Paradise or Community

[dogmama]

I'd appreciate any input from anyone that has emigrated then moved home again.

I'm from a beautiful place in Scotland and met someone that had a kid in NZ so we moved here 5 years ago. In that time we've had 2 under 2, I've been the main breadwinner, we've had no support and it has been HARD.
I've put on 30 kgs as I'm in a job I dislike to pay a massive mortgage as cost of living here is insane.

Youngest is now 1 and things are getting easier. I can see the value in living here, it's peaceful and quiet and friendly.. there are a lot of issues like anywhere but it's not frenetic and tense like where I'm from. We wouldn't necessarily get lots of hands on support at home but I'd be around my oldest friends and have friendship and connection, which I've really struggled with here. I've not had the time or energy to invest in new friendships, I'm lonely, the cycle continues.

So torn as to what to do. Stick it out and hope the good life kicks in or accept that community is actually really fucking important and critical when rearing kids?

My husband has a tiny family, i.e. a grumpy aloof mum and now adult son who's into his own thing. He has mates he sees out and about but no-one comes to visit for example unless it's a birthday etc. He's up for moving though will miss NZ (he's from here).

Thanks for getting this far! So conflicted!

I was an expat in 2 countries and a third but that was on a fixed contract so I don’t count it.
We both had adult children at home ( from previous marriages, both had children very young)
Met a lot of ex pat m young families at one location particularly and they seemed to find the early years the hardest.
I think you’ve got the lion’s share of the family load —- working, not a great job and you’ve given birth to two close together. Can something ease? A different job, fewer hours ?
Otherwise I’d say fix a time limit—6 months, 18 months, 2 years , whichever you feel need, and then say you’ll make a decision and stick with it.
I did return to the UK but after being in my own for several years ( DH died in an RTA) and the arrival of grandchildren swung it.
I miss my friends, far better social life than UK. I miss the slower, simpler way of life and the quietness. I wouldn’t say I’m happier in the UK but as I’m getting older I know I did the right thing.
And fwiw I was told 5 years is usually the point expats question whether to stay or go home— not sure how true that is but heard it a few times.

If your partner has an older child in NZ, I think you needto stay, whatever your personal feelings.

Theres currently a thread running about an Ex emigrating to Australia leaving his older child behind.

Thank you allthehorses for your insight. That's so interesting about the 5 year thing, the feeling is definitely crescendoing!

I work part-time now and so does husband so it's a 50-50 split but all my memories of here are alone.. alone on the beach, in the forest, etc.. just feels so strange!

I think you make a good point about deciding and sticking with it.. it's the toing and froing that tiring and not being in the moment.

I can't find the thread puttingdownroots but thank you for steering me to think a bit more about that too.

Its in AIBU... "ex-husband emigrating and abandoning son"

I see it thanks.. that poor boy was 8! My stepson is 19 and has been invited to come (but won't).. slightly different but yes maybe still a bit too young to be sans pops

I understand the difficulties of raising kids with zero support network. It’s really hard work, and sometimes the support you’re missing isn’t family childcare, it’s dropping into the shop on the way over and bringing a bottle of milk or emptying the dishwasher and having a chat while you do nappy changes.

Saying that:

1. what if you go back and the grass was most definitely greener? With the distances involved I’m guessing once the decision is made it’s made and there’s no going back to NZ.
2. can you deal with the different climate, lack of sunlight etc? When we go back now it’s really bloody hard to adjust 😂
3. is it a given that your quality of life will be the same or better if you move back? How do salaries compare? House prices? Childcare? I know you said NZ is extortionate but ensure you have an up to date and realistic understanding of the costs of ‘starting again’ in Scotland.
4. how will your stepson and his dad deal with the distance?
5. What are your husband’s chances of finding decent and enjoyable employment in the area you move to? Resentment at what feels like a ‘forced’ relocation is very much a thing to be aware of. Honestly, I’d be factoring the cost for a course of couples therapy into the budget to reduce the chance of seething rage.
6. Could you and he sustain working part time? Are you happy to go back to being full time?
7. be aware that your friends, however close you are, will have moved on to some extent. I’m not trying to be harsh, but the reality is that you might not occupy the position in your ‘circle’ that you did when you left.

FWIW I was in your situation but a lot closer to home. Eventually we moved on to a third country and are generally much happier. We found a group of really decent friends which gave us the sense of ‘a village’ that we’d been lacking, and found a neighbourhood that suited ‘our’ vibe a lot more. I guess what I’m saying is ‘is the country and distance the problem, or that you miss your ‘home’ country specifically, or is it the area of your country that isn’t offering what you need?’

They say that an emigrant never really has their feet in one place again, but I think if you’re mentally prepared for the challenges of ‘going back’ it’s half the battle.

Thank you birdahoy, there's a lot to ponder and I appreciate you breaking that down!

Maybe the grass feels greener when it's so hard and actually it's just going to be tough wherever we are! We can't financially sustain both part-time but glad we could when they're so wee.

Will definitely go home for the summer next year and see!