Children’s friendships in primary school

[Globetrote]

Have you ever been disappointed with who your child is friends with? Do friendships change in y5-6? DS(9) had a lovely group of friends up to the end of y3 that he’d had since Reception, then he suddenly left them and started playing with one girl only for the first time.

She got very possessive of him quite quickly and stopped him playing with others, the school noticed this and they separated them for y4 classes. Ever since though his friendships have drifted and he seems to dip in and out of various groups, but mostly plays with another different girl and boy.

Thing is that I don’t like either child for various reasons - rude behaviour to me several times at pick-up from the boy, rude and mean to DS during school but then friendly again all the time, both are well-known for being disruptive in class, the girl steals according to DS and constantly asks him to give her his things ie money, she is slightly possessive over DS, she goads a boy with SEN in their class who then lashes out so there is frequent fights with her and him, there is a 2-day school trip coming up next week and the girl isn’t going but is telling DS almost daily to tell his parents to cancel it so he can stay at school with her (he says no, I want to go).

I could go on and on but these are just some examples.

I’ve heard that friendships change a lot in y5 & y6 - have people found this? I don’t know why DS, who was described in his end of y3 school report as “well-liked and respected” by his peers dumped his lovely friends and started hanging around with the more poorly behaved children.

The sad thing is that the summer holidays are looming and he will have no one to meet up with for play dates (his old friends are not interested now). I just feel sad for him, and conversations about playing with lots of different kids are just ignored. It is a 3-form entry school so large year group. He does several activities but doesn’t have any particular friends in them.

I’ve heard that friendships can start changing around year 5 but we haven’t experienced that yet. I wouldn’t say too much to your DS as it can sometime just drive them to stick with the kids we aren’t keen on.

I’d be clear about what is unacceptable behaviour if the subject comes up or he’s telling you about an incident, but don’t keep on at him or you could drive him to spend more time with them. Perhaps contact the mums of one of the old friends and see if their DC would like to meet in the park etc for a play date?

This happened to us. I was literally distraught at the friendship. Might sound like an over exaggeration but it felt like I’d fast forwarded 10 years and my daughter was in an abusive relationship with a man.

I was lucky that school recognised it too. Split them up in secondary school. Best thing and worst thing that happened. She found new friends and old friend proceeded to stalk my DD, threaten suicide if she didn’t hang around with her.

I talked to my daughter in depth about boundaries and what was healthy in a relationship.

I felt and still feel incredibly sad for that girl. She eventually got excluded from school for skipping class and hanging outside of my daughter’s classroom. Waiting for her!

I would suggest that you flag it to school asap. Then atleast they can keep an eye for any red flags. Our school were brilliant.

That’s a really sad story. Is there anything that happened that you can pinpoint for him to drift away from his other friends?

Yes, I wish my DS wasn’t friends with one in particular school friend. They’re a terrible match and I should’ve listened to teachers’ suggestions that they be separated in reception. The friend has gotten worse with age and now age 9, going into Y5, is worse than ever. DS often comes home saying friend has hurt him, said unkind things, but then as soon as the friend is nice all is forgiven. My DS is ND and so prefers to just play with a small number of children, so it wouldn’t be such an issue if he was more willing to mix. DS is slowly liking the friend less, I think, but it doesn’t stop him playing with just him some days.

I can’t imagine friendships will change for my DS in the next couple of years so I’m waiting for him to have a clean slate friendship wise in secondary. He does have some nice friends at the moment, thankfully.

Not disappointed, in that there’s actually not a child in my DC’s class I don’t like, but their friendships definitely changed towards the end of y5. Not big fall outs or anything, but they developed some new interests and gravitated towards other children who had similar interests. Interestingly, having only had same sex friendships, they suddenly had loads of opposite sex friends - which led to some ridiculous comments from others about “boyfriends/girlfriends” but was in fact completely innocent (they were 10!) and actually a really good influence on both sides.

You can’t really predict these things. Nor can you really manage them. But I would be speaking to the school about separating him from children who are pestering him for his stuff and trying to discourage him from going on school trips.

There will be a reason that your child stopped playing with his friends. Whatever this was he found a new friend from whom he was separated by the school, that is a strange thing to happen and undermines both children in their ability to make and keep friends. Having been cut off from his long term friends (you can’t make them like him if they have decided not to be his friend) he is left alone. He makes two more friends whom you deem unsuitable. They may or may not be good for him but if you separate him from them there is a chance he will not have confidence to make new friends.
it is tough being a parent, I empathise with you. I think if you encourage him by being positive and reinforcing his own good behaviour he will settle into a group of friends who match his own personality. He seems a bit old for play dates but could you perhaps take him and one of his new friends to a zip line or something fun and then another day (once the kids have heard what fun they had) go again and invite a child from his old group? It could be that there is a child that is controlling the old group and excluding him, individually the kids may still get on.
Good luck to you both

Can you arrange some play dates with their old friends? At 9 years I'd say parents are still involved in arranging play dates. I arrange them often for my 9yr old DD

Or as poster says above invite an old friend to do an activity with your DS, cinema or bowling or something

friend proceeded to stalk my DD, threaten suicide if she didn’t hang around with her. - this happened with one of my (now adult) children at around age 15. It was not easy at all and needed some careful handling. Peers are very influential.

I dont know op. Personally i think friendships can change y2/3 and it can be a sign your dc has sen.

What seems to happen to my dc is ok in big groups till y2 or y3 then it becomes obvious they havent fitted into the smaller groups that have formed of 2-3 kids etc.
I think where im not keen on playdates doesnt help. But part of thst is due to my kids sen i think as

They find school exhausting,
keep their rooms a mess
fight with each other relentlessly.
so we cant offer lifts to other kids etc

sen kids do seem to find each other so perhaps your dc feels he fits better with the new friends.

Also i think im against schools splitting friendships up across classes intentionally as this negatively affects the shy or sen kids

overall i think most kids here now have friends picked and maintained by parents. They dont even necessarily prefer these kids. Just who their parent is friends with or with the older siblings so all kids can be together. So kids arent really learning to make friends. Then some of the kids get upset when schools think they are too close friends and decide to split them.

Yes it was about Y5 that DD realised she didn't want to act cool, and talk about skincare, hairstyles etc. Y6 was tough in this respect but the minute she hit high school, she found her tribe of slightly nerdy music-loving pals and its been smooth ever since.

Everything happens for a reason. Childhood friendships are building blocks to learn about relationships with others. It's rare for them to last a long time as each year the kids change so much.
In secondary there will be a whole huge new pool of friends. I don't think you need to worry. Your kid is learning to make choices about who he wants to be close to, or not, and it takes quite a long time.