Responsible for parents emotions - anyone else?

[Wentie]

Just looking for other stories or advice if anyone has been through this and how it’s affected them.

over the last few years I’ve come to realise how abnormal my childhood was. Dad was/ is abusive towards mum - mainly coercive control, emotionally but some
physically, and was to a lesser extent to us. We witnessed a lot of anger and lived on eggshells. Mum had no one else so confided in me/ relied on me for emotional support. As a child/ tween I’d be playing mediator, distracting dad to protect mum, have mum cry her eyes out to
me etc. I’ve always felt responsible for her as she had no one else.

I’ve had my own problems in the last few years and she’s let me down. I realise she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to emotionally support me, and that she’s never going to change. Dad’s behaviour is still ongoing.

I’ve googled ‘parentification’ and this is me - it’s affected me into adulthood. I’m a perfectionist, have no boundaries , put my needs last and am incapable of having fun or relaxing.

im going to have counselling. Anyone else have any stories to share? I’m very angry at my mother but it’s confusing as she is also a victim.

@Wentie i can relate to a lot of what you have written. I’m sorry this was your childhood. My childhood involved a lot of physical and emotional abuse and neglect, however, it took my therapist to spell this out for me as abuse to being to compare it. What I’m saying is I normalised the parentification, the emotional abuse and neglect and the physical abuse too, I simply didn’t understand that that was classified as abuse. My mother was always “difficult” and my father was emotionally unavailable, both were violent but because this was all I knew I never thought of it as anything more. It was only when my anxiety was getting worse and I looked at my own kids it started to dawn on me that I needed to speak to someone. What ensued was life changing, and life saving, for me. I was forced to confront my reality (in a kind way) and then my life started to improve. So, I would highly recommend therapy, pick a therapist who understands narcissism and have a read of the stately homes thread here, in relationships, you will find some many people with similar family backgrounds. There’s so much support for dealing with these issues. It’s not your fault you were treated in the way you were, you had the right to not experience coercive control, physical and emotional abuse.

@junebugalice thank you for your advice. Im
sorey to hear that’s what you’ve been through. Even reading your reply, my first instinct is to then minimise my own experiences and say “they weren’t as bad”.

can I ask what type of therapy you did with your therapist or the specifics of what helped? I’ve had a few general sessions with different people and haven’t found much helpful. I struggle to find anyone that can provide more than a listening ear and actually give insight

@Wentie the only therapy I did was talking therapy really. My therapist provided a safe space for me to talk about my childhood and to acknowledge that I experienced abuse and that it was very wrong. I also did some CBT with her too but it didn’t really help. I don’t believe CBT is any good when dealing with trauma. What really helped was my therapist explained my role in the family system, and that of my sister (golden child) and how these labels affected my whole life. She also gave me great coping skills when dealing with the overwhelming feelings that go with this level of self reflection. She was a kind mother figure type person who boosted my confidence and showed me that I am the only one in charge of my life etc. The term C-PTSD was mentioned, but not diagnosed, and I think I have this so I would be interested in EMDR treatment at some stage. They say it can take meeting a number of therapists before you meet the right one for you so don’t give up.
Dont compare your trauma or pain with anyone else’s, your pain is valid. For such a long time I thought that too though, that other people have it worse.