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Original poster

Red Flag with new "friend"

22 replies

Lulu2024 · 19/07/2024 07:05

Hey Guys - I wonder if you could give me some advice. I moved to a rural village in Ireland and having to build local friendships from scratch. In the past I have been severely betrayed my a close friend and I still bare the scares so my judgement might be slightly off at present. I have gotten to know another lady, albeit just causally in the next town when we bump into each other shopping. We connected on FB and exchanged the odd message.

She recently reached out on FB and said lets meet up for coffee and I missed the message by a month because I rarely go onto FB these days so I apologised when I saw the msg and said I would like to meet up. Then I said btw here is my mobile number, please send me yours and I will not miss your msgs again as I'm not on FB much. She came back and said she didn't want to give me her number and she would prefer to communicate via FB messenger.

Immediately I got this sinking feeling and felt this was not a good start to a budding friendship. I actually don't want to meet her now. I'm sure there could be lots of reasons why she doesn't want to give out her number but I guess I am in self protection mode and felt a huge red flag. IMHO new friendships should be fun and start with a minimum of enjoying each others company rather than with restrictions... again I am wounded from previous friendships and in a rural setting so want to be careful about who I take on as a friend.

Could you let me know your thoughts? Thank you Lulu

OP posts:

GameOfJones · 19/07/2024 07:08

I agree it's a bit strange of her to be comfortable enough to invite you for coffee but not comfortable enough to exchange numbers. I miss messages on Facebook too and you've told her that.

hippierunner · 19/07/2024 07:10

I'm wondering if she's also in protective mode and doesn't hand out her number easily, since you're new friends?

ReginaTheEvilQueen · 19/07/2024 07:11

I can understand where your coming from, however it could be the same for her, she may have had a bad experience in the past with a previous friend as well and that could explain why she's hesitant to give out her personal number right now, my advice would be to stick to the fb messenger for now and exchange messages and meet up and see if there are any other red flags, if not then its most likely her just being cautious as well

EasterlyDirections · 19/07/2024 07:16

Can't you just set up the messenger app on your phone with the red badge that comes up when you have a new message? So you'd see it even if you aren't using FB.

I wouldn't write her off just yet, she might have had bad experiences with pest callers or similar.

Original poster

Lulu2024 · 19/07/2024 07:26

Thank you Guys - I guess she could also be in protection mode too... and I could set up FB messenger on my phone. I just feel so guarded and incredibly reluctant to make mistakes again I just felt not exchanging numbers in the usual way was a sign to bring up the wall that I have built to protect myself just incase this was someone already calling the shots when we barely know each other. I think since covid and the betrayals I've had in the last four years I've become very socially awkward but equally I would like a small group of friend locally - I supposed I've got to take a chance and see.

OP posts:

velvetcoat · 19/07/2024 07:30

Well, she has a right to only want to communicate by messenger and you have the right to not engage in that if you dont want to.

Personally, if I was meeting someone for coffee I'd be wanting their number in case an emergency came up and I couldnt make it. I wouldnt be forced into using a communication method I didnt want to.

I'd just say no problem, but I dont look at messenger that often and dont check messages on there regularly and leave it at that. Your preferences are just as valid as hers.

Yers, there could be valid reasons for her choice but it doesnt mean you have to change the way you communicate either.

Runbunny · 19/07/2024 07:34

I don't use FB much but I use messenger a lot, you can have that as a standalone app.

Messenger is great IMO precisely because it makes it easy for aquaintances to contact you,it's brought nothing but good into my life, but it's also easy to get rid of them if it turns out not to be good.

If you give someone your number, they can contact you forever. She's just being cautious like you are.

ShrubRose · 19/07/2024 10:52

I think you're wise to be a bit wary, OP.
It's probably a good approach to any new acquaintance, especially in a new place.
You might try getting together and seeing how it goes, not investing too much. If it's good, you can develop the friendship further, if not you can easily fade it grscefully.

NervousSubject · 19/07/2024 11:00

velvetcoat · 19/07/2024 07:30

Well, she has a right to only want to communicate by messenger and you have the right to not engage in that if you dont want to.

Personally, if I was meeting someone for coffee I'd be wanting their number in case an emergency came up and I couldnt make it. I wouldnt be forced into using a communication method I didnt want to.

I'd just say no problem, but I dont look at messenger that often and dont check messages on there regularly and leave it at that. Your preferences are just as valid as hers.

Yers, there could be valid reasons for her choice but it doesnt mean you have to change the way you communicate either.

I think that’s fair. OP, I wouldn’t be getting this angsty about someone you bump into shopping, either. If you want to make new friends, you’re going to have to be a bit more robust, and recognise that it’s a numbers game to an extent — you’ll have to expose yourself to lots of casual acquaintances who might, in time, and if you like one another, become friends. I’ve generally found rural Ireland far friendlier to blow-ins than my experience of rural England. I’ve made friends via volunteering (beach litter-picks, arts festival), sea swimming, walking groups.

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 11:04

On one hand you’re all angsty and looking for red flags and on the other you are handing out your mobile.

from her perspective she’s trying to get to know you, doesn’t, and she messaged and basically she thought you ignored her for a month, missing it on messenger could be an excuse. She’s no way to know if it’s true.

you need to try to see it from her perspective.

Wimbledoner · 19/07/2024 11:13

I think her request sounds ok, if you think it’s a bit weird and don’t want to meet her now that’s also ok.

Noseybookworm · 21/07/2024 22:08

I can understand her not giving out her number - at this point you're virtually a stranger to her. Also, she messaged you and then didn't hear from you for a month! So if she's being cautious I think that's understandable. I would just meet up for a coffee and see how it feels after that?

Rhaidimiddim · 21/07/2024 22:37

GameOfJones · 19/07/2024 07:08

I agree it's a bit strange of her to be comfortable enough to invite you for coffee but not comfortable enough to exchange numbers. I miss messages on Facebook too and you've told her that.

I disagree. I'd want to meet first

ContentSolitude · 21/07/2024 22:57

Noseybookworm · 21/07/2024 22:08

Agree with this. If I didn't hear back for a month I'd think you were not that interested and I'd not be sure you'd be a reliable friend. I would give it a chance though. It can be hard to tell early on whether the long reply period is just an initial hiccup rather than a reflection on how the person is likely to be going forward.

I recently met someone for coffee and they were keen to meet up again. (We have exchanged numbers). I suggested a date and she wasn't free and I don't like to pressure people, so I've just left it with her to to let me know when she's available. If she does, I'll meet her, if she doesn't, oh well. The longer it takes, the less likely I am to consider her a potential friend.

NotSoHotMess24 · 21/07/2024 23:00

I wouldn't write her off completely, and would meet for coffee on her terms, if you're keen to meet new people. You never know, maybe it's a quirk. Maybe she really has had some horrendous thing happen with someone, and you'll get why she's like it once you know the story.

I do agree it is a red flag though. Any more early-on uptightness and it would be a no from me!

NCforaChange · 21/07/2024 23:04

Are you sure it's her, on the same account @Lulu2024? I only ask as I often follow an account on SM and then a random one pretending to be them might follow back. It's even people with a very small following who you wouldn't expect this to happen with.

I think it's very strange to want to meet up but them to not want to give you their number and would see this as a red flag too.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/07/2024 23:09

It’s really weird. I’d also feel put off by it. But - you could meet people via her, she could end up being a nice enough acquaintance who introduces you to others…maybe let her be weird, and do t put too much importance on her specifically? See it more as extending your social life.

Psychoticbreak · 21/07/2024 23:18

Bit weird and I am Irish in ireland myself but she might be sheilding herself from someone.

EtiquetteLady · 23/07/2024 07:58

It’s not weird or a red flag in the slightest. You are a completely stranger to her. She is likely self-protecting. You don’t know if she has come out of a DV situation or has a job where it’s critical that her private contact information stays private. You’re the one who, in her eyes, ignored a FB message for over a month, and then you ask for her personal mobile number. You would be giving me red flags.

Just have the FB Messenger app on your phone with notifications switched on. You don’t have to go into FB each time to check it. It’s a pretty simple solution.

Easipeelerie · 23/07/2024 08:03

I’d definitely give it a go, if she’s a bit weird, you’ll get the vibe when you meet up.

Internationalpony · 24/07/2024 23:37

Lulu2024 · 19/07/2024 07:26

I’d say it’s an amber flag. It is very unusual behaviour and seems strange but as others have said she might have a good reason if she’s had a particularly bad experience. If that is the case, I assume she wants to suss you out a bit more before giving out her number which she can do over coffee.

So, I wouldn’t totally let your guard down but I’d give her a chance and go for coffee. When you meet I’d reiterate that you don’t really use fb so it’s hard to keep in touch that way - I don’t think it’s on you to totally change how you communicate and suddenly have to be checking social media, have an extra app and allow messenger notifications. Once you’ve made that clear and she’s had time to suss you out more over coffee, the balls in her court to offer to exchange numbers or not.

If she still doesn’t want to and doesn’t at least give a good explanation I’d say it’s a red flag and don’t bother with her.

duchessofsilk · 25/07/2024 05:35

Agree with this. If I didn't hear back for a month I'd think you were not that interested and I'd not be sure you'd be a reliable friend

I wouldnt assume this at all - not everyone uses Facebook regularly and many people dont even have the messenger app at all. I have FB but I only check it once a month ish maybe because I'm just not that into it and a message is easily missed. It doesnt mean just because someone doesnt reply instantly on messenger they are "unreliable" at all. OP has already explained to her that she doesnt check it that often so she knows that unreliability isnt an issue.

If she wants to communicate by FB thats fine but that doesnt mean the OP should have to go on FB all the time if she doesnt want to!

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