Would you go with him?

[Puffinfoot]

DS2 has really struggled for the last few years, starting with lockdown which was terrible for an extreme introvert who was very happy to retreat to his room and never come out. Cutting a very long story short, he's had a series of traumas and failures, including the death of his father in traumatic circumstances.

He's now working, not the job anyone would hope for their DS, but he's getting up and out and working with people everyday, and there are signs that he's improving and starting to enjoy life a bit. He's 21.

I'm going on a UK holiday with friends, to do do somehting that he used to enjoy, when he enjoyed life, but he doesn't know any of the people very well. I suggested, in passing (because I never stop trying) that he might like to come, and much to my surprise he has said he would, actually seems excited about it.

He's planned an extention to the trip, where he would stay 3 more days, to do some more challenging elements of the activity we're doing, and get a train home. This is brilliant news. He's happy to go alone, has always, even as a child enjoyed doing things alone.

It involves being alone in some very remote spots, but he has the skills to deal with that safely. However, the itinary he's planned sounds fantastic, and I'd love to do it too.

So do I go with him and spend 3 days quality time me and him, or leave him to his independence? He says he's equally happy either way.

You are the only person who can answer that. Do you want to leave him or not ?

I think he'll be fine, although I'd obviously be worried until I heard he was safe.

I'm more thinking whether it's better, for his recovery, to have this quality time with him or to let him have his peace and independence.

How about have agreed check in times to call? Find your phone app may give you peace of mind too. Help him choose places to stay in advance...

Plus I'd actually quite like to do the trip!

He's organised all, I have no real concerns about his safety. I have had spells on suicide watch with him and hid the paracetamol etc, so perhaps him coming to deliberate harm would be the bigger risk, but I do genuinely think that period has passed. It doesn't stop you worrying, but he does need to be allowed to move on too.

Could you take a slightly different route and do some bits together and some seperate?

I'd go with him. Safety together and bonding experience.

I don't know. I'm not sure if going would be more for my benefit than his.

I’d go with him op.

Not necessarily with him continually for those three days but to be there at the beginning, end and say middle of each day, as a presence in the background.

Once that has gone ok, then he can travel
alone again.

Normally, in every other circumstance, I would say leave him alone, but there’s just something in your op that rings a few warning bells to me.

It’s apparent that you are very worried about his mh. You don’t have to expand here but you are obviously still very worried about him.

You say you have been on suicide watch in the past. If you have even an inkling of doubt in your mind, then I would err on the side of caution.

I could be totally wrong, and having experienced male suicide in our family, please note that I am unable to be objective on this subject. So I apologise if this thought causes you unnecessary distress.

But some young men who take their own lives, do cheer up at the prospect a few weeks beforehand. I don’t want to upset you unnecessarily op, and it could equally be that I am very wrong and your son is improving and is genuinely excited about his holiday, you will know that better than any of us here, but I think it’s prudent to tread carefully.

Although if he is happy for you to come either way that’s probably a good sign isn’t it?

If his mh is still a little fragile then I don’t see why you wouldn’t accompany him really?
Or are you worried that it would prevent him from gaining the confidence that three days alone would afford him?

Does he open up to you? Can he express how he is feeling?

It’s a hard one for anyone who doesn’t know your ds to decide tbh!

I hope you both have a great holiday and your ds continues to improve 💐

I'd go with him personally, just for your own peace of mind, especially if he's happy for you to tag along.

Thank you, no he doesn't open up and has steadfastly redused any counselling. His Dad didn't talk about things either and they are very alike (dad's death wasn't suicide btw).

I don't want to cramp his style. He planned to sleep in YHA dormitories, which again is quite a surprise for someone who prefers not to see people ever and it might be nice for him to donthat without his mum in tow.

Also the people were away with to begin with are very sociable and even I as an introvert who has developed (eventually) decent social skills will be finding it all a bit peopley by the end, and they're my friends.

I'm just torn whether it would be better to trust him to go and have a great time or to show him I love him enough to want to spend the time with him

Just for my peace of mind doesn't seem like a good reason though?

I think you need to try and talk to him op, and have as open a discussion as you can.

Tell him your fears.

He’s old enough to make a joint decision with you.

I know that’s easier said than done with a young adult who is very introverted. But surely it’s worth a shot?

Take him driving or go on a walk so you don’t have to communicate face to face.

I'd let him go alone. He needs to meet other people and have time on his own.

I'm sorry if this comes across as rude, but you think through all this I've never thought of trying to talk to him?

Leave him to it and how great that hes arranged all of this - You’ve done a good job there 😊

Prioritise his independence. After all he's gone through it sounds like doing this alone could be really significant for him and quite a confidence boost. You can bond over another activity.

I’d go too, love spending time with our adult kids.

Not at all. I meant you need to involve him in this specific decision.

Sorry op. I didn’t mean to upset you.

OP I just wanted to say what an incredible achievement for your DS to get to a point where he even feels this adventure seems possible for him. It sounds like you've been on a very, very difficult journey and this is a massive milestone, whatever happens.

Personally I think that him doing the trip alone would be a really significant opportunity for him to gain confidence in his coping skills. And if it goes well, a great next step could be to plan a similar trip you can do together.

But I totally understand your feelings. If you don't go, how nearby will you be if he finds himself struggling?

A really, really long way and a difficult drive (about 8 hours). I only agreed to go on the trip myself because someone offered me a lift - which is the reason we have the freedom to change the route home.

For 2 days he won't even be close to a road.

Maybe suggest another, similar activity together in a few months? He gets his independence this time, you get the quality together time next time?