Hate my mum’s boyfriend.

[Pearlinda]

My dad died about 7 years ago very unexpectedly (hit by a car whilst cycling). The years that followed me and my sister have had 3 children and been so close to our mum. We’ve done so much as a big family with our husbands, kids and her. She’s now got a boyfriend who does seem to make her happy which I was initially delighted about. The more we’ve got to know him the more we’ve realised he’s really arrogant, boastful and elitist (everything our dad wasn’t). He has a home aboard and she’s spending a lot of time there so we barely see her. When she’s back she’s with him (and often his own adult kids). She never prioritises time with us at all anymore and is rarely available. She did host a birthday lunch for me recently but invited him and she is much quieter than normal when he’s around. He just waxes lyrical and is a real old bore.

we never see her on her own anymore. This is the really sad thing.

Reason for posting is wondering what to do. She is besotted, do we just ride it out and hope it ends or do we tell her we don’t want to always see him. He doesn’t do anything extreme…we just really dislike him and his manner.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

I relate to this. I do think though, given he's not unkind or abusive and seems to make your mum happy, you need to just ride it out. Voicing your dislike for him could cause further distance between you and your mum.

She's entitled to live her life how she wants. With my mum, I at least feel glad that I don't have to worry that she's lonely and I’m not under any pressure to fill a void in her life.

The one thing you could do though, is (without putting him down in any way) tell her that you'd enjoy some more one-on-one time because you miss it. Hopefully, she’ll be happy to make that happen.

Thanks @Nori10 that’s really measured advice and it’s nice that you get it. I will make that suggestion and see what happens.

I’d be honest op.
Tell your dm that you’ve noticed she’s very quiet when she’s with her bf and why is this.
Does she feel he’s somehow superior because as far as you and siblings are concerned dm is a smart and lovely person and should be proud to be a strong and independent woman within her relationship. Tell her she is just as entitled to voice her opinions as the bf.

In the nicest way give your dm space to consider the relationship without feeling disapproval from you.

My dm had some terrible relationships after my df left and admitted later what a knob one of her bf’s was. I think she would have extricated herself sooner if we’d been a bit more honest.

To add the knob head bf had an opinion on everything.
He said to dsis one day
‘Did you know that
and before he said another word she replied
No, but i feel sure you’re going to tell me.

We had a lot of fun at his expense tbf.

Thanks for your advice @Poolstream its certainly brought me and my sister closer together though our mutual dislike, so like you and your Dsis, that’s one benefit!

thanks again

It can be difficult. Mum had a bf who seemed to get steadily more irritating. They didn't live together but he spent a lot of time at hers.
They were together a few years & I was glad she had someone. But she did prioritise him over my sibling & I. We weren't keen on him & I eventually said I would only see her when he wasn't around.
He was rather selfish & she just couldn't see it at first.
She did eventually dump him.

Invite her to a girls day/lunch whatever you like and have it just you, your sister and Mum. That's what my sister and I used to do.
He even text during our lunch one time and asked when are you coming home. Food had just arrived, luckily I was driving, and Sis said, what's the rush, don't you want an hour with your own children? She did stay but you could tell she was on pins.
We also asked her to please not ruin the relationship we have, as he wasn't going to dump his kids for her. He's dead now and Mums back.

Just out of interest, does your mum do any childcare for you or your sister, @Pearlinda?

No, she used to do a day a week for my sister but both kids at school now. My little girl is in nursery 5 days.