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Original poster

My dad died today

17 replies

FlamingoFloss · 08/07/2024 00:01

Just that really. We were estranged. I tried to get there. I had to travel and I arrived 15 minutes too late. I don’t know how im supposed to feel

OP posts:
SlB09 · 08/07/2024 00:03

Didn't want to read and run. I don't think there is any right way to feel to be honest. Really sorry for your loss x

Proudbitch · 08/07/2024 00:04

Sending you a lot of love.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/07/2024 00:04

I'm sorry for your loss. How long had you been estranged?

HcbSS · 08/07/2024 00:05

You are not SUPPOSED to feel any one thing. You feel how you feel and that is acceptable and good enough. Take care of yourself OP, this is a difficult time for you.

HedgehogB · 08/07/2024 00:06

It’s not your fault x and anything you feel is ok. Or even if you feel nothing at all. Sending love x

wlv12 · 08/07/2024 00:07

I’m so sorry OP. However you feel, it’s ok. And however you feel right now might not be the same as in the coming days and weeks. I hope you have support around you 💐

JC03745 · 08/07/2024 00:07

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you did your best to get there. Write a letter to him with the things you would have said. When you feel ready, light a candle and read the letter out load or in your head. It might provide some comfort in what must be a very difficult time Flowers

Original poster
FlamingoFloss · 08/07/2024 00:07

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/07/2024 00:04

I'm sorry for your loss. How long had you been estranged?

So, I used to see him until I was 7 years old. Then it was 37 years later that I tracked him down and turned up on his doorstep. I visited him twice over 2 years (I’m in SE England and was SW). We lost contact again mostly because I didn’t feel he valued me being in his life. Maybe like rejection for me all over again I suppose

OP posts:
Sunshineonararainydayyy · 08/07/2024 00:07

Sorry for your loss @FlamingoFloss. As others have said it can bring a range of emotions, not least shock even when the death is expected.

Give yourself time to process and there is no right or wrong way to experience grief 💐

Original poster
FlamingoFloss · 08/07/2024 00:08

JC03745 · 08/07/2024 00:07

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you did your best to get there. Write a letter to him with the things you would have said. When you feel ready, light a candle and read the letter out load or in your head. It might provide some comfort in what must be a very difficult time Flowers

This is really helpful, thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
FlamingoFloss · 08/07/2024 00:12

It’s the saddest thing. He had 4 children and none of us even knew he was in hospital. My (half) brother contacted me last night (sat) to ask if I’d heard from him as he hadn’t replied to his message and hadn’t been online, which was unusual. I made some calls and found out he had been taken to hospital. We found out it wasn’t looking good so my sister and I travelled down this morning (sun). He died as we were getting off the train. We didn’t know. We arrived at the hospital, phone call from our brother to say he had passed before we had got to the ward

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/07/2024 00:29

FlamingoFloss · 08/07/2024 00:07

So, I used to see him until I was 7 years old. Then it was 37 years later that I tracked him down and turned up on his doorstep. I visited him twice over 2 years (I’m in SE England and was SW). We lost contact again mostly because I didn’t feel he valued me being in his life. Maybe like rejection for me all over again I suppose

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds very hard. There's no right or wrong way to feel in this situation.

Noseybookworm · 08/07/2024 00:34

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. No matter how difficult the relationship, you are bereaved 😢 don't worry about what you should feel, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel. Take care of yourself lovely 💐

AmelieTaylor · 08/07/2024 00:40

I'm sorry.

the death of an estranged parent is just as hard, just in different ways. Along with the guilt (there's always something we feel guilty about 🙄) and grief, there's a lot that's unresolved & now can't be.

its different for everyone (even for each of your siblings/half siblings). Theres no 'right' way to feel. Its ok to be angry too!!

just accept the way you feel day to day. Give it time, but in the future it may help to have some counselling to talk through your feelings & help you come to terms with it.

Would it help you to rephrase it? He didn't abandon you when you were 7, he ran away from being a responsible adult & from dealing with conflict with your mum about seeing you.

(((HUG)))

braveandwellbehaved · 08/07/2024 00:43

My dad and I were estranged when he died. I found listening to podcasts about grief helpful to untangle the feelings I had. It was rough becaus I grieved the relationship I wished we had… not the real man. Really messy. I feel at peace now if that gives you consolation. It’s ok to grieve and also not wish you had a relationship with the person he really was only the person you wished he was. It’s no one’s fault just life is and relationships are complicated. I started counselling before he died maybe a few months before and it’s been really helpful. Good luck in this new phase of life, you’ll make it. You will be ok and feel like you and normal again one day.

Apolloneuro · 08/07/2024 01:01

My dad had been dead two weeks and buried before I found out. I hear you. Be kind to yourself. You’re grieving the relationship you didn’t get to have xxx

imfae · 08/07/2024 01:44

I am so sorry for your loss and that you and your sibling didn't get there in time . You both did your best to get there and that is all you could have done .

There is no right or wrong way to grieve / or right or wrong feelings . It is is very individual and will depend on your relationship / personal circumstances .

I think as others have said that you are also grieving the father/ daughter relationship that you have never had . For this reason it is understandable that your grief will feel different . Even if you had accepted your Dad's issues around fatherhood, it is perfectly understandable to hope that this would have come right . That he would have become the father you wanted him to be . That sadly Will not be able to happen now . For whatever reason he was unable to be a good father . That is on him and not on you and your siblings .

It is also perfectly normal to distance ourselves from those loved ones who weren't / aren't there for us when we need them . That is basic self preservation as we are trying not to get hurt again .

Try and not feel guilty ( I know easier said than done ) as that is a wasted emotion . Your dad was the grown up and for whatever reason he wasn't able to be a present and nurturing father . You were the child .

Honour your Dad in the way that feels right for you . Take careFlowersFlowersFlowers

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