How to be more zen and let things go?

[flossyragdoll]

Outwardly I'm a calm person, but inwardly I often end up raging for days at things that I don't think would bother other people so much.

As an example, I was recently having blood taken, and the nurse was finding it hard to hit a vein. It was taking ages and it was starting to get really painful.

She asked if I was doing ok and I said yes, painful but ok. She said 'Ah, you must have had a charmed life if you think this is painful! Wait until you've given birth, then you'll know what pain is'.

This annoyed me. I wasn't comparing it to childbirth in the first place, nor have I had a charmed life. I'm a woman in my mid-thirties. I know what pain is. As does a child of ten, or in fact of any age.

I said something vaguely along the lines of 'I haven't had a charmed life and I know what pain is' and she gave me a 'whatever you say' look and started talking about something else, all the while continuing to miss the vein. I wanted to jab her in the eye with her own needle.

So, ok. Someone made a comment that I found dismissive and patronising. But why, ten days later, am I still grinding my teeth about it whenever it pops into my head? I know I ruminate about things, and I presume this is what's happening here, but I'd like to get to a place where someone can say something rude or offensive to me and it just flow in one ear and out the other, leaving no trace of rage or frustration behind. This is what I mean by 'zen'. I feel like life would be so much more pleasant if things didn't a) wind me up so much in the first place and b) hang around in my head like a bad smell for weeks afterwards.

Has anyone had genuine success with learning to let things go? If so, can you please share some of your wisdom!?

MArk Manson wrote the book " the subtle art of not giving a fuck" markmanson.net/books/subtle-art

He also posts on Instagram etc, sometimes his advice hits the spot!

I am the same as you @flossyragdoll so am here awaiting pearls of wisdom.

I have a work colleague who specialises in these sort of snide and judgemental comments almost daily (that's a whole other thread) and sometimes family as well. It's so irritating to get 'stuck' on what someone has said.

Enlightened ones, please lend your assistance!

I think you come to a point in life when you just sit back and think actually, nothing is “that deep”. For a lot of people it is when something bad happens, or something big happens, and they just realise that actually it’s best to save the stress for when it really matters.

Someone also said to me years ago now, if you had £1440 in your pocket and you lost £1 of it, would you just throw away the other £1439 because you lost £1, or would you keep the other £1439 and spend it as you see fit? I can’t imagine anybody would choose to throw away the other £1439, there are 1440 minutes in a day, it’s not worth ruining your whole day stressing and irritating yourself over a 1 minute interaction x

I would have also had the urge to turn her needle upon her!

Good god. Talk about bedside manner whilst doing a crummy job (and yes I now some people have tricky veins, I am one of them, but don't blame your patient)

Assuming you don’t have ADHD (both these theming are common symptoms). There’s a number of things to think about.

1. are you unconsciously near the edge all the time, under a lot of pressure - if so even the smallest thing can tip you over edge . If so address that first
2. Daily breathing practices can help can your parasympathetic nervous system make sure you breathe out for slightly longer than you breathe in - do some conscious exhales throughout the day
3. Daily relaxation exercises- every morning lie down, tense all your muscles one by one and the let go.
4. Do yin yoga 3x per week -your body holds a lot of unconscious tension that can take you quite far up the fight/flight/freeze ladder as a base
5. Get into nature as often as you can -do some breathing exercises near trees. Imagine the circle of breath between you and the tree
6. consciously think about things from others perspectives.
7. practice discursive meditation several times a week
8. take up a spiritual practice - if your western find a western esoteric practice -it puts things into perspective

Just some things for starters

I just ordered the whole set ☺️ I need to learn not to give a fuck!!

@Devonbabs both of what are symptoms of ADHD? Ruminating and ?

I do suspect I have it. Did the WHO questionnaire and they said anything above a 4 was cause to investigate. I was a 6.

Be careful of losing this completely.

I’ve gone in the opposite direction to the extreme in my 30s and now don’t give a fuck about anything, even things I really should be giving a fuck about.

Yes, I’m more zen, but I’m sure I’m pissing off some people who are important to me - something that may come back and bite me in the bottom later in life.

Whenever I can't let go of something similar, I am always starting a formal complaint process - checking out the contacts where do I turn ro, drafting it up, etc. Usually halfway through I am absolutely astonished at how petty I am, and then leave it. Somehow it helps. :)

Overreacting and then not letting go of issues/replaying arguments over and over - I still replay arguments over I had in primary school (I’m 48😂)

All those I suggested things help with some of the symptoms of adhd as well.

https://www.adhdcentre.co.uk/adhd-coaching-explaining-overly-intense-emotions/

https://attncenter.nyc/10-tips-to-manage-ruminating-thoughts-that-come-with-adhd/

OP you might find these links helpful

I have to let things go too, your post made me smile although it's not really funny!
I was at the bar recently buying myself a drink. Someone I really dislike sidled up to me and I asked them if they wanted a drink. They said yes and I know perfectly well this scrounger won't ever buy me one back. Well, I seethed about that for three days even more so knowing it was my own, stupid, polite fault!!!

I am just like this. I still think about things both done to me and things I think I did wrong from years ago.
I rarely if ever am able to give the response I would want to give if somebody speaks to me rudely/ dismissively etc. I tend to just freeze and then later mentally beat myself up for not having the right come back ready.
My psychiatrist says this might be part of my autism because many autistic people (not all) have an excellent memory and struggle to forget things even if they want to. I think this might be true for me as I can recall situations in great visual and aural detail. This can be useful of course but when it comes to rumination (or as I tend to think of it my post mortems) it is a bugger.
I think you did well to say what you did.

this will sound counterproductive but more firmly establishing boundaries helped me be more 'zen'. so in this case, no one should attempt to take blood from you if they have already failed twice. you can ask for someone else to try. it's not normal to have multiple attempts unless you have very difficult veins for one reason or another. also she was inappropriately dismissive and patronising. I have very difficult veins and have learnt to put my foot down and ask for a more senior member of staff when needed.

the other thing is go accept your own feelings as valid. it's ok for you to be upset about this experience. you have to accept your emotional response before you can let it go

if you are spiritual/religous, praying for the person who has upset you or wishing them well also helps dispel the negativity.

and maybe don't keep it inside, talk to someone about it. just the act of talking about it might help reframe your experience and let it go.

Overthinking isn’t it? Wait til peri hits 🙈🤣 I used to worry about things before they even happened and have all kinds of scenarios and what I would do if each scenario arose…Someone once said to me, my god why do you need to know WHY- just accept and move on.
I’m off to take the ADHD test….

Update
Thank you for completing the questionnaire. Your responses indicate you have symptoms that may be consistent with ADHD in adults and fuller diagnosis is recommended.🙈

If you can accept you are just an average human, and the people you have interactions with are just average humans, then it becomes easier to to forgive them and yourself.

All people have good and bad days.

If you try and be the person who gives people nice interactions it feels so much better than having nice interactions towards you. And it comes back once you get going.

This I think is what you mean by "zen" although it's hard to know zen is widely used nowadays.

It is difficult to get blood from me, a long time back i joked "see this is why i can't be a smack head oh ow oh ow" and the nurse suggested we try using, a butterfly clip i think it's called, it's what is used to get blood out of small children because they have narrow, hard to find veins and very low pain thresholds. Now i mention that when i get blood taken and the whole process is much easier. Some nurses can get blood out of me, some can't, they are just average humans you see. I certainly don't politely huff and puff and stew for days. That's just, yeah, just not part of the solution, not for me anyhow.

The path to zen begins with just basic forgiveness.

Acceptance. Everyone has good and bad days. We’re all human aren’t we?
Last year I really feared I was on the edge of a breakdown and I started swimming. I now go 3 or 4 times a week and feel hugely better for it. It’s the only exercise I have stuck to consistently and that I have no other external factors disturbing me, it’s pure solitude. And the only time that I’m not thinking about anything else at all, just how many lengths I’ve done and breathing. And immediately afterwards I feel on a high and it boosts my spirits for the rest of the day.
I’m not zen all of the time but I’m in a much better place now and dh noticed that I’m calmer and more relaxed.