Baby due soon = huge desire to run.

[runbabyduesoon]

Hi,

I'm not sure on the right place to post and I am no sure what what I am asking or looking for just feeling a mix bag right now.

DC no 2 is due in a few weeks and I am getting an increasing urge to run away from everything. I have posted on here before about feeling very isolated where I am, which is a farm in a tiny community 3 hours drive from my home town.

I have been thinking I regret moving here and I would love to move to somewhere fun, exciting with lots of things going on, mainly I think I'd love to live on a canary island or something. But obviously that isn't really an option. DH will never stop being a farmer and I doubt he'd let me take our two kids and run off to another country!

I had PP depression last time. I also most likely have BPD but not officially diagnosed as I don't want to be. The psychiatric said I have a lot of it under control now anyway, it is actually something that improves for most people with age.

So many thoughts racing this morning though and I don't know how to squash them back into line. My life feels so boring and bored and confined into a tiny box that I was to just smash the box to bits, maybe set it on fire for good measure.

Is it normal to feel like this?

No, I don't think so.

BPD can flare with pregnancy and new baby hormones. Are you still in contact with the psychiatrist? If not, could you talk to your perinatal mental health services?

Do you have an EU passport? Just living in the Canary Islands would be a challenge without one, and even more so if your husband would protest you moving his children... but to be honest, this sounds like a daydream on the verge of mania, so I'd seek support and see how you feel once it's passed.

Are you sure that where you live is the problem? I ask because my friend was unhappy with where she lived and she moved across the world. It didn't make her happy because she wasn't addressing the real problem.

My next question is why is your DHs happiness more important than yours? If you're unhappy and hate where you live then as a couple you need to find a way where he can be a farmer but you can live a life that doesn't bore the arse out of you.

You're romantisising. You are imagining running off to the canary islands and having this amazing life of fun.

Reality? Even if he did let you move there, how you planning to afford it? You'll have 2 young kids you'd be sole carer for. You'd have a life of dropping kids at childcare, working, picking them up, taking them home, bedtime routine, repeat. Weekends desperately trying to catch up on getting a food shop, housework etc. Life with young kids is 'boring'. Running away won't change it. If you moved closer to your family and they're super helpful and willing to help with the kids then thats great. But they're your kids. You can't palm them off on whoever will take them because your life is boring you right now.

It's totally normal to dislike certain stages. For you maybe its baby stage. When they're older and can do lots with them maybe will be easier. Right now it's your mental health talking and you need to get as much help as possible with it.

Unfortunately moving rarely cures people's problems, I think you should urgently seek mental health care if you aren't already and seek support for following the birth. If a year after you give birth you are still struggling, it's time for a serious talk, not about going to a holiday island, be realistic but could you relocate to somewhere less isolated? I live in a farming area but only 9 miles from a major city, quite different

@YouveGotAFastCar we do all have EU passports so that bit at least is feasible. I know the rest absolutely isn't though. I do live in a day dream sometimes I dream of retiring to somewhere in the sun and living the life I really want.

I know this will make me sound paranoid or something but I was super open and honest when preg with DC 1 and the mental health MW I met with was terrible. I posted here a few months after when I finally could. She asked to do a drugs/ alcohol test I agreed, this was in the early stages of labour. Trace and I mean micro traces of alcohol came back in my blood - not pee. She made it out like she was doing me a huge favour not to report me to SS but that if I did anything like that again she'd have no choice, I hadn't been drinking! When she re did the test it was clear but she said enough time had lapsed. She said I would need to visit her weekly for blood tests which I agreed to, she also said I was a 'prime candidate' for pp depression. I was in hospital nearly a week with complications but never saw her again

I never want to see her again. I was diagnosed with PP depression about 5 months pp and took anti depressants for a few months. I saw a community MH psychiatric at the time but she has now retired and hasn't been replaced

@Greatmate I knew I was marrying a farmer and I knew where we'd live. You're right though the prob with moving is your head moves with you. I did that for a few years.

@NamingConundrum no the life prob wouldn't be what I imagine. I see things on the TV about mum groups having these great lives where they meet all the time and have coffee and a big support network.

@mitogoshi I really don't think moving is an option. We are about 5 miles from a village and I have started making friends of a sort this year. Up until in bed last night I would have said my MH was good on this pregnancy. I am afraid to get in touch with 'services'

I don't really know what is wrong with me. I have a really good life. I have a genuinely lovely husband, even if he does joke that he 'got to me just in time' he's prob not wrong though.

I know no one is perfect but I didn't have an ideal childhood. Both parents left me, father fully, mother sporadically, then introducing unsuitable 'step dads' when she wanted me to live with her. I only learnt what BPD was in the last 18 months and I can see that I am trying to create this perfect little ordered and 'normal' family life for myself. Then just try and do something to ruin it.

There is also a lot going on apart from the pregnancy. My mother who I have reconciled with, is now very ill and I am managing pretty much her life for her. We absolutely have a reversed relationship.

I don't think anyone with 2 young children (or even when they're older) has a huge amount of fun exactly. Life changes almost beyond recognition when you have kids and your choices, freedoms, friendships and everything else in between are dictated entirely by that. No matter where you live, that will be your reality. I'm not sure what TV programmes you're watching where mothers are laughing and drinking coffee all the time but please believe me, that is not true for most women.

I went on maternity leave in middle of a big city. Several people at work had babies same time so we planned to meet up, I had some other friends.

It's not like on TV. The lovely coffee meet ups were like every couple of weeks max. Someone had had a bad night, baby was ill, had an appointment, was napping etc. Then they hit about 3/4 months and suddenly coffee really wasn't an option. Babies wanted to be on the move, grab everything etc. It moved to occasional picnics if weather good, where we spent more time wrangling our babies than actually chatting. They certainly weren't relaxing 🤣 and you always end up thinking about milestones another one has reached and shouldn't yours have.

Found a couple baby groups, but again I knew a lot more about the babies than the mums. We were too busy stopping our own child from grabbing anothers hair or crawling off to chat much about ourselves! Plus the kids were giving eachother everything so I always came home covered in snot that was not my child's (my childs snot also!). I spent from 5 months to 9 months with baby getting a cold or something basically every week and giving it to me.

@NamingConundrum That does make me feel a bit better. I have sort of 'clicked' with 1 lady I met at a baby group a while ago. We've been for coffee a few times. Yes after about an hour the kids are ready to leave but I am getting to know her.

A large part of the problem I am finding with making friends is that in such a small area people have known each other their whole lives and have family around here to call in on. They are lovely to me but don't need the effort of making a new friend.

It's hard to know what it is sometimes normal 'trapped' feelings and the abnormal ones that make me do stupid impulsive things. I do think recognising I'm about to do something stupid and impulsive is a good improvement anyway.

I think your feelings are completely normal, yes. Trapped with small children in an isolated area, few friends, mundane stuff and no spontaneity. When my kids were small I used to daydream about leaving the family and running away, just me, no responsibility for anything or anyone.

I have a wonderful life, but even I have moments where I just want to jump in my car and start driving. They were more common when dd was younger.

the pressure of never-ending responsibility and the fact that I must balance my own preferences with those of the members of my household just gets to me sometimes.

what has helped is me being more vocal about my needs. That is hard with babies because they take so much from everyone, but it does get easier and then you have to find a way to carve out something for yourself.

I wrote another paragraph here but realized it got really idiosyncratic. Let’s just say that you and your husband have to work together to make sure you aren’t drowning.