DS will be 6 in October. He was a relatively easy baby and toddler, though he was a toddler during the pandemic so we didn't have much to do! He was at a small church nursery from 12 mos and seemed to do well there, the carers said he was quiet and happy to read or play on his own whilst the other children were messing about, but no red flags. He started at a school-based nursery just before his 4th birthday where he seemed to thrive. There was a large garden where he could play and they had incredible resources like music lessons and gym. He had wonderful praise from the teachers, who said he made good contributions to the class, got on well with others, and even helped new students settling in.
We moved after one term (abroad, to DH's home country) and had a baby before moving. He was out of school for a few months when we moved but when he started school he was having accidents nearly every day and even bit another child and didn't speak much (he was already fluent in the language from speaking iwth DH at home). We thought it was just being overwhelmed and hoped the summer holiday would give him a chance to get back to himself. However, the school year was a bit of a disaster. He was in what would be reception, and it went horribly. Two classmates (older boys) bullied him and the school didn't intervene appropriately. He struggled to make friends and was known as the naughty child in the classroom. He wasn't invited to a single birthday party. We had two or three play dates at our home where he was jealous and possessive and the other kids got upset. He was invited twice to other childrens' homes but he didn't want to go. We had several meetings with the teacher and a support worker. These were some of the issues we identified:
- He seemed nervous around other children and instead of asking them to play, would just reach out and touch them, poke them, grab them
- He couldn't draw boundaries around good/bad play (for example, the bullies are hitting you, they are not your friends, walk away if they do that, DON't do it to anyone else). A support worker was placed with him to help him learn to do this, and to make more positive contact with other children
- Not listening to instructions, being told three times to do something before doing it
- Not sharing or being possessive of toys, not cooperating (if he has blocks and wants to build them another way, he will get upset if someone wants to do something else with the blocks. He won't say it but he will knock the blocks over instead) (support worker meant to help with this too)
- Being a bit wild: if it's time to tidy up and he's built something, instead of taking it apart, he will smash it down and laugh
At home he's generally been okay with his baby sister (who is now 18 months). He's done a lot of baby talk and behaviour (which is exhausting and we try to balance encouraging him to be a big boy and giving him a bit of coddling) but generally isn't all that interested in her? As she's getting bigger, he's happy to have her as an audience for a laugh but oftentimes is happy to play on his own. Lately as she's more capable, there's lots of jealousy around her taking X toy and he wants it even though he's not playing with it, etc., which I thought was fairly typical sibling behaviour
However at the end of the year, the bullying at school progressed to where he was injured and we noticed his behaviour worsening around this time. He hit two children and has had frequent tantrums at home. Not wanting to go to school, which made sense. He also started crying and screaming if he doesn't get his way. We were at a museum today and I gave him a 5 minute warning, DD was getting tired and we needed to go home for lunch and a nap. He could play at the exhibit for a bit longer or we could stop at the cafe and get a cake. He said he wanted to play. We did that and then it was time to go home and he had a massive tantrum, crying, screaming that he wanted cake, hitting me, pulling me, climbing in DD's buggy, he even put his arm between my legs and was pulling me by the bum? (This was upsetting for me because I was sexually abused by a family member and it triggers a trauma response in me). My response to DS's tantrum is to say I'm sorry you're disapointed, but this was the choice you made. Before it was a full on tantrum, I said we could bake cakes at home instead, but it escalated to the hitting. Because of the hitting I said I would take a privilege away (no legos today, one of his favorite thing). He was very mad about that but settled after a few minutes, I felt humiliated that he was screaming and hitting me in the lobby of the museum.
There was recently a school fair and I noticed that he would be quite cheeky, he wasn't interested in the games so he would mess about with another child. Part of it, I think, is that he's starting to get "crush" on other children? (It was two girls who he plays with often who he was messing about with) But it is disruptive and it seems like he can't stop himself. Likewise we were at a different museum recently, that was more toddler oriented, and he kept taking little toys and hoarding them and not sharing. Other parents scolded him and one came up to me to complain. I ended up leaving the museum and he was obviously not happy (I also felt bad for DD as she didn't get to play much).
If he's 1-on-1 he's generally well behaved. He is then the centre of attention and getting his way. But if he has to share or not win or compromise it goes pear-shaped fairly quickly and I don't know what to do.
I have been shoutier with him than I would like. My parents were alcoholics and I don't feel I've had good role modelling. Is this behaviour a culmination of bad circumstances? Am I a shite mum? SEN? I don't know what to do but I'm knackered from feeling like I need to manage him constantly and I love him unconditionally but I am also starting to dread days out and the summer holidays because his behaviour can be so unpredictable. Please help I really don't know what to do.