4 year old behaviour managing strategies please

[swimmer81]

Just looking for advice on strategies as this is my only child so first time experiencing everything. My son is just 4 and is going through a phase of challenging behaviour. He's a lovely loving energetic boy but he's had a shift recently.

The issue is particularly around his response to being "told no" or "told off". Eg It will start with something like throwing a hard object indoors, or playing with something too roughly so it hurts one of us, or helping himself to something when we've already said just one (eg ice lolly / snack). When we say no, or say we don't do that, or tell him to stop something he then gets angry and frustrated and will either throw something, scream, push something over, or today stamping on a biscuit repeatedly - basically just lashing out.

We have a happy loving home so no issues there but recently he's been worried about starting school in Sept so it could be to do with that. We've been speaking to him about school, letting him talk about his worries, reassuring him etc and bought a couple of story books about starting school, whilst at the same time trying not go talk about it the whole time.

Aside from that it might just be a normal phase for this age. He's definitely feeling a lack of control which is understandable. We try to make as many opportunities as possible for him to have control about choices, and not get too hung up if he's doing things that are inconvenient. But some behaviours do cross a line.

In any case, he's always been an extremely strong-willed and independent minded child and I'm finding that nothing seems to work as far as his response to being told no. I do try to use positive behaviour management strategies as far as possible but obviously there are certain times when behaviour crosses a line that I will need to say a firm no or take a toy away or something and at that point he just flips out and it escalates. He starts calling us poo poo heads and screaming at us, throwing things etc.

In the end only cuddling and coddling him calms him down but then I don't want to teach him it's ok to hit / throw etc.

Can anyone with more wisdom advise on what you would do in these scenarios please?

When saying no we get a similar reaction, or worse. I have found it helps to say no with empathy for how he's likely to be feeling e.g. 'oh I can see you want another ice lolly right now, but you know we need to wait until tomorrow/the weekend etc. It's so hard to wait, let's play outside now instead' or something along those lines that recognises he will be upset at being told no, and directs him to something else enjoyable and try to head off the throwing/hitting. Obvs that won't always be possible or work. So if he does throw/hit, try to keep your response calm, and not react in anger - you showing anger can escalate as kids respond to your own state of emotional regulation. He is having a hard time expressing his feelings in a calm way but he can learn that over time, from you. If cuddling is what it takes to calm him then do that. When all is calm you can talking about why it wasn't ok to throw. He likely knows that already, and as the saying goes, kids do well when they can. I'm sure not everyone will agree with this approach but it helps us. Good luck!

Thank you that's actually really helpful. I'm ususally pretty calm and rarely if ever shout, but this morning found I was really annoyed and he picked up that and started being deliberately naughty. Whereas after I took a deep breath and comforted him he was fine again. So I think you're right.