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Original poster

Wedding gift dilemma

32 replies

GiftOrNoGift · 15/07/2024 16:21

DH’s younger brother got married a few weeks ago. Only parents invited. He wasn’t invited to any stag do (she had a hen do but only invited local family members).

We’ve had a text invite to an evening party in a pub where they live. It’s a long way from us so we have booked an airbnb for the weekend. I asked DH about a gift and he said he hadn’t thought about it. I said it was traditional to get them a gift and he said it was traditional to invite immediate family
to the wedding. I think he is quite upset about it but won’t say anything.

I generally stay out of the relationship with his family but I fear we will be turning up empty handed and with him in scruffy shorts/t-shirt and I’m not sure I can cope with that! On the other hand they’re in their 40s, both have kids and everything they want at home etc. I don’t want to buy something for the sake of it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
CelesteCunningham · 15/07/2024 19:17

GiftOrNoGift · 15/07/2024 19:10

It’s costing us well over £300 just to travel there.

I didn’t say anything about covering the cost of food. DH is hurt that his brother didn’t invite him to his wedding. I think that’s valid. Given the only invite is to X pub at 7pm on this date via WhatsApp we have no idea what to expect. It’s not even badged as a wedding party.

Show quote history

That's just what happens when you live far away though. It's the same for us but it is what it is. Don't go if you can't afford it, but they're having a party in a local pub so don't blame them for your costs.

I understand your DH being upset, but at the same time it doesn't sound like he was excluded while other siblings or friends were invited. They're older and didn't fancy a big fuss. I think if you try make a point via a gift you'll look very very petty and damage relations for the future.

TemuSpecialBuy · 15/07/2024 19:23

God it's a bit shit no one would even put you up on an airbed for one night...

Like i said I'd "go high"
Get in get out and give them nothing substantial to complain about

rookiemere · 15/07/2024 19:45

Well as the airbnb is booked, I would try and think of it as a nice weekend break away with a duty relatives visit in the middle , at least presumably they will all be there so you won't have to do any further visiting.I would assume there would be nibbles only so eat beforehand.
I would get champagne and a card, but supermarket champagne not Moet and Chandon, Aldi does a bottle for £15.

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Sunshineafterthehail · 15/07/2024 19:52

Empty card and the bottle.

Original poster
GiftOrNoGift · 15/07/2024 20:35

TemuSpecialBuy · 15/07/2024 19:23

God it's a bit shit no one would even put you up on an airbed for one night...

Like i said I'd "go high"
Get in get out and give them nothing substantial to complain about

I think DH has been waiting for one of his many siblings to suggest doing something the next day before we set off but nobody has. It has been this way for the 20+ years I’ve known him but he lives in hope, bless him. Nobody has. He won’t suggest it. No doubt someone will suggest it last minute then get cranky that we’ve made other plans (because we will).

OP posts:
Original poster
GiftOrNoGift · 15/07/2024 20:36

rookiemere · 15/07/2024 19:45

Well as the airbnb is booked, I would try and think of it as a nice weekend break away with a duty relatives visit in the middle , at least presumably they will all be there so you won't have to do any further visiting.I would assume there would be nibbles only so eat beforehand.
I would get champagne and a card, but supermarket champagne not Moet and Chandon, Aldi does a bottle for £15.

French supermarket champagne. Not at all
expensive and needs no effort at all.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 15/07/2024 22:00

I think DH has been waiting for one of his many siblings to suggest doing something the next day before we set off but nobody has. It has been this way for the 20+ years I’ve known him but he lives in hope, bless him. Nobody has. He won’t suggest it. No doubt someone will suggest it last minute then get cranky that we’ve made other plans (because we will).

Sounds like he is being a martyr to me. If I were going to the town my brother (and how many siblings?) lived in for a family party, I would obviously know their houses and circumstances, and I would say to whichever is best placed "Can we kip at yours on the night of db's party?" and if I wanted to spend some time with them the day before, or after, I'd say "Is anyone around for a pub lunch / country walk / visit to.... / etc either during the day before the prty, or the day after the party?".

Sounds ridiculous 'just waiting to be asked' Hmm

Re the present though, I'd take a bottle of wine, same as I would to any evening party where I hadn't been signposted to donate to a charity or something instead. You weren't invited to the wedding, you are invited to a party, on a different date.

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