Head vs heart - relocating - help me feel better about it?

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

Brace yourselves, it's a long one....

My partner and I have always planned to relocate before the kids start school. After weighing the pros and cons (see next post) several times, it's clear that moving is the best decision. However, we’re very settled and I underestimated how hard it would be to leave.

Staying in the city or its outskirts is financially unfeasible. To fund the cost of a move and also the additional features we'd like from a house we need to move to a more affordable area. We have considered making renovations to our current home to make it more suitable for the long term but overall the extent of the necessary work would far outweigh the costs of moving to a house which already has all the features we'd hope to add; it would basically financially cripple us and we're already struggling. In fact where we're looking at we'd get the house we want, be able to fund the move AND have money left in the bank.

This was always the plan. We knew our current house would be too small once we had children and that we’d eventually move out of the city. We've been narrowing down potential areas for the last few years and have a shortlist of two towns. We've been visiting them both as much as possible in all seasons/weathers to get more of a feel for them/help us to decide. Since we both work remotely, we can relocate before our children start school and establish roots. Neither of the towns are an easy commute to our current location or the friends we have here. We have looked closer to home but even the local towns and villages are very pricey compared to the towns on our shortlist. So it'll be a complete change.

Moving seems like the obvious choice, it's hard to argue against. But we both feel very sad about leaving friends and this city we love so much. Every time we have a day out in town, see another amazing event taking place somewhere in the city, hang out with friends who feel like family, take a walk in our local park etc we have this melancholy feeling that it's going to be so heartbreaking to leave. Plus I've read quite a few threads from people who have moved and been unable to settle in their new area so I'm starting to have real anxiety about making the wrong choice.

TLDR: How do I get my heart on board with what seems like an extremely logical decision to move out of the city I love?

For those interested, here is the pro/con list:

Moving pros:

• Gain an extra bedroom, reception room, additional WC/bathroom, office, bigger garden, and garage whilst simultaneously....
• Releasing a not inconsiderable amount of equity from our current property to improve our daily life and set up investments for the kids
• More disposable income due to lower cost of living (e.g., both children could have swimming lessons for the price of one here, a sunday roast is half the price per person etc). Our income wouldn't be affected so this would have a huge affect on our lives
• Easy access to many of our favourite leisure activities
• closer to work for my partner’s very occasional office/site visits
• Better air quality
• Smaller class sizes for our children (not tiny, but smaller), better air quality, more freedom for them to explore (the kind of town where kids walk to/from school alone by the time they're in year 3 or 4, whereas here they don't travel alone until secondary school and then only if they have a mobile phone), and a safer environment
• Excellent local schools, both primary and secondary
• Hopefully have an increased feeling of security and safety rather than being somewhere where currently I am uncomfortable walking in certain areas alone, or the immediate vicinity of my house after dark
• We've already met some of the locals in the areas we're looking at and they've been extremely welcoming/encouraging of a move

Moving cons

• all the upheavals of moving, making new friends (we won't know anyone), getting to know a new area etc
• moving somewhere a lot quieter (still a town, not completely rural) without as much going on as we're used to. Just by nature of not being in a city the same amenities wouldn't be as accessible

Staying pros:

• Stay close to our incredible friends who feel like family
• Enjoy the vibrant, multicultural experiences of the city
• Have all the comforts of being somewhere we know extremely well

Staying cons

• Financially strain ourselves to do a loft conversion or extension, or accept that we'll be tripping over each other (I know many people live in smaller homes very happily, it's just not something we ever thought we'd do as the plan was always to relocate for a larger home)
• our house also needs some structural work doing to it which would be non negotiable/messy/expensive
• We're currently looking at paying off the mortgage in our mid 60's, if we release equity to do the loft conversion/extension this will be even later or our repayments will be unaffordable
• there are loads of incredible amenities right on the doorstep but we can't afford to enjoy 95% of them because the cost of living here is already super high. At the moment we're not even sure how we're going to afford sending DC2 to swimming lessons as the total bill for both children would then be £90 a month, just for a singular activity! DH and I don't have a gym membership or anything like that as we genuinely can't afford it.
• Accept the idea of a less ideal secondary school. Many local friends seem to be intending to leave the area before secondary, which feels like it will be much more of an emotional strain as the kids will be really settled by then. Also we have two children, so moving when one starts secondary means disrupting primary for the other. But essentially staying would mean assuming that the friends we currently love so well would probably be planning to leave in 6 or 7 years anyway!
• Accept that we live in a high-crime area where we won't feel safe letting the kids out alone (or me going out alone tbh) for quite some time. Not sure I'd ever be resting easy about it.
• air quality here is also pretty awful

I'd move, for sure.

I can think of several ways you could reframe some of your moving ‘cons’,

• the upheavals of moving = chance to get rid of all the unwanted clutter, create a home that reflects this stage of our lives
• making new friends (we won't know anyone) = chance to meet new people and make more friends
• getting to know a new area - this is absolutely a positive thing to do (which may explain why I’m a serial mover

My cons would be focused around any area that is mono-cultural (in many ways) and/or full of small-minded people (I am not saying those two things are always connected, btw)

That's a pretty long list of pros to the move! High crime and crap local schools don't make your current area sound all that amazing really. It sounds as if the two big things you're worried about are missing your friends and also missing the amenities of your city (which you currently don't use much anyway). How far away is the new area from your current one? Is it close enough for you to maintain these friendships and make regular trips to enjoy some of the attractions of the city?

You're very right.

The new area is a lot more mono-cultural, but I think it will be next to impossible to complete with our current location in terms of diversity. DH and I have basically said we will commit to making more effort in order to ensure our lives are still diversely rich as much as possible. We'll travel for experiences which are important to us for example, talk about a variety of holidays/celebrations, continue to try foods from other cultures and all the things we currently enjoy because it's right on our doorstep.

So far based on the people I've met noone seems that small minded, but I grew up in a mid-sized/market/farmer town so I do know all to well what it can be like. In this instance I still think the benefits outweigh the costs.

It's mainly the leaving of friends. I've moved around a lot in my life and it's never been an issue for me as a solo person. But there are people here I've known 20 years, and others who are newer but who have been with me during a hugely transitional period of becoming a mother, and DH becoming a dad of course. They are dear dear friends, and I know first hand how much easier it is to maintain a friendship when you bump into each other on a dog walk rather than having to schedule family calendars in order to travel to be in each others company. However I also know DH and I are often the instigators of gatherings, we're the hosts, we're very likely to make excellent new friends which as you so rightly say is a lovely positive.

Absolutely. Was trying to show how much it is THE right decision to move, all signs point to yes...except for leaving behind people who have become like family. We use the free amenities locally a lot, but can't afford to use all the restaurants, theatres, paid for events etc.

It's the weirdest thing to have all these very sensible reasons to go and yet still be sad/scared about it rather than just excited about the new possibilities. Maybe spending more time up there this summer will help, we've booked a week in each place to see if we can choose the winner. Otherwise it might just be waiting for the right house. Then the plan currently is to get our house on the market etc get the ball rolling before the applications for school places closes in January. The schools aren't over subscribed and we'd likely get a place even without having a permanent address there yet.

Forgot to add no...living anywhere within about 45 minutes of here means we'd need to save to cover the cost of moving in order to get a bigger house which would mean we couldn't do it before DC started school. We've decided to go where DH's job is largely based (even though his role is remote, he works for companies who are all in a particular area). There are lots of other benefits to the area too which helped us hone in on it. But it' about 4.5 hours from where we are now.

We're basically decided. I just wish I felt more cheerful about it.

OP, you're worried about leaving friends, but it sounds as though sooner or later they will leave you.

"Many local friends seem to be intending to leave the area before secondary..."

I was going to say lots of people do move, and may well move away from you if you stay.
And mixed emotions are a normal part of moving as this blog says blog.cort.com/moving/emotional-stages-of-moving/
Other blogs on similar topics are available

My head is all too aware of this and I keep reminding myself to make me feel better about the decision.

But yesterday during a BBQ my DS was sat on a swing with two others who he first met when he was just a few weeks old and the prospect of not seeing them all start school/grow up together made me so sad. It isn't logical, it's 100% emotional. The unquestionably logical choice is to move.

thanks thats a helpful link!