DS mental health problems. Do I resign?

[OrangeJumpsuits]

Hi everyone, I’ve NC’d for this.

My DS has had some severe mental health problems for a number of years and they come in waves. The last time he had a really bad phase was 2019-20 and he’s again now in a similar phase.He has a long term highly qualified therapist, and support from his GP.
During these phases he needs us with him all the time, has suicidal thoughts and can’t sleep. He’s 21 so we can advise but he ultimately has control over what he wants to do (and he’s doing as much as he can at the moment).

So, having given you as much background as I can, I’m about to ask what is probably an entirely different question to the one you might think I’d ask!
DH and I are sharing the interrupted nights with him and we might still be up anytime from 4am-6.30am. We then both have senior roles and need to start working by 8.30/9.
Last time this happened I gave up work for 18 months to be the one who stayed up and stayed with DS. The reason I decided it should be me is because my DH has epilepsy and one of his triggers is lack of sleep over a prolonged period and I wanted to be with DS.

I’ve recently started a new very senior role on a very good salary (6 weeks ago) and it’s taken a lot of pressure off us re paying for DS’s treatments etc.

I’m mid-fifties and struggling with this situation more so than a few years back. I’m worried about my DH (and of course DS or we wouldn’t be doing what we’re doing).

We don’t have huge amounts of savings as we used a lot of this on DS’s initial onset, but are rebuilding and I’m wondering seeing whether you would give up your job to give the time to DS? Should I do that.
We have a small amount of savings (£11k) that would be helpful but I’d also look for another job that isn’t so all-consuming.

I'm not sure why I’ve just typed out this long message - thanks for getting to this
point - but I’m going around in circles as to whether I should resign. I don’t feel that I’m doing either thing right and my DS is my priority. I’m still in my probationary period so could hopefully negotiate a faster exit.

What would you do? I’m very tired so please be kind.

I will just add- during this phase he hurts himself and we need to be there to be sure he stops.

Could you pay for a carer to stay up with him and keep him distracted?

F

I was just typing similar to @cupcaske123

Im really sorry your son is so unwell, it sounds awful for all of you. Really hope things improve soon. 💐

Hi @cupcaske123, I wouldn’t want to do that.

I have no answers but you sound like absolutely amazing parents. Your post brought a tear to my eye. ❤️

Thanks you @Allthehorsesintheworld. That made me a bit teary.
I called the GP on Friday and started crying down the phone to the receptionist. Felt like such a fool.

Thanks so much @bossybloss

Sounds so difficult.

What has his therapist and/or GP recommended? Do they also think he needs to have 24/7 supervision or can they offer any other support?

Would your work allow you to take a sabbatical until you get through this phase and you can make a decision later where to resign?

Hi @NoTouch, DS was at GP yesterday and they’ve prescribed Setraline. He’s back at the therapist next week. No other support available or offered (same as last time, we paid privately for it all).
Work isn’t that sort of place - very stressful and not focused on staff wellbeing.

So is it just overnight you need to be with your DS? If so, could your DH do the first shift to e.g. midnight while you go to bed 8-12, then DH sleeps 12-7 and you go back to bed as soon as you’re able? And could you look to, rather than resign, reduce your hours so you’re starting later? Eg instead of 37h a week do 30 over 5 days and work 10-4 or 11-5?

It sounds like an incredibly hard situation. If you give up your job, or have to repeatedly stop work and re-find work every few years, it’s going to have a serious impact on your options for retirement. That might not be a concern when your son is so ill, of course, but practically it’s part of the longer-term picture.

And honestly it sounds like your son should qualify for NHS psychiatric support. Can you push for this? Does he have a health LPA with you names as attorneys?

Thanks @Penguinsoprano
We both mainly WFH so someone is here all day. We’re currently rescheduling meetings etc to cover for each other.
I can’t reduce hours as they’re just not good at supporting staff like this (which is what I’m finding out the longer I’m there).

I’ll look into the things you mention @Penguinsoprano

Don't give up yet.

Look at the policies on compassionate leave and sabbaticals.

OP, my DD21 is in a similar position, on and off for 6 years, mostly housebound but maybe not as consistently unwell as your son. She's had some NHS specialist treatment but currently they're refusing to fund more. I'm in my 60s. I know all the questions you ask yourselves about when will it end, sometimes your friends and family ask that too, and the answer is it might not. I just do what I need to do to get by - I took a lower paid part time job and just try the best I can to pay for everything, I am lucky though as its not very demanding work.

DD gets PIP and LCWRA, you can get appointee status through DWP its quite easy then you can receive that money direct and use it for your son's needs - everything from treatment to transport. It's not means tested to your income, its just on his needs.

Does your DS have a formal diagnosis? Is he under the adult mental health team?

Hi I would suggest trying to get by for a few more weeks and seeing how sertraline and other therapy options help. I assume your DS was under child services last time ? Now he’s an adult it will be easier to get both medication and therapy.. You shouldn’t have to pay for therapy yourself.

Similar situation here. Watching with interest.

If you can’t reduce your hours can your husband? Or if that’s not an option either is it realistic that you could apply for a job with a nicer employer where you can work reduced hours while you are supporting your son? Are you likely to find that kind of thing easily and do you have the bandwidth to apply for things? It’s always easier to get a new job when you already have a job. If none of that is possible and you don’t feel you can carry on working as you are now can you go sick?

I do think it’s worth looking into some care, at least during the day, on some days. You need respite too.

It’s been a little while since I’ve interacted with NHS mental health provision but suicidal ideation and self-harming would have led to inpatient care in times past. Has your son been honest with his GP?

Our situation is similar. Both me and Dd are very ill with fatigue based illness.

DH is still working. But it’s really hard. He can retire next June and is hanging onto that. But l wish he’d go now. We can afford it, and the stress is horrible.

Dd been ill 2 years and me 3. Don’t assume it will get better. It might, but it might not. Or it might get better for a bit then relapse again.

Why would you not consider a carer? Not being combative, just to understand.

I wouldn't resign immediately, it would be better to take some unpaid leave rather than resign outright.

Can you outsource more domestic tasks and prioritise sleep over all else?

Sorry this is happening

OP I assumed you were working with a mental health team. If he's at risk of self harm and isn't safe by himself it sounds as though he belongs in hospital.

There are other avenues of help such as Crisis Teams (CRHTs) who can support you during a crisis. There are also Crisis Houses which offer short term intensive care in a residential setting.

There are also day services, drop in centres if you're managing a crisis at home. Your first port of call would be a crisis helpline and they can offer advice on the best course of action.

Hi @GoingDownLikeBHS, thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I hope your DD is doing ok. I do ask myself those questions. DS has been ill since age 3 and over the years it’s morphed into this. He has multiple conditions.
Good luck with everything - I feel like I will have to quit work and look for something else. I suppose we do what we have to dependent on the circumstances. You sound like a great mum.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow sorry to hear that. We’re here if you want to chat.

@FumingTRex, thanks. Everything has been private as waiting lists were so long on the NHS (and the suicidal thoughts were a priority for us).

@Penguinsoprano im absolutely fuming with myself as if I’d stayed with my previous employer I would have had as much time as I needed. They were excellent employers. I took this new job to get a better salary and rebuild our savings. My issues are compounded by the fact this new employer wasn’t entirely truthful about the state of the business which is leading to a very harsh way of leading the business.
Thanks

Hi @ArseInTheCoOpWindow, I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you both find a way through.
I completely understand what you mean by ‘it might get better or not’ and I think I’m now of the mindset that we’ll always go up and down with his health.
Good luck.