I know what you own but not who you are

[OphiC]

Hello everyone, I was wondering if someone can explain me something about the culture I’m surrounded with. I was born and raised abroad and living in SW by a few years. I have met countless of people here that before introducing themselves they keep telling me about their loft extensions, pay rise in their husband’s jobs and exotic holidays before I have even asked. They do ask on which road I live, if I own the house and if I have houses abroad. Is it part of the English culture or is it confined to SW to be so focused on belongings? I genuinely don’t understand why I should know what they own but nothing of who they are. Please reveal to me this mistery.

I think you just know awful people.

How strange. Not my experience at all.

Where are you meeting these people?

The southwest?

Sounds a bit like you've moved to an area with a "posh bit" full of second home owners and they are assuming all newbies are loaded to afford to live there.

I noticed this when I lived down south, but now I'm up north it's not like this at all. I'm also from overseas.

yes it is probably a wealthy area, but still, it’s very odd. I lived in many places around the world and no one ever pointed out these things. Thank you everyone, I feel a bit better now.

School drop off/pick up, office, social events.. luckily I have also met nice people.

It's not just the SW. My dad is from the north and he literally moved countries into a poorer country so he could be the "richest man in the village" and boast about how cheaply he can buy beer and meat, swaggering about in his vehicles etc..

In his case it's rooted in his own low self esteem and feeling of needing to prove he's "somebody". I would distance yourself from such people! They are competitive and bitter and have a totally skewed metric by which to judge the worth of others. Mine has has everything material on the surface, yet he also has nothing, really. Nothing inside.

I was born in the UK and have lived here all my life. I have never in my life experienced this. I can only guess that @roundspongecake is correct and you’ve moved into an expensive area of second home owners, and have been unfortunate enough to meet the ones who are so obsessed with money and property that they think other people are too.

They don't sound like great people but are probably trying to make conversation.

They may also, consciously or subconsciously, be trying to place you in a familiar context of wealth/class before trying to get to know you.

As a side note I do recommend a book by Kate Fox 'watching the English' which I think you'll find enlightening on this kind of stuff. It's about 20 years old now but both useful and entertaining.

I bought that book a couple of years ago but I still don’t get why they need to put people in a context. I have poor and rich friends, I don’t really care what they have or do, as long as they are nice and share similar values. I have to admit that when I travel to Wales or other parts of England it never happens, only in this area of SW.

I wonder whether people like to gather context so they know how to manage things. I’ve been somewhere where everyone else was loaded, and really appreciated the people who were considerate that I was a fish out of water.
They explained things when I looked a bit puzzled and knew I wouldn’t be going to the expensive restaurants that were their norm.

Sometimes finding out a bit more about people’s circumstances can be an act of consideration. Of course it can also be an act of oneupmanship.

Some people need to know where they stand in the pecking order.

To be honest I don’t think it’s rocket science to understand if someone is not loaded with money, it is usually pretty visible. What I don’t get it’s why it’s so needed to put you inside a social and economical level and afterwards decide if it’s worth to continue the socialisation. Perhaps to build connections? As I understood reading here and there, it’s something typical of this area in SW. Why would you go to someone that you DON’T know to share the fact that you are doing a loft conversion, or planning an holiday in Mexico, or to say that your husband had a huge pay rise? It just doesn’t make sense to me, but thanks everyone for sharing your views.

I live in the south, have almost always done so, and I don’t know anyone (friends or family) who’d behave like this. As for being ‘posh’, as someone suggested, it’s anything but!

Well I’m currently telling all and sundry that I’ve got a new appliance in the kitchen. It’s the most exciting thing I’ve done for a while 🤣
I don’t get new cars or fancy handbags, but a shiny new kitchen thing floats my boat.

Having an extension would also occupy a lot of my brain, so would warrant a few mentions.

Thing is, I am only imagining the conversations you are actually part of, so can’t judge the tone. You can. If you think these people are judgy arseholes, they probably are. It’s not the only reason people have those conversations though.

You're not English so they can't immediately place you in their world view of the social hierarchy. So they ask these questions to try and place you.

I live down south (smack bang central coast!) and I don't experience this.

It's definitely your social circle rather than English culture and obsession with material stuff.

In fact the past few years with cost of living everyone's squeezed so I imagine even those who previously had a more materialistic attitude have had to rein it in!

They sound as if they are only interested in their own ' social status ' really and if you live up to their own ' standards'
It's pretty common with some people and I find it a bit sad.

You have met some bizarre people. I’m South West and where I am we tend to talk about how horrible it is that a young man with his life ahead of him is missing. We also talk about our local MP and whether he might end up PM one day. We talk about our hopeless council ( except our local councillor). We talk about the state of our city centre. Quite frankly, no one has the patience or inclination to worry about someone’s wealth unless it pertains to the conversation. These people sound very dreary.

Don't ever move to the north west, they're ten times worse! I don't think it's the area, it's the people you've met. We lived in the south west for many years and most of the friends we still have are not materialistic at all, quite the opposite though most had been born there. The west country as a whole does have a history of attracting rich retired people who like to splash the cash and some areas are worse than others...

I think there's a bit of truth in the trying to place you socially, I lived in another country for a couple of years and when I went back to Devon people cross questioned me for months as my accent had changed.

I think you just need to meet some nicer people.

I think it’s just the people you have met to be honest. It sounds like they’re in a pattern of competitive bragging.

Really unpleasant.

I’ve lived in the southwest a couple of times and only met one couple like this. Ironically they weren’t actually very wealthy but did a lot of financial jiggery pokery to screw people over.

I’ve moved all over and get the accent thing wherever I go. I don’t ‘fit’ anywhere accent wise which suits me 🤣

I'm sure if I were doing a house extension I'd talk about it a lot because I'd be thinking about it a lot.

Sounds like it's not just that though.
I do know a couple of people like this who name drop constantly and go on about how successful they are, but only a couple. It always makes them seem really insecure!

I guess you are just surrounded by a group which relates to each other in that way but I don't think it's normal.

You’re not wrong. Lived in England my entire life and people are always sooo wrapped up in what job you have, what car you drive, where you live, where you went to school, what holidays you go on…. Moved abroad and nobody gives a hoot about any of those things, they just genuinely want to know you as a person rather than what car you have etc. Now I’ve lived abroad for 10 years, I recognise it’s just a deep rooted part of British culture that not many people are even aware of. I wasn’t even aware of it until I’d moved away and then met some other British people and they were just like everyone back home. I’m sure I subconsciously was too. You see it many, many, many times a day on Mumsnet, for instance.

It is what it is, not good or bad, just different.

Not my experience at all, and we live in a wealthy part of Essex, which surely should contain the worst offenders.

I’m wondering if there’s a culture gap, and you are misinterpreting the intention of the conversation? (I say that as someone who has lived overseas and had this happen.)

People I meet out and about (at social events, choir, book club, school gates, the farm shop, the gym) talk about the things that are important in their lives. This might include things that involve spending money, but that’s not really showing off, just talking about stuff that’s looming large in one’s life.

If I was having an extension, I’m pretty sure that would be a chat topic. But mostly small talk is holidays, dogs, stuff going on in the local area, the weather, a bit of light politics, our kids etc. all the usual stuff. It’s pretty much the same topics when I visit my family in France or Ireland.

Talking about that sort of stuff if surely how to get to know people?

This thread has been an interesting read for me - I'm also from abroad and have settled in the West Country with my DP (who is from here).

I think PP are probably right about them trying to "place" you... DP sometimes tells me that I'm "lucky" I'm not British because people can't place me easily - whereas they jump to conclusions about him within seconds of him opening his mouth.

Sometimes, very rarely, I get some gentle prodding questions about my parents, schooling, background, etc. that are clearly attempts to "place" me. However, this has always been done in a classically British, low-key way, and no one has ever opened a conversation with it. It's kind of a roundabout, "so did you also play a lot of sports in school like your DP?" to try and figure out what kind of school I went to, or a "so do your parents also do X, or what made you want to go into the industry?" OK, on second thought, maybe not THAT subtle, but a far cry from outright asking if I own houses abroad, or starting a conversation about pay rises!

That said, in other places I've lived, people have also tried to "place" me but are WAY more direct about it. In my home country it's not unusual to get asked how much money DP and I make in England, how much our house cost, how much our car cost, etc. etc. It's so awful but you have to laugh, which actually reminds me that I need to get some "answers" ready for when we go back next month😂So in my experience, the good people of the SW are by far not the worst offenders...