How do you do it all?

[Tigerbreadbum]

I’m 6 weeks in to a new part time job where I feel like I’m failing miserably. I’ve got 4 kids under 8. One of which has SEN who I spend hours every week battling school/council/camhs trying to get the support they need. My mum died suddenly 2 years ago and grief that I’ve kept shut in a box for so long has just hit me this week and I’m a mess.
I’ve got adhd and this morning I just can’t stop crying, I’m doing everything badly. I’m not being a good employee, I’m not being a good mum, I feel like everything is crumbling around me.
DH works 50 hours a week so can’t pick up any more slack. My employer is a really great company for wellbeing but I feel like I can’t ask for much so early on.

I just don’t understand how people do it all, work, childcare, keeping their house in some kind of order (I have no standards but it’s bad even compared to usual). Summer holidays, it just seems impossible

Routine is the key I think.

I have 2 children at home (one has adhd)

I work 36 hours a week shift work

DP works away for 2 months at a time

Routine is what keeps me going!

Put at least one wash a day even if it ends up a pile of clean clothes on the sofa by the end of the week at least they are clean!

If you don't have a dishwasher. Get one!
If DC's are old enough, give them chores

What you're trying to do is impossible, that's why you're overwhelmed.

Your dh is going to have to pick up more slack or you're going to break, and then it will be all on him to keep the show on the road. Be blunt. He needs to cut back his hours, take parental leave, or unpaid holidays if necessary in order to give more of his time to the family. You can't do this by yourself, and you shouldn't be expected to.

You have a lot on your plate and ADHD as well! Not many people would be able to hold it together under those circumstances- be kind to yourself. I have 2 easy teenagers, no ADHD, no grief to deal with and a dh who does have time to do his bit, and my house is still a mess!

You can’t do it all. It’s that simple.

You need to prioritise the things that matter and let go of the things that don’t. Easier said than done but you will break otherwise.

Do you have a support network outside DH?
Does dh pull his weight with children/home chores?

I have 4dc with 8years between 1&4. All older now but I can remember juggling all the things plus dh worked away Mon-Thurs.

Routines were essential, I utilised grandparents over Skype to entertain older ones while I put younger ones to bed etc.
Gave up completely on having a show home - concentrated on clean kitchen & bathroom and accepted the rest as is.
Lots of timetables on kitchen cupboards with chores listed (youngest used to feed the cats - a small easy job but one less thing for me to do).

You don't. Being able to do it all is a lie unless you have a very big support network and/or a lot of spare cash to outsource. All you can do is prioritise the areas most important to you.

I have 2 DCs (one has AuDHD), a DH who works long hours, no family help and I have also lost both my parents in recent years, so understand the added mental load that brings. I keep the plates spinning by working PT in a self-employed job, so I can set my hours around household and DCs' needs. The weeks where deadlines mean my hours need to be higher have a noticeable increase in stress, mess and overwhelm in all family members. I could work FT, but that would involve a lot of wraparound childcare that we don't feel is in DCs' best interests (personal choice, obviously others make a different choice or don't have the luxury of choice at all) and the house would be a shit hole - to make one area fit the 'have it all' description, I have to let another slide. DCs get everything they need and can have help with homework and ferrying them to extracurriculars as needed, we have enough money coming in to cover both what we need and cheaper luxuries, meals are freshly cooked and everything that needs to happen gets done. DH does a fair deal when he's here, but his hours are long and he's understandably tired in the evenings.
Even with this set up, there still isn't time for a lot of smaller jobs and the house is never like a show home. I also still find the mental load too much a lot of the time. I'm not a lazy person, there just never seems to be the hours in the day.

Can you take some time out OP? Grief is a hard road and a lot longer than anyone who hasn't experienced it realises. It took 6 months before my brain even registered DM had died - it had numbed it out before that - and then came in a wave that knocked me off my feet completely. I needed counselling to understand it all. After my F died, I was left with daily panic attacks that went on for many months. I again needed therapy, but even 5 years later I still get them occasionally (I'd never experienced one before) and/or have periods of complete overwhelm. I was forced to reduce my working hours for a while both times, which helped me massively and they have never fully increased back again. Without that time to rest and process, I don't think I would even have been in a position to meet my DCs' basic needs.

I’ve completely broken myself trying to do everything. I’m watching multiple women also breaking themselves. Our society is fucking killing us. I always thought there was a solution but you will always fail at some thing. My only advice is to pick the least important thing to fail at, and to try and teach your son to be better than his father. My partner has just left and the only thing I’ve noticed is I have less washing to do and there is no one undermining my parenting.