Would it be wrong not to tell ds father.

[Hoptoithopperty]

Ds has autism. In year 4 working at year 1 level. He has an ehcp.

I have learnt that DS may need to go to a sen school.

Me and his dad are not together. He sees them every other weekend .

Anyway when I shared a report about ds when he was on the autism pathway . His father got bordering on aggressive. Words such .they making him sound like a fucking spastic . There's fuck all wrong with him. And simlar.

So I stopped sharing with him. This weekend he's taking ds for an eye test. Because he thinks he can't read due to a problem with his eye sight. Which is not true. It's just an excuse not to accept ds has special needs.

Should I just keep quite and not tell him about the school situation?

It's going to kick off at some point, so I'd not tell him right now, I'd make sure everything's in place and people are aware (SENDCOs, DSLs, etc) that there's a risk to you/your DS when his father is informed.

Surely he'll find out at some point if he changes school?

As for the eye test... surely all children should have regular eye tests anyway?

He's not a risk to the kids .

It's not that he's going for an eye test it's the (reason)

To be honest he probably would even knlw it was a sen school. He doesn't pick him up or anything. Doesn't live local . But yeah he might find out at some point

Other than a risk in not permitting him to access assessment, diagnosis and appropriate education/support. In the long run, that is incredibly harmful - and what if he reacts badly to him not needing glasses? Is he going to say 'Oh, OK, you do have SEND' and apologise to you - or is he then going to decide that your DS is doing it deliberately, isn't paying attention or is pretending?

You're not saying there isn't a risk to you, either. Is he going to come after you in anger when it can't be denied anymore?

There's a risk he might try and disrupt the SEN pathway by harassing the school.
I'd say leave it for now. He's clearly an ableist twat who thinks nobody related to him is capable of being anything less than a cerebral genius. Presuming he thinks it must skip a generation.

Well unless he tells the optician to use the tests they use for children that can't read (ie not using letters) he's going to not be able to read anything on the eye charts.
So yes tell him.

He/ can't won't do that. He does not know how any of it works or when. He does not know secondary schools are looked at in year 5.

Ds already has an ehcp, and a diagnosis of autism so he can't stop that

He knows he has sen /autism. But denys it . So he's not going to tell the options regardless

Then what's your problem? There's no consequences to you not telling him apparently, as he lacks the intelligence or interest in his kid to find it out.

True. I think I Just feel a but guilty about keeping something quite big from him
But the other side feels like if he didn't react in a bad way I would nlt feel the need to keep it from him

If he was a decent father, if he wasn't aggressive you wouldn't be considering not telling him. If he was a good father he'd have been involved every step of the way, but he's not. The guilts because you are a decent person and feel keeping him informed is the right thing, which it normally would be. If he's anything like my ex, he probably made you feel responsible for everything including his reactions to things. It sounds like you're all better off with low contact and telling him the least he needs to know.

Im trying not to let those feelings of responsibility and guilt make me tell the kids father things anymore, because I always regret talking to him. He can always find a way to make a situation worse, he can always find something to blame me for or something nasty or cruel to say. Or just completely dismiss things that are so important to our DC and make me feel a couple inches tall. The price isn't worth it.
ed to hopefully make more sense

Well he will find out are some point
Obviously using abusive language isn't on but it sounds like he is in denial ,my son was diagnosed at three and has very complex needs, whilst I'm fully accepting of them now ( he's 14 ) it wss very difficult in the early days

Talk to you support system.

They will have seen this before and will probably be able to offer sound, legal advice that is best for your son.

I think if you want to tell him perhaps do it in the way of inviting him to an EHCP review so his attitude is witnessed by professionals.

If he knows about his autism/ special needs you can see it's because of this and to discuss best school choices

He is an every other weekend Dad. Nothing good can come from telling him. He may block your son getting the education he needs. So no I wouldn't tell him, as no good can come from it. Yes maybe he will find out at some point, but it would be better that he finds out once DS is settled in a school. He won't lose his place because Dad kicks off at a later date, but he may miss out on his place if Dad kicks off now.

Yes that exactly it. He's a fantastic Disney dad. But that's about it.

He thinks I done it so i could get DLA for ds. Which is not the case at all as it does not work like that at all.

But yeah its basically as you explained. I don't tell him anything because of his reaction to things.

I wouldn't tell him until your son is settled in the SEN school - many parents absolutely battle to get their children into a SEN school - your son is working 3 years below his age and has an EHCP, these are hard to obtain and indicate your son has significant needs.
I wouldn't do anything to risk his place at the SEN school. Does his father need to consent to the school move?
My daughter does receive DLA. It goes straight into a separate account and is used only for things related to her needs - private OT and other private therapies, and sensory clothes, sensory toys etc. I'd suggest if you think his support needs mean he would be entitled to DLA you apply for it and put it into a dedicated account for his needs, there are many extra costs involved in having a child with additional needs. Mine will only tolerate certain (expensive!) seam free socks, can't manage in group swimming lessons, lots of items ruined by chewing etc. DLA can help with these additional costs.

He already get DLA. He's not been offered a sen school yet . He's going into year 5 in September. But I know that we look at schools not long into September. And there will be a meeting with senco etc. To decide if he can manage in main stream secondary or if sen school is needed.