Faffers!

[WhatsThisAllAbout]

Name changed, but regular poster!

I have an issue that's been bugging me, and have been meaning to ask about it here. I have written this post as thoughtfully and lovingly as I can, because the people involved are great (but annoying).

Faffing! Can you talk to me about it? Part of me genuinely wants to understand, and part of me wants to vent!

DH is a faffer. DD2 is a faffer. FIL was a champion faffer, and HIS sister was Queen of the Faffers. DD2 has a very slow processing speed (receives extra time for exams), and I'm fairly sure DH does too. I am sympathetic/ try to be patient with that. My mind boggles, however, at (a) what they are doing with all that TIME when we're actually trying to go somewhere, and (b) what purpose faffery serves. Does it increase organisation, reduce anxiety, help plan for all eventualities, or what?

Some examples... DD2 and FIL would use ten sentences to tell you something that could be communicated in one. You'd ask him how his day was, or what a TV programme/ talk was about, and he'd produce a notebook and recreate it for us in its entirety from the notes he'd made earlier. Five minutes after DH and I had got in the car to go anywhere (and running the engine), he'd come dashing out with no shoes on.

DH's late aunt was one of the loveliest, sweetest people I've ever known, but by God she was longwinded. We used to take turns between hosting her at ours, and visiting her. On the occasions when we visited her with the kids, she'd call us to the table to eat; we'd help as much as we could, but dinner was never quite ready. She'd pour drinks v e r y s l o w l y, then report on the progress of the dinner a few times. Once it was finally cooked, she'd usually decline assistance, but spend ten minutes putting all the serving dishes out on the table, then another 20 minutes serving up. In recent years, we knew to plan for a late lunch, and tried to enjoy the leisurely pace, but back when we had squirmy toddlers/ early primary school-aged children, getting them to sit nicely at the table for half an hour before being allowed to eat was excruciating at times (and they are well behaved!).

A few weeks ago, DH and I planned to leave the house early for a day at the seaside, and wanted to get a good parking space. I was ready to leave at the time he'd suggested, but he managed to spend another half an hour making coffee and doing 'things' to the SatNav before leaving the house... what things, I cannot say, because it's a trip we programmed in regularly, and in all honesty could probably do from memory really. Once in the car, he fiddled with it for another five minutes, for reasons I have yet to fathom.

This morning, we had decided that he'd drop me at work and then take the car for the day, to run some errands. I usually leave at 8, so I got myself semi-ready, woke him at 7.40 with a cup of tea, and went to pack my bag. The ONLY thing he needed to do was get dressed. At 8, he said, "Are you ready?" and I said yes. He then disappeared into the kitchen and then the bathroom for 13 minutes, while appearing to do nothing whatsoever. We finally got in the car, and he started fiddling with the CD player. "I can put that on for you," I suggested, but "No, it's OK," he replied, as he continued to fart about with it. It's lucky for him that I wasn't actually late for work, but it got me to thinking about this issue again!

If I ask him what he's actually DOING with the SatNav/ MP3 player/ CD/ cafetière, he gets mildly annoyed and says something like, "Trying to sort out this bloody thing!". I've learnt that holding my tongue and pretending to be patient tend to get me the results I want, with minimum moodiness and maximum speed.

DD2 also has OCD. She needs to leave the house at 8, so has worked out that she has to get up at 6, in order to get everything done to her liking. However, people like DH and his other relatives have always been late, because they don't see their longwindedness as a problem. This leads me to believe that there are two subtypes of faffers: organised faffers and disorganised faffers!

Apologies that I've now been longwinded myself. If anyone could shed any light, I'd be very grateful.

I'm married to a faffer.
I feel at times that my head will blow clean off my shoulders.

Likewise.

I have more patience with DD2 than the others, because she is a child and has a diagnosed learning difference. She's also self-aware and organised. The ones that have no comprehension of the effect of their faffing on other people tend to try my patience quite a lot. Hence, I really do want to understand what goes on inside their minds, and whether faffing actually serves some sort of purpose.

DH's nickname is Lord Faffer of Faffington.

How he's not under the patio is inexplicable. It serves no purpose other than testing the extreme patience limits of the faffer's partner.

Lord Faffer of Faffington! 😂

My DH's aunt should have been called Queen Faffer of Faffington Palace.

DS has ADHD and although DH is not diagnosed I am about a million % positive he has it too. Both of them on the inattentive side of it. I try sooooo hard to be patient and just let them unfold at their own pace but the amount of times I am mentally pulling myself back from standing in the hall and screaming JUST FUCKING GET ON WITH IT is beyond all reason

The levels of disorganisation are unreal. If DH is going to make some lunch, he’ll potter gently around the kitchen opening the fridge and random cupboards for a while. Then he might look up a recipe on his phone, but then see he’s missing a key ingredient so further opening and shutting his required before he decides on something straightforward like a chicken salad. He’ll spend around 15 minutes making the salad element, then once that’s all plated up he will look at the raw chicken and ONLY THEN will he think to turn the oven on. There is no multitasking and he is literally incapable of breaking a task down and doing the chunks in a logical, time efficient manner. I don’t shout or scream or swear at them (obviously) but occasionally I have to just take myself off and have a silent swear and a big sigh in another room.

If I ever try to chivvy him on he looks puzzled and hurt

I'm a faffer because I am neurodivergent and struggle with executive function and time management. I can't help it and it upsets me that I irritate people when I am trying my best. I just can't make my brain work differently and have my own little ways that help me but can be frustrating for others. I was diagnosed in my late 30s having first being diagnosed with OCD and Dyscalculia at 4...the ND was missed. My parents have never been diagnosed but it's now blindingly obvious one is Autistic with PDA and the other has ADHD...I can see it in Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents too and the youngest generation (5-18) almost all have diagnoses of ND.

With all due respect your DH, FIL and DD all seem to have some of the same issues...Neurodiversity runs in families. Your daughter has SEN and has been diagnosed with OCD which is often a co-morbidity with Autism or ADHD is massively under diagnosed in girls. NDs are usually passed down by a parent...you can see where I am going here...

He probably needs that sort of patience you give to DD too.

Ah crap. Reading this, I'm the faffer.
I do have ADHD though, as do the 2 faffy ones of my 3 children.

My husband's parents are world champion faffers and it drives me fucking insane. It is absolute fucking torture visiting them because everything, and I mean everything, is a drawn out ordeal that could have been handled/decided in 30 seconds. I could never, ever be married to a faffer. Thank god my husband didn't inherit it.

@Flangeosaurus oh yes with the cooking! He also gets sidetracked into going to the supermarket for a key ingredient halfway through.
@PerkyMintDeer DH clearly has slow processing too, but is completely unaware that he's a faffer. FIL and DAunt have both now died. Lovely people, highly intelligent, almost certainly ND. Also no concept of their longwindedness/ tardiness, although I know FIL really struggled to get any work completed at school. Looking back, I think he was probably autistic. DAunt very quick mentally, but just took an age to get anything done. I did work out long ago that there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed DD2 or DH up, even when they are making me late. Mentioning anything to DH tends to annoy him, so mostly I have no choice but to be patient.

Some people just faff. It doesn’t have to be a medical condition (but I agree it can be sometimes).
What annoys me are the people who get back in their car, having paid for fuel, and decide that’s a perfect time to have a faff whilst there are 2 cars behind them waiting to get to the pump!

Mentioning anything to DH tends to annoy him, so mostly I have no choice but to be patient.

Of course you have a choice. You can leave without him. Why allow him to make you late?

I ha a boss who was faffer drove me nuts. He drove a car with the letters FAF in it. Always made me and my colleagues chuckle

I thought about this ages ago, I know many faffers and I do think there’s a strong neurodiverse connection

In that case, would it help with the frustration to see it as a symptom of disability rather than "faffing"? If the "slowness" was due to a broken ankle it wouldn't be so rage inducing...this is a broken executive function.

If there's any chance that it's ADHD it might be worth DH seeking out diagnosis as he could try medication which would help with the "faffing". Even just knowing he has it or doesn't have it would be useful in terms of self awareness and learning to work with his brain rather than against it. Takes a while on the NHS but I went private and it was money well spent.

DD2 - slow processing, OCD, organised faffer, not a problem.
DH - no diagnosed issues; probable slow processing
DFIL - possibly autistic, but long dead so who knows?
DAunt - no discernible issues, just faffed.
All above average intelligence.

DD1 and I think fast, talk too fast, catch on before people have finished their sentence, and find watching instructional videos tortuous unless at double speed. No ND, but very quick, naturally impatient (which we need to, and do, rein in) and get things done as efficiently as we can. It's funny, because DD1 looks like DH and behaves like me; DD2 is the opposite. The two different thinking styles are most apparent when we're playing board games, even though we've eliminated anything with a timed element because DD2 can't manage those. We're split right down the middle in terms of thinking and learning style. Neither is better; they're just different!

No ADHD - we've looked into it, but it's not a good 'fit' for either of them.
DH does think carefully and deeply about things. I'm a 'doer'. We complement each other.

@Aquamarine1029 I wouldn't do that to my teenage daughter, so feel it would be mean to do it to my DH. I don't know why he has to play with the coffee maker or CD player, but presumably he does. If time had been REALLY tight this morning, I could have hopped on my bike instead, but my asthma has been playing up this week and I didn't really want to.

My son is sooo like this. He had a job interview this morning at 10.30 am, the interview was 18 miles away. I suggested he leave at 8am (overthinker here) because of the public transport being iffy. He got up at 6am,......h e finally left at 9am. Surprisingly he was only one minute late to the interview 🙄🤣

I never really understood what goes through a Faffers head until I had an acquaintance enter my social circle. She was forever late for everything even though she is single, lives alone and had her own car. One night we were waiting for her to turn up for a west end show we’d booked, 5minutes before the curtain went up she WhatsApp us to let us know she was still waiting in the queue to pay her respects to QE2 lying in state and probably wouldn’t be able to make the show.

When we saw her again she explained she’d been at a picnic with friends that afternoon and they decided afterwards to join the QE2queue and she didn’t think it’ll take that long and she’d also make it to the show. She had absolutely no concept of time lines, was completely impulsive and devoid of logical consequences. After knowing her for sometime I would say she was ND. She also said she had trouble holding down a job and was often let go within her probation period

I always seem to get behind a faffer at the top of escalators or at the entrance/exit of the supermarket , they suddenly stop dead at the most inappropriate place. Then they start checking their phone, looking for keys or start checking bags. Meanwhile, the rest of us are piling up behind them and falling over one another.

@Mycatsmudge I can now totally see how this would happen with someone with ADHD, poor impulse control or poor EF. Disorganisation seems to be a common factor with all of those.

I'm pretty sure my DH just thinks he's being thorough/ super-organised!

I'm a frustrated faffer, descended from generations of faffers, with faffy children both with dyslexia and one with other neurodiversities... there is a pattern...

It feels like communications break down between my rational mind and my subconcious. Fortunately I have a sense of urgency but my subconcious just doesn't engage into gear until that activates. It's like when Harry Potter has to catch the correct winged key and ignore all the others flapping around. And it's tiring to fight through all the time.

My brain doesn't like ploughing through transitions. With hindsight, it's why I was last to leave the classroom, last to join the dinner queue. When I started driving, it was before mobile phones got interesting. If I had time, I'd finish a song or two on the radio before getting out.

My flow of thought is interrupted easily by auto-piloting into the wrong room or seeing something I also need and distracting me from the original intention. DH wondered why DS had my headphones in his room yesterday... I looked and exclaimed "that's where I left my socks". Somehow they got abandoned when I opened his curtains and blinds to open the window. Then I had to get more socks later. I frequently lose things I'm holding because my brain ceases to register it's there.

Timekeeping is a delicate balance between allowing enough time to complete tasks and some contingency, but not being too generous, losing urgency and going off on lengthy tangents. Routine can help, but that's hard to establish, lots of curveballs and doesn't help with one-offs.

The end result is generally turning up in the nick of time in a frazzled state. Especially when herding cats ND children are in the equation.

DH pisses me off because he's just so bloody linear and efficient. The bastard just nails it with minimal effort while I've been in herding cats mode 4x longer and put a fuckton more effort in. Although his linear thinking also extends to not thinking about herding cats children unless directed.

Even just having a conversation or writing a post is like drawing a pentogram of diferent directions I could simultaneously go in and loop back on themselves. Or maybe a spirograph. Chatting with friends normally takes about 4 loops of tangents to get to the original intended thought. I collect ND friends...

I would like to put my hand up and say I do absolutely adore my DH and DS! I’m probably equally annoying to them because I’m extremely fast moving and efficient. This is a good thing though, because it means they can drop a lot of plates and I’ll catch them. I don’t worry that I’m the only person who will organise anything at all, I just do it. I cook nearly every meal, except once a week when DH has more time and can go at his own pace. It means I carry a big load but it works for us, DH is naturally waaaaay more patient and I think we complement each other pretty well. I don’t want any ND people thinking we’re all seething frustration! Just that sometimes you can run out of patience and I think that’s a reasonable response occasionally.

@BogRollBOGOF thank you! This is what I needed, and it's wonderful to hear a clear, detailed account from someone who is aware of their faffing and understands it. I am nice to my relatives, because I know they don't mean to take so long, and because I will do almost anything to avoid confrontations with anyone! Also, I know I do things that annoy my family too, e.g. retelling stories, never wanting to socialise outside of the home, interrupting (which I'm working on), blathering on about signs/ place names/ words, and there are other things, I'm sure! Sometimes (like the beach day), the way DH does things is pretty inconsequential. Sometimes (like today), it can impact me negatively. I'm really pleased to have started this conversation and received insightful answers.

@Flangeosaurus same here! I do more than DH, because I can. He is really good at weighing important decisions. He's also more patient than I am, which makes him a calm and understanding parent. This is especially important for DD2, because he does understand her. The frustrations in our house are exacerbated by the fact that DD1 and I are SO quick (and accurate with it), and I do think that frustrates them as much as they frustrate us at times. As you say, it can be a reasonable response at times.

A question for a faffer: if you are doing something in a way that it slow and awkward and frustrating to you, and someone who is naturally logical and efficient suggests you do it another way, how do you react? Because DH gets defensive and continues to do the stupid thing then argues with me. I don't say 'why are you doing it like that', I might say 'you know it might be easier if you do X'. But he still gets angry. I tend to bite my tongue these days for peace sake but I can't understand why he doesn't accept the help on offer. Sometimes it's like watching a slow car crash and I know he is going to drop something or burn himself or whatever and I just watch him do it but it really makes me mad. So we don't argue but I'm silently seething.