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Original poster

I don’t trust my child

27 replies

Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:14

I feel absolutely terrible writing this like I’m the worst mother in the world but I don’t know who elseI can tell.
We were informed that he had hurt another child from the neighbourhood, DS denies it and claims that the other child had had an accident and that he had had nothing to do with it. The other child is much younger.
We have had problems with DS in the past, so this is not out of the blue, although it might also be clouding my judgement. I feel awful writing this but deep down I think that he did hurt the other child and that he is lying (again). DH got angry and told me to absolutely not admit this to anyone in the neighbourhood or if we will be spoken to. He insists that he believes DS but we have been here before and we both know that he lies a lot. We are addressing all of this but right now I’m struggling with the guilt and feeling like an absolute failure.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 21/07/2024 21:17

How old is your son?

GrazingSheep · 21/07/2024 21:18

How old is your son?

Octavia64 · 21/07/2024 21:19

Many children will lie to get out of trouble.

It's a fairly normal response.

You cannot be sure if he is lying or not.

Original poster
Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:20

11

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/07/2024 21:22

How old is he?

Would the situation happened or rather could it have happened as reported?

For example was he out and unsupervised at the time and was the other child? Who witnessed it?

I think it's brilliant when parents are realistic their child could have done something. But I'd want to be 100% sure if I was calling my child a liar.

I say this as someone who's child was called a lair for doing something at school In a lesson that he wasn't even it - purely because they had 2 other students verify it happened. I hadn't realised he wasn't there and ripped him a new one as assumed the school and witnesses were telling the truth. 2 years later when the school accepted ds couldn't have done it they told him "it's over". But for ds the cuts ran deeper. Including the fact he felt I should have stood up for him more.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 21/07/2024 21:27

There are two points here. 1. Do you trust what he was saying about the incident? and 2. can you trust him to go out without hurting other kids?

Original poster
Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:28

It is possible because they were both out at the same time. We live in an area where children still go out and play in groups. DS doesn’t deny being with the other child but claims that the other child had an accident.

OP posts:
RantyMcRanterton · 21/07/2024 21:32

I would not keep on at your son about this but instead supervise him for the summer. This might mean that his activities are curtailed somewhat but you can tell him you (or the other parent) are overseeing to prevent further accusations.

SnappyCroc · 21/07/2024 21:35

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ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 21/07/2024 21:41

So what's the consequences for this then.

NoSheDidnt · 21/07/2024 21:46

So maybe your child is a liar at the moment. Don’t worry - you know best. You’ll likely always know. He’s a dick, he knows it and so do you. Just make sure he’ s telling you the truth when he’s 25c now is not the time to worry.

Original poster
Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:48

This is not the first incident, which is why I am doubtful of DS account. We are already addressing this via counselling although I find this all very passive and drawn out although I won’t tell my son this. I think I’m mainly frustrated that DH is refusing to discuss any of this. Anyway, maybe I just needed a rant.

OP posts:
VeryOldMan · 21/07/2024 21:53

Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:20

11

Old enough top know right from wrong, know when he is in trouble and still young enough to think he can lie his way out of it.
Sounds like you are being realistic in your outlook.

Chickenuggetsticks · 21/07/2024 21:56

Don’t let him out unsupervised, if you believe he’s hurt a much younger child then you can’t trust he won’t again, especially if your Dh is propping up the lie. It’s extremely difficult to parent in the best of circumstances when you aren’t on the same page. Honestly he may think he’s protecting your son but the reality is the kids will go home and they will tell their parents anyway.

Ancestrysos · 21/07/2024 22:04

When people are hurt they rarely want to blame someone entirely uninvolved for no reason. They want the true perpetrator/s punished for their actions. Your DH covering for your DS will do nothing but exacerbate the problem. Do the right thing op.

Superworm24 · 21/07/2024 22:12

Did he hurt a younger child in the previous incident?

Mary1234567 · 21/07/2024 22:23

Strawbsnest · 21/07/2024 21:14

I feel absolutely terrible writing this like I’m the worst mother in the world but I don’t know who elseI can tell.
We were informed that he had hurt another child from the neighbourhood, DS denies it and claims that the other child had had an accident and that he had had nothing to do with it. The other child is much younger.
We have had problems with DS in the past, so this is not out of the blue, although it might also be clouding my judgement. I feel awful writing this but deep down I think that he did hurt the other child and that he is lying (again). DH got angry and told me to absolutely not admit this to anyone in the neighbourhood or if we will be spoken to. He insists that he believes DS but we have been here before and we both know that he lies a lot. We are addressing all of this but right now I’m struggling with the guilt and feeling like an absolute failure.

I would try to show him how he would get more praise from being honest than he would about being innocent and about how we all make mistakes and what matters is how we deal with them. He may be lying because he fears the punishment he’d get if he got caught or because he thinks in his immature mind it’s the best way to get rid of the problem. He’s still young enough that his brain is plastic so this can be a learning opportunity for him. I would not pressure him about this but I would praise others and stories / tell him stories about your life where it isn’t shameful to have done something wrong, so long as you can take accountability for it.

PurpleBugz · 21/07/2024 22:23

Has he hurt another child before and lied? Is this the previous incident you refer to?

Your oh believing him if he's lying is going to reinforce the behaviour. On the other hand you not believing him if it's the truth could do damage.

One of mine had a phase for stealing when he was really little. Once I told him off for stealing when he had in fact been given the thing. I said oh sorry but when I know you steal I can't trust you so I will have to assume you stole till you stop the behaviour. I would do the same in this situation- punish him as though he has lied and tell him you can't know the truth till he stops lying. Always follow up with that you love and support him and will support however you can while he works on it.

And I would supervise him when he's out playing with other kids if children have been hurt.

Your oh may not want to admit it because of what people will think but if your son did this what are they thinking of the parent who can't face their little darling acted this way?

H34th · 21/07/2024 22:25

If he is lying it's because he is ashamed/ feeling guilty, which would be a normal reaction.
Has he been punished before for doing similar? Has he been punished for lying? Although, instinctive to most adults, punishing would often lead to even more guarded lying.
You say you don't trust him- it sounds like he doesn't trust you.
I'd invest a lot of time on rebonding and getting to a stage where he can be fully open with you.

And then you need to look at the bigger issue - if he is a boy who is hurting other children, why? Does he feel helpless most of time and needs to gain back some control/ prove he is not powerless? Is someone mean to him- is he being bullied/ hurt by bigger children? Is he getting in a state and not aware of his actions?

Good luck, Op.

Mary1234567 · 21/07/2024 22:29

Mary1234567 · 21/07/2024 22:23

I would try to show him how he would get more praise from being honest than he would about being innocent and about how we all make mistakes and what matters is how we deal with them. He may be lying because he fears the punishment he’d get if he got caught or because he thinks in his immature mind it’s the best way to get rid of the problem. He’s still young enough that his brain is plastic so this can be a learning opportunity for him. I would not pressure him about this but I would praise others and stories / tell him stories about your life where it isn’t shameful to have done something wrong, so long as you can take accountability for it.

Show quote history

But just to give a little reassurance that it doesn’t mean he’s evil. Empathy is a skill we develop slowly until age 25 for a lot of people and it’s quite common to lie at that age. Hopefully with your gentle encouragement he will begin to learn not to lie

H34th · 21/07/2024 22:30

Agree with @Mary1234567

muggart · 21/07/2024 22:30

I suppose you could sit him down and say something like "DS this is your last chance to tell me if you did hurt him. It is very important that you tell me the absolute truth so that we can resolve this. Unfortunately, the fact that you and the other boy have different accounts of what happened puts us in a difficult situation because the boy's parents had assumed that we would be able to talk about it and resolve this at home, but since you're saying it didn't happen at all they are now considering going to the police since in their eyes we can't sort this out. I'll love you whatever the answer is but this really is the moment to come clean if there was more to the incident than you told us earlier, otherwise the situation might escalate beyond our control."

Might scare him into telling the truth.

Littlefish · 21/07/2024 22:31

I agree that he shouldn't be out unsupervised for a while.

Either he has been accused falsely, in which case, you need to ensure that no further false accusations are made.

Or

He was involved, and not being allowed out unsupervised is a natural consequence of his actions.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/07/2024 22:34

Children lie sometimes. Doubting your child is telling the truth if he has reason to lie and has a history of doing it previously doesn’t make you a bad mother. Your DH sounds like the one with the issue tbh.

Noseybookworm · 21/07/2024 22:38

First of all you need to talk to DH - he is not doing your DS any favours by covering for him. Hurting smaller children is very serious and the lying, while understandable if he's afraid of getting into trouble, sounds like it's a pattern of behaviour and not a one off. He's 11 now - in a few years he will be much bigger and stronger. This really needs nipping in the bud now. Talk to DS and tell him that you're not going to be angry but he needs to be truthful so you can sort this out. Maybe you can get an emergency appointment with his therapist and explain your worries? I wouldn't let him play out unsupervised either.