If your child has ASD, did/would you have a second?

[Sunfyre]

Hello,

First of all I just wanted to say that I hope that this post doesn't come across offensive, it's definitely not my intention to be abelist or anything of the kind.

I am the mother of a wonderful little girl who we strongly suspect has ASD, although not yet diagnosed. Since having her and researching I've realised that I am most likely ND myself. DH and his family have always kind of described themselves as ND in quite a mild way, they are all big on routines, have certain sensory issues etc. Basically what im trying to say is that our lives seem to have all been slightly brushed by autism, but have been very lucky that nobody has been profoundly affected.

However we are know trying to decide whether a 2nd child is right for us and I find myself worrying that the combination of our genes makes us pretty likely to have another ND child, possibly one who is more severely affected. And il be honest, the thought utterly terrifies me.

I have found motherhood very hard, but I don't fear raising my daughter. I believe she will be a lot like me and I feel very equipped to be her mum. My own mum didn't 'get' me very much so it motivates me to be the absolute best parent I can even though I know it's not going to be plain sailing. But I don't have the same confidence that I'd be able to cope with a more profound presentation.

Did anyone else have the same fears? What did you do?

I have asd, my DH doesn’t. I was worried about my dd having it too and although she might, at 4 she hasn’t got any major traits and it hasn’t been picked up at nursery so if she does it’s on the milder end. I waited until she was old enough to know she didn't have any severe disabilities before deciding to have a second DC. If she had, we wouldn’t have had a second as we didn’t think we’d be able to give two as good a childhood if they both had it.

DS1 was 9 when he was diagnosed so we already had DS2. DS1 was a hard-work toddler (now I understand why!) and by the time they got to 3/ 5 and I felt physically recovered to have another I just couldn't face going back there again. I was initially open to the idea of 2-3, and I've had no regrets about sticking with 2. Indirectly the effort of raising an undiagnosed child was one of the factors in considering family size.

As DS2 gets older, I do wonder about ADHD, and his dyslexia assessment revealed some very spiky skills. While they love each other very much (never to be admitted!) they can also aggravate each other differently and it's hard to manage their clashing needs of sensory input. I'm glad that there isn't a 3rd child in the mix and as DH is an older father, I'm glad that we haven't had an additional child with higher support needs. DS1 copes with a fairly mainstream life with tweaks, but it is draining for him.

As an adult with autism, please don't have more children. Life is pretty horrendous for autistic people.

As an adult with autism, I strongly disagree.

I was pregnant with my second when my first was only six months old so he hadn't had his diagnosis at that point.
As it turned out they are both autistic. First dx at 2.5 and second DX at 3.

We had originally planned to have 3 children but decided to stick at 2 in order to give them our full attention and resources.

We didn't think it would be fair to anyone to add a third child.

It's so strange though because my sons are in their 20s and there's still a third child shaped hole in my mental picture of my family. I realise that sounds stupid.

Stopping at 2 was the sensible decision under the circumstances.

Sorry OP I know you wanted posts from people with ND kids. But my husband and I are both ND, so are our siblings,the genetic link is very strong.
We're currently TTC and the choice was between 0 and 1 child. More than 1 never an option. If I happen to conceive twins so be it but just can't take the risk of having multiple ND children.

Also, depending on the severity sometimes ND traits don't become a problem until a child is older.

The thought of a severely autistic child is scary too but life has no guarantees, things could turn at any moment.

I guess it's your drive and reasoning. Many people want more children and also have visions of siblings happily playing together.

Personally I want to be a mum and one child fulfils this , I see no benefit to having more. H and I clashes with siblings MORE actually because of all the ND, we have very different needs and set opinions.

I strongly suspect DD2 has ADHD or ASD but it’s hard to diagnose whilst it could still be toddler/young child behaviour. We had decided to stick with two for various reasons but I was unknowingly pregnant at the time. DS is now 3mo. His presence has definitely calmed her down and she absolutely adores him. DD1 also adores him and is the best big sister to him.

There's so many factors to consider, it's not a simple question that will have the same response from everyone.

For us, I am AuDHD and DH is NT, our first born is autistic, our middle son has ADHD and we have just had a 3rd child. We haven't found their diagnoses a reason to stop having more children, we just adapted our lives differently and although this isn't how we pictured our lives, we are in a great place as a family.

At the time we were ttc number 2, we were starting to wonder if there was something more going on with our very difficult toddler, but didn't have our eyes fully open. On some level I think I did know, but my head was firmly in the ground.

By the time DC2 was born, we knew DC1 was autistic, though he wasn't diagnosed for another year. In learning about his condition, we had also spotted a number of signs in both myself, DH & members of the wider family, so knew from the start that genetically there was a high chance DC2 would be neurodiverse as well.

If I had worked it our 4 months earlier, I probably wouldn't have had DD.

If you'd asked me during the first 2 years, when DD was tiny and DS was at his most challenging, I'd have told you not to.

Now at ages 4&7, I'm so glad I didn't know. DD is autistic as well, but she fits so well into our neurodiverse family. The kids adore each other and it's so nice that my quirky little ones, who are so out of step with wider society, are so on the same wavelength as each other. I'm so pleased they have that.

(Disclaimer. Neither kids have profound needs, which does make us very fortunate. I'm still not sure if I'd have knownly rolled that dise)

my FIL has ASD and my sister has ADHD. Both diagnosed as adults. I suspect I have a lot of traits of ASD and ADHD although never bothered to have a formal diagnosis.

DS1 has ASD although very high functioning. We had DD before DS1 was diagnosed and then DS2. The younger 2 are NT.

The comments about not all ND complementing other ND have really resonated with me! Particularly @PotatoFarls point about even NT children could be a struggle for someone ND.

I'm really grateful for all the opinions, truly.

Not quite what was asked but DH was diagnosed at 4 years old. His sister doesn’t have a diagnosis. We have one DS who doesn't appear to have ASD either, but he's only 2.5 years (however very good talker, communicator and very sociable), very different to his dad at this age (he had delayed speech). We are planning on TTC a second this year.

Like PP, we have 2 children and first dc wasn't diagnosed until DC2 was already here. DC1 is 'high functioning' (I know that term is frowned upon) in the sense that there are no LD and is verbal. Started mainstream school but now at independent specialist. DC2 also has LD and is non verbal. Developmentally aged 1 at actual age 6. Attends an SLD school. For us, we felt that the ASD presented worse second time around so no chance we'd risk a 3rd. It's a very personal decision, no guarantees to the degree that any child would be affected which makes it a gamble. Only you know what you could handle.

This is my fear I suppose. I do think DD is/will be 'high functioning' in that she can talk, is potty trained etc but I'm so much more well versed in autism in women now that I know very well it could all crumble. But, I do think she is an extremely good chance at living a good life.

I've had quite an honest conversation with DHs family about it on the weekend, and it turns out there is more intellectual disabilities than I thought but because the support has historically been shocking they've often just been dismissed as 'thick' or 'weird'. It breaks my heart to be honest.

I think your benchmark is low if you think that an autistic person who can talk and use the toilet equates to them living a good life.

Trust me I know, I've felt extremely anxious and 'wrong' my entire life, but I mean more in terms of I feel if my daughter is going to have similar experiences to me I do think I am well equipped to help her & I will go to the ends of the earth to get her the support she needs. I'm mentally steeling myself for there to be many, many challenges ahead. I guess I fear the unknown of other presentations of ASD. I know I've no way of knowing what her struggles will end up being though. Sorry this is clumsily worded.

No. I work at a special school and there are so many siblings there. It's not fair. Your next one could be completely non verbal and need 24 care for their whole life. I see this a lot. Don't be selfish.

Another factor I am experiencing even with having one disabled child only, is that the household earning power is massively reduced. So the financial stress you would need to factor for is not only because of the additional costs of having a disabled child (which are massive enough on their own).

Because of the need for close supervision 24/7 plus (in our case) ‘high functioning’ child not going to school due to devastating anxiety and sensory overload; (which is very common) the adult earner/s can’t work as they would do otherwise, because the child’s needs are not being met by the education provided. So child can’t go to school, might go in for a part day, might go for an hour. It’s not predictable.

And thanks to disgusting government underfunding leading to LA rationing of education for SEN kids. it takes at least a couple of years if you’re lucky of fighting the LA to get EHCP + then EOTAS. All the special schools are full and places are for kids with very high and very complex needs. Which is just the tip of the iceberg of needs.

I think even in our situation (and I count myself lucky that my child doesn’t have even more complex needs to cope with on top)- having another child to care for would be making me even more ragged to the extent I would definitely not be meeting both child’s needs, because my health is going. So whether this imaginary child were NT and needing no extra help, or ND in some way and needing help to whatever degree, it would be a massive struggle.

This is a child who masks so well in public that people confidently tell me there is nothing wrong with her she’s just a hit shy and quirky.. the dysregulation at home is off the charts and very frightening. And destructive. the whole SEND education system is broken so unless you are wealthy with family support it’s worth thinking through very carefully what your resources are to care for an extra child. Very depressing to have to write that. Sorry.

I am autistic (diagnosed many years ago) but have a happy marriage and have children. Academically I was very able and I have friends. I’m aware of things that I make much more difficult than they need to be but I manage.

I have two children diagnosed with autism and one awaiting an assessment. The difference between them is immense. I doubt one, despite talking and using the toilet, will ever be able to live independently whilst one of the others is so easily led and trusting that she is a danger to herself especially since her processing of dangers is way off. When they were younger, whilst it was always apparent one was autistic, their struggles weren’t noticeable or were readily overcome or avoided.

If the child of mine continues to be as violent once she is older, she won’t be able to stay living here as she is a danger to everyone around her. Yet how can I let her leave? I have a horrible vision of the future where she is locked up because she has beaten me once too often and kills me. It’s a genuine risk but I don’t see a way around it. Yet many who fleetingly meet her would say she couldn’t possibly be autistic because she doesn’t fit the immediate stereotype.

I had 3 more after my first (who has ASD). We had DS2 far too close to have any inkling that DS1 was ND, then we decided to go for DS3 anyway. It turns out DS3 is also ND, but we didn't know that before having DD (last child).

That said, our decision to stop at 4 and not sneak 'one last' one is entirely down to the ASD. My DC are incredible and I love them to pieces, but I did/do not love how hard I've had to fight to get them the very basics of education and acceptance in the world. I don't have it in me to do that again, so we're done.

The decision making needs to go far into the future too. DS1 is independent (nearly an adult now), but DS3 is likely to need to live with us very, very far into adulthood and need supported living to move out. He will also need 'checking on' by his siblings when we are no longer here to support him. I couldn't put any more on them.

TheSnowyOwl

So many good points, thank you everyone.

As an adult with autism I don’t agree. I have a pretty decent life. I am who I am now and wouldn’t change my life