So upset after dropping ds off for week long school trip

[lurchersforever]

He is 15 and quite quiet. He rarely goes out but can often be heard 'on call' but I'm so upset after dropping him off for this trip as we were waiting around for nearly an hour and he spoke to on one and no one spoke to him. We could see people he mentions and describes as friends but refused to go up to them and they were with each other and saw him but didn't come up. I kept suggesting he go over but he wouldn't and we were there forever. At one point two of them walked right by us without even looking at him.

I have long suspected he is on the periphery of his so-called friendship group and he hasn't got a best friend, but to see such stark evidence of it just as he's about to go away with these people is heartbreaking.

I just feel like I've let him down and should have been more aware of what was going on. I'm very introverted myself and am a single parent who works full time so have never had 'mum' friends from school and I feel it has impacted him. His brother definitely has a big group of friends and is out all the time, but, again, no best friend or gf/bf.

I keep feeling sick thinking about him being on his own for a week.

Do you think they didn't come over because you were there. Not a criticism at all, but teenagers are weird!
You might find things will improve and he will gain confidence and become part of the group.

He won't be on his own, Op as they will be in groups throughout. I agree with the pp that you standing with him could have made it look like he was wanting to wait with you. He also could have gone over and starting chatting to friends but he didn't want to do that . Some teens of that age can be excited (especially pre trip) and a bit self self centred in that they don't include people who seem as if they don't want including. The trip may be the making of your dsvand he may return with more confidence and firmer friendships.

I did think this as well! Maybe he will naturally join in as the day/week has gone on -this doesn't necessarily reflect what his whole school life is like.
I do sympathise though as the mum of a 16 year old DS with autism who has no real friends. It can be heartbreaking looking on.

The good thing about these trips is it gives kids a chance to spend time together in a different environment and as soon as you are gone they will interact and do stuff.

Some people are just quiet but can still make friends if they find the right tribe.

It’s great he’s gone on the trip OP. I’m sure he’ll mix when he’s there. Try not to worry. Easier said than done though I know.

I have been there OP.

My daughter was around 10 when the trip happened.

Literally sat alone in the middle of the gym pretending to look in her bag, while all around everyone is in groups or pairs.

I knew she was on the periphery and had no real friends, but to watch her go away like that for a week was awful. I left in floods of tears.

It's very tough. Secondary wasn't much better.

She only found her tribe at university.

She's now 25. She still doesn't have a big group and certainly no girl group.

But she does have a social life, and a boyfriend and is much happier.

The relief is unbelievable.

I've no real advice OP as nothing we tried made any difference. She is an introvert, and I'm sure Asperger's.

University was the only thing that made a marked change - more people like her, an age when folks are more tolerant of difference, more "nerds" like her and it's not a negative.

I do feel for you, I know how heartbreaking it is.

As said about teens are wierd especially boys when parents are around. He may not have wanted to talk to the gang as you might start joining in and that would cause him to die of embarrassment. Remember he was happy to go so must be contented enough in his own skin to take it on. Try to expect the best. Send him an odd upbeat message showing him you are confident he will manage fine.

As said about teens are wierd especially boys when parents are around. He may not have wanted to talk to the gang as you might start joining in and that would cause him to die of embarrassment. Remember he was happy to go so must be contented enough in his own skin to take it on. Try to expect the best. Send him an odd upbeat message showing him you are confident he will manage fine.

oh I totally sympathise. If it makes you feel better both myself and my DH always had loads of friends growing up - very friendly with lots of people in the school now and active in the community. Two of my children are the same but one of them is super shy and awkward, always on the sidelines! It’s just personalities, don’t be blaming yourself for this.

He might be slow to warm up and will be fine. He wanted to go so that’s great and a good sign.

Thanks everyone for the lovely replies.

I do feel there has been some sort of distancing in his group. He was keen to go when the trip was announced last year, but recently he had become a bit funny about it. He didn't say he didn't want to go but I could definitely sense some anxiety. Sounds silly but it coincided with Inside Out 2 coming out. He'd been saying for ages his group were going but then he ended up seeing it with me and others went together. :)

I think there's a girl he is/was close with (platonically - he's gay) but there's also another boy who is also her friend who doesn't like ds (his words) and it seems this girl has chosen this other boy, who does seem set on excluding ds from what I can work out and witnessed today.

I don't think he's been looking forward to the trip as much recently - maybe I should have pushed more and found out why, but he hates me asking questions and getting involved.

I feel like I've really fucked up.

OP, you haven't fucked up at all!!! Can he get in contact with you while he's away?

You haven't fucked uo bit at 15 no one wants their parent hanging around.

DS was like this, no real friends but he went on a trip to Germany and hung out with a group and one particular boy and he became friends - they still are now at 20.

I’m sure we all feel like we’ve fucked up in one way or another, it’s sadly part of being a parent.

I don’t think you have though! I meant it’s just parenthood.

Mine is autistic so I completely understand. If it goes well then that's fantastic, if it isn't so great he'll probably be kept fairly busy and hopefully enjoy some of the activities anyway.

You'll be there for him when he gets back and if he's a bit down I would screw up my face and say 'was it a bit boring/rubbish?' That way you're making it about the trip rather than about any issues he had. Then if he doesn't want to say too much I'd just say 'ah well some group trips are really good and some just don't gel'. That makes it into something that could happen to anyone. Then loads of love and his favourite meal for dinner.

You definitely haven't fucked up though! Life can be tough and resilience and the people that love you are what get you through. Help him cope with it if it didn't go so well and you'll be doing him a huge favour. Then keep a close eye on him to see how he goes over the next few months.

It is hard to see things not going how we would like for our kids.
My DS is 23, does not have a single friend, he works in a solitary self employed job which he enjoys and trains hard in a solitary sport.
He's content, never seems down or sad, we get on great and have a laugh and I often feel sad to think of him always being alone (once I'm no longer here) maybe he'll be a late bloomer as they say!!