Dd deliberately failing at school

[frustrationahoy]

My youngest dd is in year 10 and just finished her end of year exams. She's a bright cookie and has consistently been on track for 7/8/9s olin her GCSEs. Parents evenings had always been the teachers singing her praises, her work ethic and her ability to work to the best of her ability. A joy to have in the classroom etc etc

However she seems to have given up. Her marks from these set of exams are sitting around the 4/5 point and she's managed to fail at least 2. Her response is that's she bored and what's the point? Her subjects are too easy and she can't be bothered. Apparently she told her chemistry teacher that she couldn't be bothered in the exam - she got a 3. She told another teacher that she was burnt out and done with school.

I've tried talking to her and all I get from her is "so what, it's my life and if I fuck it up then that's my problem" her choice apparently and nobody else's business.

She told me quite matter of factly that she was planning on not doing well in these exams so she can stick 2 fingers up at her teachers when she does well in the real things - that's all well and good but her school moves students around depending on how they have done and there's a real danger she will be dropped sets in maths and English and may even be dropped from triple science to double in September.

I can't seem to get through to her - any time I try to talk to her it's met with a shrug and a don't know.

This attitude has been going on for most of year 10 and getting progressively worse. I've tried talking to her, love bombing her, laying down the law, taking my lead from her but nothing is working and I'm at the stage I just want to give her a bloody good shake just to get a reaction!

I don't know where this is coming from, there's not been any changes in friendship groups, no boys on the scene - she goes to school and comes home again, does her sports after school and her part time job at the weekends.

Shes had several detentions already this year for not completing homework and again when asked she tells me she couldn't be bothered.

I'm at a loss of what to do,

I would back off with going on about how important they are. Let her have a rest over summer, come September, Focus on helping her decide what to do after gcses and look and the requirements for that. If she gets moved down a set, it's not the end of the world. If teachers want her to do the lower paper for any subjects let her decide what's important. My DD could have done the higher science paper but didn't have any interest in doing science later. She took the lower one and got a C. Perfectly adequate.

My child has just done his GCSEs. In my area, more than likely all areas, the colleges and 6th forms offer conditional places based on the year 10 summer mocks results, conditional places are offered here in the Dec-Feb before the GCSEs. So your child is really just sticking 2 fingers up to herself. My child knows kids who haven't got any conditional places for the colleges they want. It's not just the final GCSE results that colleges look at. If she waits for results day it's likely she won't get a good placement because offers to people with conditional offers get priority.

What’s she doing when she passes them for her 6th form/ y12/13 years?

My daughter is in Y10 and I think they are just tired now. There has been so much mock prep over the last couple months then the exams. I’m hoping mine can relax this holiday and go in to Sept with a clear head.

They can re take maths and English in college if necessary alongside whatever course they choose and there are many pathways to help
them achieve what they want, even if it means they stay there for 3 years.

My son wasn’t at all academic but he’s now a qualified chef and doing well.

She told me quite matter of factly that she was planning on not doing well in these exams so she can stick 2 fingers up at her teachers when she does well in the real things

That makes me sad tbh. Teachers work bloody hard and, from the sounds of it, your daughter is not receptive to their hard work and is making their lives more difficult by not going her homework and giving her best in class because she has got herself into this state. You need to tell her teachers on results day won’t be thinking “wow, way to go kid, we were all wrong about you” they’ll just still be wishing her well but thinking shame she couldn’t have done it without a positive attitude and racking up a load of detentions along the way.

Where I live there’s competition for college and sixth form places which means most kids with this mindset sort themselves out early in year 11 when they realise they might not get the grades to go to their college of choice. If it’s similar in your area then you might find that does the trick come the autumn term.

Was Chemistry(etc) her choice or did you point her in that direction because you have a plan for her? Perhaps she has realised it won’t make her happy and she’d really rather be doing something else.
I think you have to let her get on with it, then be there for her, when the realisation that it wasn’t a great idea to do that, kicks in and help her to get her life back on track. Getting to uni is not the only way of progressing through life . Don’t pressurise and don’t say “I told you so!” Let her find her own way. She is right - it IS her life…. You are there to guide/ advise, not make her choices.( As much as that is really difficult, sometimes.)

Bribery. Cold hard cash. Depending on how much you have available, £1 per grade over a 3.

Say she is taking 10 GCSEs 10 grade 9s would get her £90, 10 grade 4s £40.

What does she plan to do after school? And I mean her plan, not what everyone expects her to do.

Back in the day I was dropped down a few sets for English. I think the head of English wanted to humiliate me, instead I had a year of very easy lessons.(moved from O Level group to CSE) it gave me a chance to relax and I loved the class and the teacher.

If she wants to stick two fingers up to teachers are they saying something to upset her??
They seem to be the target of her ire.
I would get to the bottom of this.
Try and put teachers into context. There is a book I think or at least an article about negative things written by teachers to now famous people.

Sorry, i dont really have any advice. Your dd is clearly a bright girl. Is there a possibility she could just be feeling a little burnt out but? She has a lot going on with her studies, sports clubs and a p/t job? It's a lot of balls to juggle at that age along with keeping up with her friends etc. Hopefully the 6 weeks will give her a much needed reset and she cracks on in year 11.
My ds is about to start year 10 but I do worry that the amount of pressure put on kids to perform these days may have a negative impact on his mental health.

If it makes you feel any better, during Y10 I also refused to do any homework that wasn’t GCSE coursework; hated most of what I was studying, was definitely bored although academically able. I was fortunate that we only did the exams at end of y11 (not these linear ones they do now) and pretty much got away with cramming in study leave and walked out with very respectable GCSEs. I then went on to A level having no idea what I wanted to do, and failed those spectacularly, but fast forwards and I now have a degree and am a teacher 😂 but I stick to teaching adults (I remember what I was like as a teen, class full of them, no thanks!) I think at that age, combination of expectations, hormones etc. and it can all get too much very easily. I would say try just letting your daughter know you’re there for her, that you support her, and make sure she has a lot of down time over the summer because Y11 will be over very quickly.

As a teacher, I’ve never understood why some pupils see it as ‘sticking two fingers up’ at us if they do well in life. We want them to do well?!

Your DD is probably exhausted after this school year and needs a good rest over summer before she gets back to it. Wishing her the best of luck in her exams! If she’s bright, she’ll come round herself and you sound like a very caring mum x

What does she want to do long term? Try exploring what she wants to do and what she needs to get there. Maybe visit a local uni( doesn’t need to be an open day )

This ^ She sounds a bright student that maybe needs some educational coaching from the Able and more Able Students lead teacher.

I assumed Kumon maths was boring but I don't know why. What did she find interesting about it? Would you / she recommend it for a kid who is capable but disinterested or a kid who is doing well and needs stretching? I have one of each under my roof!

To keep DD motivated I take her to 'grown up' events where she gets lots of exposure to the next steps, Royal institute or local uni evening lectures open to all, visit uni grounds that have facilities open to the public etc so that she can clearly see the next steps and why she needs to do well at the stage she's at. It's very common for teens to become lethargic and disengaged, outreach programmes and events are essential to keep the motivation up and many can be accessed as a family rather than through school.

All my 4 have done kumon maths. Dd2 was so bored with maths and she was able to push ahead and find topics she found interesting- and could see where the school maths was leading - she did engineering at Cambridge. She was becoming quite naughty at school and disruptive beforehand.
Dd1 started after dd2 as I felt she needed to be more precise and careful in her work. She often made silly mistakes. She is now a gynaecologist.
Ds is autistic and was basically unintelligible until he had intensive speech therapy but I had noticed he enjoyed numbers. He is 10 years younger than dd2. I started him with kumon to improve his confidence and help him shine. He loved it!
Dd3 told me when she was 5 that she hated maths and it was obvious she wasn't getting it so she started kumon. She is going into sixth form next year and will be studying higher level maths IB. She loved being ahead of everyone in Maths and got 120 in her year 6 SATs.
So in conclusion it can help both types. They start at an easy level and find their own level.

Ok to answer some questions - dd has no idea what she wants to do, not even what a levels. She is doing the GCSEs she wanted to do - originally she wanted to do 15 (yes she is usually and over achiever) so we have to have a meeting at school to try and cut her chooses down. She then asked to do 2 GCSEs outside of school but we did no as she has enough on her plate!

She's currently doing triple science, art, drama, English lang and lit, German, Spanish, maths and history - all her choices. She had to apply to do triple science as it's not a given at her school.

Her after school sports are school clubs, she did ask to join the local hockey club as well but that was 2 nights a week training and again we thought it would be too much.

She my 4th dc to go through GCSE - first was a grafter who passed everything with 6's and has just finished college and is now working.

Dc no2 did better than expected but worked her socks off and dc3 failed all but 2 but managed to get a foundation place at college in his chosen field ( he has ADHD) so his results weren't a huge surprise.

We have always asked the dc to work to the best of their ability and have celebrated work done well - I struggle with dd as she's just not trying!

I've kept discussions very calm and let her express her self but all I get is don't know /don't care.

I shall back off for the summer and hopefully after a rest she will get back into it in September.

I have considered contacting her teachers but quite honestly I feel that will kill any remnants of any relationship I have with dd as she will see it as me going behind her back.

I would focus on maybe trying to show her different life paths- people she might look up to in different careers? Thinking about role models/ mentors? Help her find her “why”

You should push her into getting a Saturday job that will teach her life skills. Then she will realise what her future could look like if she doesn't work hard.

Isn’t she doing too much? Can’t she drop one or two of them? Sounds like she’s totally overwhelmed. Talk to her and find out.

Most teachers will not be there. Most will be away on holiday.

Dd3 got her results last August and most of her teachers were there.

Tell her she has to pass her English and maths otherwise she will be resitting them forever.
The rest try to back off.
Ask her her plans post 16. She will work it out.

Well stopping her doing “too much” hasn’t worked. Could not doing anything at all be a kick back against you not letting her take on more?

she’s year 10- have you thought about letting her take on the additional GCSE’s/clubs- she has time to drop things if she can’t keep up.

2 nights a week hockey isn’t much 🤷‍♀️

as a last resort I’d think about online school or even changing school. If it’s a two fingers at the teachers issue then that may help, especially if she’s as self motivated as it sounds. Then she can still stick two fingers up by showing them she can pass without them.