Am I actually going mad?

[toomanycushionshere]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. I’m 39, cycle still regular, one DD age 5. I don’t think I’m peri, but I know I could be.

Over the last couple of months I’ve started to feel like I might be going slightly mad. I feel angry SO much of the time. or sometimes really claustrophobic - like I just need to mentally catch a breath, but can’t.

My life is, objectively, very nice. I get on well with my husband, our daughter is lovely (although high energy and has some hearing issues that mean you have to say everything multiple times to confirm whether she has heard you, or is just being a typical ignoring five year old!). My husband brings in a good income that means that we’re comfortable (not rolling in it, but we live nicely).

I don’t work, due to chronic illness that causes, among other things, fatigue. I really wish I could, and have tried many things, but all result in me becoming sicker and having health crashes. In the past couple of years I’ve had a fairly dramatic family estrangement, a life threatening acute illness that almost finished me off and needed time in hospital and an ADHD diagnosis. I also had postpartum depression, for which I went on SSRIs.

I mention those things so as not to drip feed, but I don’t feel like they’re the cause. I don’t dwell on them at all. I get embarrassed if anyone refers to them as trauma, because that feels like a very dramatic word. I’m here, I’m ok, I’m very lucky and have a nice life.

So why am I so fucking angry and unhappy?! I feel like I’m stuck in waiting mode, watching everyone else around me crack on with their lives while I’m the support act. It’s like the logical part of my brain knows how relatively good I have it, while the other part goes “nah, fuck it, it really is the end of the world if the house is a bit messy and it’s totally cool if you shout at everyone about it”…

Has anyone experienced this?! Can anyone shed some light or suggest a magic cure that makes me less of a dick?

I can relate.

I’ve reframed it, that I’m ‘processing’ and healing myself and for some reason need to feel shit, and think of past trauma, I try to just feel it but not associate with it and tell myself this will pass.

Your DD's hearing issues, is it her hearing or ADHD I wonder?

Your cycle being regular is no indication of perimenopause. What can give you an indication is tracking your mood as hormone levels rise and fall across your cycle. I'd expect other symptoms too, fatigue, lack of motivation, drier skin and hair, waking early, trouble falling asleep, back ache, joint and muscle ache or pain, itchy skin, changes to your skin like increased sensitivity, sensitive teeth, electric static shocks, waking for the loo at night or UTIs or thrush that you rarely had before, increased frequency going to the loo during the day or sudden urge. Decreasing libido. Memory poorer, problems with concentration and word retrieval. There are so many different symptoms and some of them creep up and can be easily dismissed as just being older. Of course anger and irritability and hypersensitive, anxiety, low mood and feeling flat are all symptoms too.

I can also relate. I was around 46 though when this stuff started.

Are you medicated for your ADHD?

I also wonder if your daughter has ADHD. I do, and my DD is just going through assessment now. Being ND and having an ND child is fucking exhausting no matter how much you love them.

This is my take / experience: when you have chronic health issues and ND, it's really tough. You manage - to a degree - for so long, and then the wheels just feel like they have totally come off. As I say, this happened for me at around 46 with perimenopause. The anger for me was maybe hormone driven, but it was also totally frustration with my illness, Neurodivergent issues (I'm Autistic as well as ADHD) become amplified with age. Part of it all for me was adjusting and adapting (and accepting) my life the way it was. I also had some therapy to talk through my anger issues. Basically I was angry at how limited my options in life were. (Like you, I'd tried different work, crashed and burned out / shutdown)

I wasn't able to continue in a relationship. If you are happy in yours, just make sure that you ask yourself does he understand? Does he truly pull his weight and look after you if you're poorly (I think what I'm trying to say, is have a good honest look at where any resentment / anger may be coming from)

Do you need help with things? Do you ask? Do you feel understood?

That's why I was fucking miserable mostly. Nobody got it (I felt) and I found myself feeling a bit bitter, unseen and put on to.

I would take exactly what you've said her to a therapist to talk through.

It doesn't have to be trauma.

You will only get anecdotes or advice here. You need someone trained to help you find the answers.

Good luck

You have been through some pretty traumatic shit here, so it's unsurprising that you're getting the fall out for it now. First stop GP, and if you can afford some private therapy, I'd highly recommend EMDR. Really helped me.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your kindness and hearing your experiences.

To those who suggest that my DD may have ADHD - it’s totally possible. The hearing issues are diagnosed by an ENT specialist, but she’s also high energy and I recognise some of my ADHD ways in her. I’m hoping, for her sake, that she’s not, but we’ll deal with it as it’s unearthed.

I’m not medicated for my ADHD, no.

@RainbowZebraWarrior Thank you so much for understanding and articulating how I feel better than I can! “Basically I was angry at how limited my options in life were.” particularly struck a chord. I know that I have a much more comfortable life than many, but I have a busy brain and there’s so much that I want to do. Being reminded daily that I can’t is shit.

My DH is very supportive and understanding but I tend to try and not ask too much of him as I feel (thinking about it now) that I’m so useless for not being able to work that I need to be as little trouble as possible. Honestly, I think I probably martyr myself a bit to try and offset how useless I think I am.

God, I sound an absolute TREAT don’t I?! 🤦‍♀️