My self esteem is so low I think it’s overdrawn. Please help!

[ChangeUsername123]

As the title says, I have no self esteem, in fact less than none. I’ve posted about some of my issues before. I have chronic illnesses (ME/CFS and Fibro) as well as anxiety, OCD and now perimenopause is kicking my arse.

My illness means I miss out on life. I can’t work. I can’t participate in the activities I want to and I feel so worthless. I am also starting to feel insecure about my body and my looks and that seems to have been exacerbated after my husband has become slim through exercise he started because of a high BP diagnosis. We’ve always sort of mirrored each other weight wise but now there’s a huge difference and I feel ‘less than’.

I’ve tried therapy - 3 different people in the last 4 years (privately so spent a fortune). I’m already on SSRIs for my OCD and anxiety. I can’t take HRT at the minute. I’ve started going to a craft class and making the effort to see my friend to give me a boost but I really don’t know what else to do. I suffer badly from comparisonitis and of course, always come off terribly.

These are the sorts of things that I feel less than for.

I’m fat.
I’m ugly.
I can’t work so can’t contribute.
I can’t join in with even some of the things my husband does that I would also enjoy.
I feel shit when, like the other week, I had to leave a family wedding early while watching my husband having fun. (I don’t begrudge him doing these things or anything, I just feel like it all puts a distance between us in a way)
I feel like because I can’t work and get brain fog, I can’t hold an intelligent, interesting conversation anymore.
Although we are still close and intimate regularly, there’s stuff I can’t do in the bedroom because of my illnesss and my body limitations.

I posted recently about my concern about a new activity my husband is doing with a female friend and I’ve realised that I’m comparing myself to this female friend and of course, coming off unfavourably. I rationally know this is the way madness lies but it’s like a vicious cycle.

Tell me what I can do to help myself please!! Thank you!

Anyone?

I can relate to quite a lot that you're describing. It might not sound appealing initially, but you need to look at shifting your perspective from what you can't do to what you can, even if those things seem small to you.

Have you talked to the social prescriber at your GP surgery (assuming they have one)? They should be able to suggest local activities that might not be what you dream of but are a concrete, meaningful start. I did gardening courses for people with MH issues. There were people with all sorts of health issues so no one stood out as less able. That led to some voluntary work, giving me a focus away from my own problems and inadequacies. It wasn't until I got into it that I realised the subtle but important difference it made.

I could also suggest a few books that you could work through without the financial investment that that private therapy requires.

Bumping for you, @ChangeUsername123.

Thank you so much for your posts. I didn’t even realise I had a reply. I did have a social prescriber but it was before the first lockdown and so I only saw her once. I’ll try the doctor’s again though and see if there’s still one available.

I would be very grateful for the book recommendations if you don’t mind please.

Sure.

Russ Harris' books are really good. This and The Happiness Trap:

shorturl.at/AY3FY

This is very useful and also has a workbook:

shorturl.at/CBZQu

I think that’s been hidden as I used a URL shortener. Try again…

Reality Slap

Self-esteem

The Fear And Do It Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action Feel the Fear

None of your issues will be solved without the mental work.

Fat and ugly - well you can dress for your shape, good hair cut and good basic personal care even if it's just some tinted moisturiser, hand cream and nicer quality lounge wear if at home alot. Overhaul of diet if exercise is out the question due to medical conditions but there are seated exercises available on YouTube too which might help and give you an endorphin boost.

You may not be able to work but I bet you contribute at home. Is there any voluntary drop in type work you could do on your good day like befriending / visiting people in a residential home? My dad litter picks the local area, it's on his own schedule and it makes him feel better and benefits the environment and animals. Do you have children in the family you could volunteer to listen to read over Skype etc, can you teach them a skill? To play chess or cards etc.

Can you get out the house independently?
Have you tried different mobility aids, hired a wheelchair or mobility scooter from Red Cross or similar to see if they help so you can access days out for longer.

Reframing your thoughts, how about how great it was that you could attend part of the wedding?

You’ve had lots of great ideas already so maybe something will strike a chord.

I’m not really qualified to give advice on this as I haven’t cracked it for myself, but here are a few suggestions based on what I’ve found helpful or ideas that seems to be recommended a lot.

Morning pages
Gratitude journal
Meditation/mindfulness
Spending time outside in nature

Do you have a very critical inner voice? If you do something wrong do you call yourself stupid? If so think about how you would respond to a dear friend in the same scenario and treat yourself with compassion.

Do you have dreams and goals? Write a few down and make sure you they are achievable within a reasonable time frame - completing a small project/mastering a new skill in your craft class or read a new novel or try a new recipe rather than lose three stone or run a marathon or write a novel. Remember to check back on your list and add new things as you think of them.

You can’t work but would you be interested in learning something new, take up a language or an instrument, learn to code, watch a classic film every week then read around it or join an online book club? Start a bullet journal?

Send a letter or card to an old friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Share compliments with people when you are thinking a nice thought about them.

I’ve been using the Finch app and find it is helpful for reminding me to check in with friends a bit more often and for celebrating small achievements.

Any ideas for business or online work you could do? If you do a course on digital marketing or something like that you could then volunteer to do a few hours a week for a small charity you feel passionate about. In my area the council offers quite a few free of heavily discounted courses in things like this.

Maybe you need to learn to love yourself the way you are?

Reframing your thoughts, how about how great it was that you could attend part of the wedding?

I think reframing has to be done with nuance and sensitivity - this is close to 'toxic positivity' which I run a mile from.

Did you have ERP for OCD or just counselling? If it’s the latter you need to find someone who can offer the ERP.

Thank you for the comments everyone. And thank you for the links @CeruleanDive. I’ll check those out.

@Singleandproud thank you for the suggestions. I do tend to try and take care of myself and do wear makeup sometimes. Some days I don’t bother but when I do it gives me a boost. I’m not great with perfume but I have a couple of Molton Brown scents and their body lotion to match which are nice and not too overpowering. I tend to live in stretchy trousers and next vests because of comfort. I have just bought a few new pairs so they’re a bit more stylish and I have a couple of dresses which are nice too. Sadly I can’t commit to anything in terms of volunteering as I just don’t know how I’ll be. I managed to sit a garden for a bbq on Saturday afternoon until 8:00 and now I’m paying for it!! I do have a car and a mobility scooter but it’s just whether I am up to using them to get out. I do try though. My new craft group is nice and is a couple of times a week so that will help get me out.

@Betterthanyesterday thank you too. I’ll look into your suggestions and see if anything sounds like it will spark something. Sadly, I haven’t got any goals or dreams anymore. My husband has started doing some outdoor activities which I would have loved to do if I was well enough but they’re impossible for me so I feel like I’m missing out. I honestly feel like my illness and peri have thwarted any sort of hope I had and I just don’t know where to even start.

@kareemabali I’m trying but it’s proving difficult. I’ve instigated all 3 of the therapists I’ve had because I know I want to not feel like this anymore.

@Farmhouse1234 I only had CBT but my OCD is under control now too. I have what’s sometimes known as Pure O so my compulsions are all mental and in the form of rumination and neutralising thoughts. However, since learning more about OCD and having the Citalopram my intrusive thoughts and obsessions have settled down a lot.

Looking back, I think my OCD probably contributed to my massive feelings of worthlessness. I first developed it when I was pregnant with my eldest son nearly 30 years ago and at that time the ‘theme’ was harm. I had intrusive thoughts about harming my son, which were obviously very distressing. At the time though there was no information available like there is now so I was convinced I was a bad, evil person for so long. I didn’t dare tell anyone because I thought they’d take my baby away from me. And even now that I know it was ‘just’ OCD, I still can’t shake that feeling of me being bad. And although my childhood wasn’t bad, it was lacking in affection and positivity and I don’t think that helps either. Like I was never good enough and always a pain. My biological father used to pick me up and put me down when he felt like it too.

I do get it.
I am 39 and feel like my life has gone to pot. I feel sadder the older I get.
I have a very toxic family but can't afford to move out (Am in London and single), I am very ugly and started to put on a lot of weight, no friends anymore as they all moved away and now doing the whole family and kids things and I have chronic illnesses.
I work but don't earn anywhere near enough.
I have no real suggestions for you, everyone else has given some good ideas. But I did want you to know you are not alone and you have a lot more worth than you realise x

This is obviously not a short term solution, but I was wondering if your doctor has offered surgery for your fibroids?

I had chronic endometriosis (30+ years, 7 surgeries, in absolute agony a lot of the time, and ended up in A&E every month due to haemorrhaging blood). I also had CFS, severe depression and anxiety, and my self esteem was in the toilet. I felt fat, ugly, exhausted and unloveable.

I finally had a hysterectomy in 2022 and haven’t looked back.

I can exercise for the first time in decades and I feel like I’m in control of my body for the first time in my adult life. I’m no longer severely anaemic for the first time in 40 years, so my exhaustion has improved. And my hormones are stable for the first time in 40 years, so my anxiety and depression are manageable.

Again, it’s not a short term solution but it solved 90% of my problems. I felt better within 24h of the surgery than I’d done in years.

Failing that very drastic suggestion, you may feel better post-menopause for the same reasons.

Have you had your iron levels checked privately? According to the NHS guidelines, I wasn’t anaemic - and yet I had to have three red blood cell transfusions before my surgery (and two during) because I was too anaemic for surgery. I’ve had my iron levels tested since the surgery and because I’m no longer haemorrhaging blood on a daily basis, they’re still good.

If you can afford to see a private doctor to get your iron levels checked and have a transfusion, that’s a fast way to up your energy levels. Will mean you might be able to do more - even the mental load of meal planning, finding a therapist etc might be easier.

Best of luck.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling crappy and thank you for sharing your sorry and your kind words. I lost a lot of friends when I gave up work too. It really is shit at times.x

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I don’t have fibroids; it’s fibromyalgia! I’m so pleased to hear your surgery helped you though.. it sounds like you had a really tough time. I wish I could exercise but the after effects are just awful.