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Original poster

Will i regret not having more kids ?

37 replies

Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 07:03

Not long married. Have a 6 year old from previous marriage. I didn't want more kids and my dh is happy either way. However I don't know I'm starting to think should I have another before I'm too old. I'm 38 so it'd would have to be soon. I'm not sure what I want and I don't want to regret not having more when the time has passed.

OP posts:
NervousSubject · 17/07/2024 07:05

You’d be crazy to do something you don’t fundamentally want in case you later regret not doing it.

Cadela · 17/07/2024 07:11

Why would you? This is your hormones talking - I’m the same! I have a 7yo Dd and I'm 36 and spent a year considering having a second. I eventually came to the realisation it was hormones and I didn’t actually want to go back to the beginning again.

Original poster
Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 07:35

Thing is I don't know whether I do or don't want another !

OP posts:
LadyWhistled0wn · 17/07/2024 07:37

I wouldn't, you'll probably end up regretting it if your not 100 percent sure you want one.

insidenumber9 · 17/07/2024 07:40

When your dc is a teen you’ll be so happy you stuck with 1!

Original poster
Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 07:53

I'm such a ruminator so it's hard to make a decision.

OP posts:
DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 17/07/2024 07:54

I’m 39, I’ve got a six year old and am 36 weeks pregnant with number two. I am having fairly frequent flashes of “what the hell am I doing/what was I thinking” but I think that in a couple of years when we’re out of the trenches of newborn/baby life, I will be certain that this was a good choice for us. If it hadn’t happened though, life would still have been full and wonderful with just one. We had room (emotionally and literally) for someone else but I didn’t feel like there was anyone missing. Not sure I’m helping here with my rambling but, as with most things, there’s probably no right answer and you have to choose the one that feels right-est in the moment and then embrace the subsequent consequences/reality as best you can!

iseegulls · 17/07/2024 07:57

I don't think anyone can tell you either way what's right for you. And it may well be that there is no right / wrong decision, simply two different paths .

Have you talked it over with your DH and close friends / family? Not that they can tell you what you do either! But talking it over could help you make a decision.

Tolip · 17/07/2024 07:58

How do you know if it's hormones?

I had mine at 26 and 28. I've always wanted 3. only at age 38 did I become at peace with it.

PregnantWithHorrors · 17/07/2024 08:00

When a decision is as important as this, all your options involve the risk of regret later.

Vettrianofan · 17/07/2024 08:03

I have 4, my youngest is 6yo...big no from me! Why would you go back to baby years again?

Enjoy your life being settled.

Beezknees · 17/07/2024 08:05

I have one child, no regrets at all. The idea of doing pregnancy, birth, baby stage again is horrifying.

Bakersdozens · 17/07/2024 08:08

Don't have a half wanted child. If it all goes wrong, and you have a disabled child, or a child that hates your other child and life long rows, or you separate and end up fighting over CMS or coparenting....you need to know it was a child you really really really wanted

NebulaNebule · 17/07/2024 08:10

I have an only child who is a teenager and I regret not having a second one because she is very lonely, friendships are flakey and they can't live with you like a sibling so the house is quiet again as usual. Family neices and nephews are all much older. I feel so sad that once her dad and I are gone that is it. I try not to spiral into thoughts of what it she needed a kidney or something and it is cheaper and easier to do things with one but many tickets and places assume you are a family of 4.
7 year gap is not so bad, i would have another child.
The only thing I am not sure about is whether your child will feel hurt and possibly jealous at seeing this new baby have a mum and dad when his own dad is was not around but I guess that is something you can mitigate and navigate with your DC together.
The most important is if you have a place in your heart for another child and if your relationship is healthy and solid enough.

NebulaNebule · 17/07/2024 08:16

Mean siblings are down to bad parents not teaching them kindness and respect or favouring and discriminating between them. Disabilities are mostly discovered with prenatal screenings. As far as I know ASD tends to run in families.. you could research the risks of a disabled child at your and your husband's age... but I feel this is the worst case scenario, most babies are born ok thankfully.

Hardingham291 · 17/07/2024 08:17

We have 1 DS who is 15. Never regretted not having any more. He's happy as an only child. Lots of mates, life feels good.

Beezknees · 17/07/2024 08:18

NebulaNebule · 17/07/2024 08:10

I have an only child who is a teenager and I regret not having a second one because she is very lonely, friendships are flakey and they can't live with you like a sibling so the house is quiet again as usual. Family neices and nephews are all much older. I feel so sad that once her dad and I are gone that is it. I try not to spiral into thoughts of what it she needed a kidney or something and it is cheaper and easier to do things with one but many tickets and places assume you are a family of 4.
7 year gap is not so bad, i would have another child.
The only thing I am not sure about is whether your child will feel hurt and possibly jealous at seeing this new baby have a mum and dad when his own dad is was not around but I guess that is something you can mitigate and navigate with your DC together.
The most important is if you have a place in your heart for another child and if your relationship is healthy and solid enough.

I'm an only child and I've never even thought about what would happen if I needed a kidney! When my parents are gone that is not "it" either I have a DS and maybe grandchildren one day. Your parents aren't the only people in your life.

MoveToParis · 17/07/2024 08:22

Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 07:53

I'm such a ruminator so it's hard to make a decision.

I definitely wouldn’t. A good way is to make a provisional decision now. e.g. I will stop taking the pill on October 1st, and then see how it feels, sit with it. You can then decide against it later, and will feel happier with your choice.

twistyizzy · 17/07/2024 08:25

Never regretted having 1. I'm from a long line of onlys. The thought of going back to the baby and toddler years make me shudder, I loved them at the time but I simply don't have the energy now.

theapli · 17/07/2024 08:28

OP only you can decide what you want to do.
You need to write everything down, a list of pros and cons, and go from there.
If you ended up with a child with a disability I'm sure you would regret it. But chances are you would have a healthy baby and if this is what you want I'd think about trying soon.

ClonedSquare · 17/07/2024 08:39

Only you can decide. If you're genuinely on the fence, I feel like some level of regret is inevitable whichever way you go.

For me, I weighed up the risks. To me, the worst case scenarios were the important ones. What was the worst case scenario of having a second? What was the medium bad scenario? What was the neutral situation? Could I live with those options, or would I forever be resentful that I hadn't stopped at one child? And then I looked at the positives- were they worth throwing away the plans we had for our only child that we could no longer afford/manage with two?

For us, it wasn't worth the risk or sacrifice so we're one and done. I'm completely happy with my choice now, but will probably feel some level of pangs in future when I see friends or acquaintances with two or more children. But ultimately I believe you can make the completely right decision and still feel a little sad for what could have been.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 17/07/2024 08:39

NebulaNebule · 17/07/2024 08:10

I have an only child who is a teenager and I regret not having a second one because she is very lonely, friendships are flakey and they can't live with you like a sibling so the house is quiet again as usual. Family neices and nephews are all much older. I feel so sad that once her dad and I are gone that is it. I try not to spiral into thoughts of what it she needed a kidney or something and it is cheaper and easier to do things with one but many tickets and places assume you are a family of 4.
7 year gap is not so bad, i would have another child.
The only thing I am not sure about is whether your child will feel hurt and possibly jealous at seeing this new baby have a mum and dad when his own dad is was not around but I guess that is something you can mitigate and navigate with your DC together.
The most important is if you have a place in your heart for another child and if your relationship is healthy and solid enough.

It’s easy to romanticise the sibling relationship if you don’t have any but it most likely wouldn’t be the answer to your daughter’s loneliness. She could still feel all of those things with a sibling, I know I did. If you look at your reasons for wishing you’d had a second not one of them is anything to do with genuinely wanting a second child, it’s all because you think it would solve your daughters problems which is never a given or a good reason to create another person. I’m mum to an only and I know it’s natural to feel guilt if you think you’ve done your child a disservice but the guilt would be so much worse if you had another child you didn’t truly want as much as the first.

Original poster
Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 08:43

I'm not an only child and was lonely !

OP posts:
Menapausemum1974 · 17/07/2024 08:51

Thunderandlightningisfrightening · 17/07/2024 07:35

Thing is I don't know whether I do or don't want another !

@Thunderandlightningisfrightening I think your more likely to regret not having one rather than you would by having one but just my opinion

Cactiverde · 17/07/2024 08:57

I'd be looking at the practicalities in this situation...

Is your ex involved with your current child? In other words, do you and current partner have child free time over the weekend etc? If so, invisage a time where your eldest has to go to their fathers, and your youngest is obviously with you and dp 24/7. Will this be a bug adjustment to your current set up?

Do you have much family support? Hands on grandparents/aunties & uncles, who will be involved and happy to help out with two children with completely different needs and wants due to the age gap will certainly make life easier in the future, and without that support I'd probably not be so keen to have another baby. I know friends with big age gaps and the grandparents will only look after the eldest, and think they're helping out by having one of the kids overnight, but actually it makes things trickier as they're left with a grumpy bored younger child who doesn't understand why they haven't been able to go too, and the couple still doesn't get any kid free time.

Don't expect the kids to get on, your eldest is at an age where a baby is not going to just slot into their life, and will make things harder for all, how do you think they will find this? Having to clear away their legos, and small toys when baby is crawling, having to have their routine suddenly dictated by baby naps, and nappy changes. It's a bug adjustment for the existing child as well as the parents, and that is harder with a slightly older child who has known life as an only for a longer time. Also, obviously only being biologically yours, will this impact the relationship your child has with their step father? It's hard for the existing child to not be pushed out when a baby comes along, especially when they become part of a blended family where they aren't related to both parents of their new sibling.

Days out, trying to please both will ultimately become harder, and you may find you end up doing things separately to accommodate both their needs.

All things I'd be considering in your situation.