Improving 11 year olds memory

[OverEasyEgg]

DS is 11; in final couple of weeks of primary and heading to secondary in September. He is a bright lad, no additional needs that we are aware of, fairly academic with plenty of friends and generally well behaved too. Great.

His memory has never been fabulous, long-term memory is fine, no problem remembering people's names or academic facts or whatever. But short term memory is quite bad. I feel (but am open to being told that I am wrong) that he doesn't prioritise it, doesn't CHOOSE to remember things. So he might ask what's for dinner (or what we are doing today) and then ask again 10 mins later. If I tell him then there is a good chance he will ask again, and again. If I challenge him to stop and try to remember what I told him previously then sometimes he can. And sometimes not. He isn't generally frustrated by it the way that I am if I've forgotten something.

He is generally quite self sufficient but there are a lot of things I have to remind him about every single day. I've had some success with things like "everyday you need to do x, y and z before you can watch your iPad. If you ask for your iPad before you've done xyz then the answer will be no and you can't have it for the rest of the evening". Basically I'm after more strategies like this that might help him to improve his memory. That's obviously quite a negative one so today I tried more of a bribery approach: I told him a couple of things that he needed to do and then half an hour later said "ok you need to do those jobs now, if you can remember both of the things I told you to do I will give you a treat when they are done". He remembered one quite quickly but was struggling with the second - genuinely struggling because I know he really wanted the treat. He did remember though so I feel that's a win and will continue that strategy.

We've got 6 weeks off together over summer, lots of nice things planned but I also feel it's a great time to work on improving his memory before he starts secondary! So ideas and strategies welcome.

Sorry that was super long!!!

Before today have there been any consequences to him not remembering?

It sounds as if it's just not a priority for him to stop, listen, concentrate and remember as you always remind him.

Plus asking you questions is an easy way for him to get your attention.

You not reminding him so he missed out on a reward probably came as a shock.

Yeah I think this is fair, the only consequences have been me and DH being a bit irritated. We never punished him because it seemed to be out of his control - but I am coming to the realisation that this isn't the case and am keen to improve the situation!

How does he sleep? Is there a possibility that he isn't getting enough deep sleep? That can trash your short term memory / ability to retain information. Have a look at him when he's sleeping. If he stops breathing briefly / experiences apnoea he might need therapy to help him achieve deep sleep. It's worth checking.

He sleeps really well. Definitely not overtired. When in deep sleep he breathes VERY LOUDLY but never gasps or breath holds. My youngest had apnea so I know the signs. He is under ent for something unrelated (minor) and I have mentioned the breathing to them in the past but they aren't interested as no breath holds and doesn't wake in the night. Good idea though.

Sounds just like my DS14 who is has very poor working memory because of his dyslexia and dyspraxia. He's a bright kid, a voracious reader (spelling's a bit dodgy but no worse than many kids) and he has exceptional long term memory. In his case his dyslexia is related to poor working memory and slow processing speeds.

I have to ask him multiple times to do basic tasks, he can't remember five items on a list etc. He forgets where he's pur stuff less than a minute ago. He's not being lazy, he's trying his damned hardest, but his brain doesn't engage in that way, never has. Is it frustrating for me? Hell, yes. Is he doing it deliberately, absolutely not.

I'm not suggesting your DS is necessarily dys-anything or in need of a diagnosis but before you label him lazy and start punishing him for this behaviour please consider that he may genuinely have a problem with working memory and being doing his very best.

Yes it's certainly possible, I don't know how you could tell for sure? Certainly not dyslexia (excellent spelling, reading and writing from the very beginning) or dyscalcula (top of the class for maths and it's his favourite subject) but still possible there is something at play. Ultimately though I don't think he is 'trying his best' he's never really had to bother so I'm hoping to push him into doing so. I won't punish him if he is clearly attempting to improve and is unable to though!

A couple of suggestions.
Something fun - Darren Brown has written books about memory training with very specific techniques, might be worth a try.
The need for this is going to mushroom at high school. So I would think about some strategies to help him now. It doesn't sound like verbal reminders stick very well. Maybe something like a written checklist by the front door in the morning?
Get a print out of his timetable and stick it on the fridge so he can check for the books he will need in the morning.
High schools often use teams to distribute work - maybe have a reminder to check teams/apps for homework each night.
Will he have a phone? Set reminders for these key tasks on the phone.

I’d remain open to there being a diagnosis of some sort there. I’ve had terrible working memory all my life, and it’s only at 40 that I’ve been recommended to consider an ADHD diagnosis.

For me, the trick has been working out ways round it. So, for instance, I have a reminder on my phone that pings every Tuesday evening to take the bins out because I absolutely cannot remember “oh it’s Tuesday, bin day”. My phone calendar, alarms and notes are packed full of reminders! I write everything down, have always kept a notebook in my bag (though phone is taking over now) and live by lists. I’ve always had a big white board in my room for reminders - that got me through university assignments (every single piece of my secondary school homework was handed in late) and now general life admin.

I think at this age it's normal behavior but at this point I sat mine down and explained I would not be reminding them each day what they needed for school or running to the school with forgotten items. And they would have to take any punishment for thus given by school (I would also not do reminders for homework I would help if stuck but they needed to manage time to get it done)
I put a notice board in their bedrooms and when had timetable we wrote which days needed pe kit etc and I left them to it.
I also about this age stopped packing if we went away I would give them a packing deadline and say how many pants etc was needed, to begin with i would check then gradually stopped.
If they know you are there constantly reminding they won't remember this is a good age to start stepping back and letting them plan own day etc it's amazing how threat of detention will make them remember

You could flag your concerns with his new secondary school and ask them to assess his processing speeds. There is a bank of tests they can run that most schools have access to for exam access arrangements. That would tell you if his processing speeds are below threshold which may in turn flag up potential SEN. Many children mask quite successfully until secondary (and later!) when the wheels can come off a bit, so do keep it on your radar as a possibility.

DS has really poor working memory - I suspect dyspraxia or something else - family full such things but can't get him diagnosed - so focused on coping.

Instructions - keep list short and get him to repeat back to you.

Routine/preparation - so have thing ready night before and check everything - and have routines that take time to build. They all check timetables before they leave and after years of prompting run though mental check list of what they need to have done and do they have what they need for the day. Practise helps automate things so using up less working memory

Packing - they started young with me and lists moved on to lists and me checking them just lists then them doing own lists and packing by 12/13. Odd hiccup especailly with DS forgetting pj but he learnt.

Wall planner and diary and make sure as they get older they use them and phone reminders - what works well varies across our kids.

I've got all of the biker bags - girls dislike handbags - they can put keys, buys passes money inhalers - so always there are ready to pick up - works for DS.

I think working memory improves with age within kids - so should be some improvement.

I did notice improve with DS memory with dictation of sentences with spelling program we did - so maybe look at memory games - something fun - as I don't think there is huge amount of consensuses of what helps expand working memory.

I think he would enjoy the Darren Brown book and similar

I feel like we've already covered most of this; I've been slowly working on increasing his independence for years. So he is already responsible for his own school bags and making sure he has everything. He is responsible for making sure his homework is done (albeit we wrote a list together of what needs to be done when).

He cooks a meal for the family once a week, he is responsible for a pet, he puts away his own laundry etc.

Basically the independence is coming along nicely and remembering things that need to be done every single day is mostly ok - it's the shorter term things that he struggles with.

@tpmumtobe yes I could do that. I will work with him for the next couple of months before school starts in September and if i still have concerns then I will talk to them.

My youngest son goes to a specialist secondary school and his short term memory is shocking. The educational psychologist recommended doing a tray with things on and he has to remember what was on there..

The other struggle I have with my eldest, who is also autistic and has some learning challenges, is that his mind wanders and he’s not fully listening. So I always make sure that I do actually have his attention, make sure I say his name, or gently touch his shoulder and, if it’s something important, I get him to repeat what I’ve said.

Hope this is helpful.