Missing a teenager who lives with you?!

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

Our oldest child is 13, nearly 14. She's a good girl, well behaved, has a solid group of friends, does well at school, works hard at a sport she loves etc.

But she has no interest in the rest of the family really, and given the choice would stay in her room until it was time to eat, or get a lift to her sport, or go to school (which she tolerates).

There is no real levity, or affection when she speaks to us, we are tolerated and at times, she can be quite rude in her disregard.

I know that teens can be selfish in their outlook, and I also know that I too could find it hard to be 'light' around my family growing up. I don't want to be on at her all the time, and I know that if we tried to force more of a relationship with her it would have the opposite effect. So I want to keep doing things for her and being there for her, but find it hard to know where the line is in terms of pulling her up on her disinterest. She's not going to want to hang out with us if we are picking her up on every little thing!

But I miss her so much! I miss being one of her favourite people, reading to her at night and getting a kiss goodnight, lots of chat and cuddles. I know she may come back around to liking us a bit more, but that little person is gone. She was always independent in many ways, but this is a whole new ball game. I feel bereft!

She'll come back to you when the hormones settle. I remember at that age I would rather chop my fingers off than engage with my parents. And being seen out in public with them? No chance!!

Don't force it but instead offer up interactions

Want to watch a tv programme?
Fancy a hot chocolate?
Want some pizza in front of a film?

Basically try and tap into something she likes

The above has meant I'm close to my now 17 year old son but alas, it involves me watching football goals on TikTok, playing football in the garage with him and watching horror films - all of which i do not like but willingly do as that's the deal!

We also go for lunch and - bizarrely - watch Long Lost family together - but all of this is when he doesn't have a better option!

It's very normal but I would keep offering fun stuff up and see where that lands

It's a tough age. From her point of view she is trying to navigate that awful in between phase, where you aren't a young child any more, but certainly aren't an adult. I think they separate themselves so that they can become independent and work out who they are. Can you do regular one on one days where you can rebond - shopping, lunch out, that sort of thing?

She will come back, it's hard. I would def try and watching a tv programme either her after tea, make it clear she can go chill in room after. It can be anything she'll go with, we like comedy like taskmaster, or drama like traitors but even if it's something dire like love Island at least you will have something in common. It's easier to talk when not intense and concentrating on something else

Op its not easy. My eldest son was quite distant for a few years. Now nearly 19 , but has started spending more time with me. Usually cos he hears me laughing at something on the TV and he comes downstairs to see what it is. It does get easier eventually x sending hugs 🫂 💐 we have also developed a love of cooking. He has asked me for cooking lessons for when he leaves home. He cooks and I help from the sidelines lol

It's sad isn't it. My quality time with DS is now reduced to lifts in the car. I think the worst thing you can do is force it, hopefully it'll pass.

This. Work on finding things they like that you can do with them. One of mine loves going out for lunch so we do that sometimes. The other loves films so we watch something they want to watch. I also encourage them to do things together - do you have other children too? Sometimes a Costa voucher to go out for a drink together.

My twins are at this stage and it is really hard. When I look back I wished the days away and now I wish I hadn't. I miss them.

This was me. My mum says they didn't see me between the ages of 13 and 18, I was in the house but in a different room. Looking back I can see that is true, I only came down to eat, watch TV, and use the phone - and they don't even need to come down to watch TV or use the phone now! I had no interest in what my sisters or parents were doing at any given moment, not in a horrible way, I just didn't think about it.

However when I went to university even though I was still "in my room" I missed the family being downstairs, the sounds of them moving around, eating, etc. It was never that I didn't want to be with them or didn't like them It didn't feel to me like I was being withdrawn or rude. I still loved them, I still felt and wanted to be part of the family, and I noticed that when it was gone. I am sure it is the same with your DD.

Unless there is absolute rudeness, rather than a lack of interest, I personally wouldn't pull her up at all.

I feel the same, I’ve been watching lots of the euros with DS14 😂. We also watch a few TV shows together. He also wanted an air fryer so we’ve been experimenting with that and also doing some general cooking of things he’s interested in, mostly different variations on burgers though! I’ve just been trying to find things he likes and go with it.

In some ways we still get on well, we drive around a lot for her sport and sometimes she'll chat, she suggested I got Snapchat so I could see the filters and we have a 'streak' at her suggestion so we 'bond' over that. I deliberately make myself try out the silly filters to make her laugh.

She's a lovely girl and we are so proud of her, I just miss her. I know she's doing her best at growing into a great little adult, so just have to trust the process I guess and keep showing her that.

I agree with everyone else.

It is a phase.
She's doing fine.

Think about all the positives you've told us about her and keep offering (with no pressure) the things like stopping off for lunch on the way back from her sport and so forth.

What does she enjoy doing?
Occasionally DD will say "can we go for a drive?" So we get in the car, drive along with the music up really loud and scream sing- then we will chat, and inevitably stop at a shop for snacks.

I always get a blow by blow account of dds day- sometimes I think I've been there as shes talked at me for so long- I always show an interest and ask questions, ask how her friends are. Then she asks me about my day.

Sometimes we just sit on the sofa together and doom scroll tiktok, showing each other videos- cos I think if that's all your going to do on your own in your bedroom, you might as well do it in company on the sofa.