To have not realised that I have been in a poor relationship for the last 16 years 😔

[Picket]

I'm basically nearly 40, DC and been married to DH for nearly 16 years. He's my only serious relationship. We've had our ups and downs in the relationship as most people do but it's only recently I have changed my perception.

Ive come from a very verbally abusive family, parents, cousins and siblings included. Don't want to go into it but basically as a young adult, I had cripplingly low self esteem, zero confidence, social anxiety and literally hated myself. Looking back, it makes me cry.

Dh came along and he never put me down and accepted my social anxiety. It took me a good while to realise how damaging my family were and I cut contact back to a minimum.

Over the years, being away from them, has helped me to build my self esteem and confidence. It's been very slow and the improvements haven't been massive but looking back to the person I was, there is definitely a change.

This has made me reassess my boundaries and my expectations of how people treat me. And unfortunately, I've come to the realisation that my relationship with Dh hasn't been a good one. I've had low expectations for myself all my life and that's what I've got and now I don't want this anymore.

Has this happened to anyone else?!

Yes the exact same thing happened to me.

Did you break up with your partner?!
I feel such a sense of resentment towards him and feel so foolish as to why did I do this to myself?!

What's he like?

Your post has been a lightbulb moment for me, I'm the same. DH isn't a bad person at all, but he's not affectionate or loving and I've been unhappy for nearly 10 years (married 16). I've talked to him about it lots of times, nothing changes.

OP what is the issue with your DH? It's not clear if there's any abuse or if you're in a situation like me.

He has treated me very very badly at times when I've needed the most support (e.g after birth with an OP). He's very moody so for no reason he'll just ignore me and stop talking to me and the kids. And then he'll just be okay.

He doesn't spend anytime with the kids playing, talking to them, taking them out on his own, teaching them stuff. No bedtimes, no watching movies together. Because of this I'm the default parent.

He never cooks so even if I'm ill, it falls on me to feed everyone. He only very recently started cooking one meal on the weekend every few months when he feels like. This was after me telling him I'm fed up of having to do this with working ft.

We barely talk, he's boring, he's a loner. I feel so lonely. He holes himself in the bedroom with headphones watching crap on the computer. That's how he spends most of his free time. He hates socialising in any form.

Hes not affectionate and only gives me attention when he wants sex which is so off putting. He never tells me he loves me..he's not considerate when I'm ill so I still carry on looking after the kids, get things done that need to be.

The good stuff
He's helped a little doing nappies with the odd bath time when they were very young. He hoovers, deals with the car servicing and maintenance. I don't drive so he ferries the kids everywhere though begrudgingly. He hoovers and picks up after himself. Does a bit of cleaning but the main stuff is left to me.
He puts the bins out!
He's never pushed me into working, I have a choice to work or not. Our finances are shared and he doesn't question what I spend money on.

I think reading back at this, I just want an equal partner who loves me, who is kind and considerate and a good father. I want to work as a team, look out for each other, grow together and create a warm, loving and safe family home.

I have been unhappy probably most of these 16 years but it's been up and down. Some times weren't as bad as others.

Yeah I divorced mine. No regrets.

Your marriage sounds very lonely, OP. He falls a long way short of a decent, equal partner, even without the lack of affection. I doubt it's salvageable and life's too short to spend it like this. I'd be making plans to leave tbh.

I could have written your posts. I look back and could cry for my younger self, sometimes I look back and feel embarrassed, and ashamed of how low my self esteem was and how many boundaries I lacked.

my ex was very similar to yours, I think ultimately he’s very selfish, he wanted help, because he though it was all beneath him. Eventually it all turned to resentment and the relationship died and turned.

It is hard being a single parent, but I’m a better person for it, and over the time I’ve been single I’ve been able to work on my self esteem, confidence and boundaries. I’m a much happier person now.

Yes, I'm totally with you with the shame. 😔

Don't feel shameful, this was not your fault. These men are the ones that should be ashamed.

The main thing is you have recognised the issues and can do / are doing something about them. Learn from these experiences, become stronger and build better, happier lives.