DP and I have been together nearly 20 years, empty nesters now. I have always been career driven, and with a promotion last year overtook him in both seniority and pay, almost double in gross pay. We have also had very different starting point, so as single mother when we met, Eastern European, I had to paddle twice as hard as he did. He is a steady burner but in his own eyes and his family he is the high achiever.
We have always shared expenses and housework equally, regretting of me having much lower income for the first 15 years of being together and much higher expenses as you inevitably do when you have a child of your own only. Biological father left us when she was baby.
In the last 12 months, it’s has become a show of burnout / competition between us, who has it harder. I work from home 90% of the time, so daily chores are on me, including dinners, as he stays late because he has so much to do. I stress out to make sure I keep on top of the house, exercise and obviously work. All he talk about is his work problems but anything I share is dismissed with “I would not worry about” or a comment that he would have handled it differently (correctly). Now, I am trying to bury my resentment as I work just as hard, but I do stop at 5 most days deliberately to make effort to exercise, tidy up, laundry, cooking etc, because I can’t count on him to help. He is also treating signs of burnout as some badge of honour - like I had no time to have a drink or too tired to go for a run, so looking like shit is not my fault.
Part of me thinks that he is enjoying the drama he creates as it makes him feel important. He is also filling weekends with big and small chores and jobs, so too busy / tired for sex, sorts himself out quickly when I am out.
Anyway, he has been away for work this whole week and I have loved being on my own. Dreading the moaning and hearing how everyone else is stupid at work. Have not missed him at all.
Any advice on how to get out of this circle? We used to have a lovely life, paid the mortgage off early making some sacrifices earlier in life exactly to be free of the work stress, to be able to walk away if work is unbearable.Yes the effect is the opposite. I have it hard as work too but literally my problems are treated like they are a nuisance.
Sorry for long rant, anxiety is building up as he is about to return. Before anyone hits me with being heartless about MH - I have tried to help, from making GP appointments to taking the housework load.
At work, I see men putting in extra hours to avoid childcare and nagging wives, we do not have that, I am more of a sick bucket for all his negativity.