mean to say I don’t want anything to do with her - it just means i’m busy with the kids and with life and my introverted self will get in touch every other week or so. However this hasn’t gone down well at all and now I have essentially been cut off.

Where to go from here?

Why is it on you to call her - why can’t she call you?

Which culture? If ok to ask?

Tell your husband to facilitate the facetime calls between his mother and your children. Why is it your responsibility? You can explain to your DH that you find the amount of communication she wants to be too suffocating. You're not in the wrong, you're just different from them. If she doesn't like it and wants to sulk, that's up to her. If DH doesn't back you up, that's a big problem. Ultimately, it's going to affect your marriage long term. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to defend you.

The phone works both ways, doesn't it? I'd just call her and be guided by how she is on that call. If she tells me she only wants to see the grandchildren, that might not work if they aren't old enough to take themselves there. I had a MIL who only wanted the grandchildren, so she never really saw them, since it was quite a drive and I was their primary carer.

You don't have to do face time. I never did video calls when my children were young. Too much chaos going on. If your DH wants his kids on face time with his mother, he can do it.

@FlamingoFloss No I do have to say, she does call (although not these past 4 weeks obviously as she was expecting me to make the first move but I never did - although I went to make the move after 2 weeks but DP said not to as she didn’t want to hear from me - apparently 2 weeks is too long!). Prior to this period of time, she is usually the one the calls and yes I do miss a fair load of calls but I typically don’t go longer than 2 missed calls without calling back. I know it sounds rude of me but I’ve done it before in the past where I have answered day in day out and it does literally become a daily thing. It’s one of those things where once you start there isn’t much going back and so missing her calls here and there was my way of managing her expectations (but that didn’t work).

@TheRealKatnissEverdeen they are from the middle east and are incredibly family oriented. MIL has essentially made her life completely and utterly about her family. I’m not saying she is wrong, in fact I only wish I could be more accommodating as I’m clearly becoming the odd one out. However we are just different and I’m not used to that level of contact with anyone other than my own immediate family.

I would take it as an opportunity to have a reset regarding your relationship with her. Let your husband deal with Facetime with the children and just don't contact her.

Sounds hard to manage on a continuous basis. Hopefully, you're not being treated as a failure on account of your cultural difference.

Maybe, when you have time, facetime. If you get a cold vibe then leave it. Hopefully your husband can let her know that no disrespect was / is intended.

My late MIL (Nigerian) was set in her ways and had some high expectations of me. It can be like treading on eggshells but I hope you can work through it and you don't miss out on too much family stuff.

She sounds controlling. Ignore her - if you want to then go to events, if you bump into her give her a quick "hi MIL how are you? Raining a lot recently" tinkly laugh, move on.

Make the most of the peace. DH can facilitate calls. If you don't want to go to events then don't - but enjoy not going and do something for you.

I'm guessing she didn't call you in this time?
It's a two way street.
Interesting she values contact but is now prepared to say she doesn't want to hear from you at all 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'd call her out on both of the above.