My flaky friend has started being flaky again

[AnnoyedHmph1]

I have been friends with her since we were 7 and close friends since secondary. Still both live in same town we grew up in. We always have a laugh together, she is very kind and has been a good friend to me but she was terrible for cancelling plans or not committing to things when we were younger; it used to drive me mad but because I do like her company a lot I stayed friends with her. I found out I'm autistic a few years ago and mentioned how plans not happening makes me really stressed and unhappy; she seemed genuinely surprised by this (!!!) but to be fair she did stop being so flaky. We would plan activities well in advance (we have kids the same age so some family days out and some grown-up nights when our children are with our exes or grandparents of her DC are babysitting) and for the most part she stuck to them.
However the last activity we were meant to do with our kids she flaked on, I know she flaked because she asked if my kids knew about it (they are also autistic and hate plans being cancelled). Then the next day she said can we do something "a bit closer-to-home and low-key" as she was going out the night before. Then the day after that she said actually her parents were taking her kids out for the day as they were babysitting babysitting the night before and she was sorry she had not checked 🤨 as I have known my friend for about 35 years I recognised that she was flaking from the first message she sent. Then this weekend we were due to meet up in a wider group to go walking. Now she is saying that the walk is off because the weather is bad. This is standard as where we are it is dangerous to go out walking if the weather is awful. However she has not offered an alternative plan which is what we would normally do if the weather's not good. She's also suggested meeting up to plan for the summer as I said are we still going away with our kids in August.
Basically she has can cancelled 2x meet-ups, 2 weekends in a row and I suspect the trip over the summer is being 'slow-faded' as well. It sounds ridiculous but I really do struggle if plans get cancelled, it messes with my mental health a lot. With my other close friends, most of whom are also ND, we would find alternatives instead of just cancelling entirely as we all prefer this.
I really don't know if I should withdraw from this friendship for a bit or what. If I do, then our kids will see less of each other which would be really sad for them. And I would really miss her!! I did stop seeing her for about a year in our 20's because she kept on making then cancelling plans and I struggled with it so much.
This friend does have a tenancy to see me and our mutual friends more when she is single and less when she has a partner. She recently split up with her boyfriend so we had booked in a lot of activities (I am also a single parent but choosing not to date at the moment so have had more free time than her, so when she suggests something I am generally free).
I am not very assertive so don't want to confront her about this but also myself and DCs really do struggle with plans changing. Has anyone been in a similar situation?? Thanks

She's not reliable and you need extra reliability.

I wouldn't go so far as to drop the whole friendship but I would protect myself by not making plans with her when I know she won't go through with them and I know that would hurt me.

I don't tolerate this kind of thing at all. She is not respecting your time. We are all very busy. It is one thing when a genuine problem arises or if someone feels unwell. But this is clearly a pattern and it is actually wasting your time and upsetting you.

I would quietly lose touch. You could try talking to her about it, but it appears this is who she is.

@RoundandSad - that is a really interesting point you make about her not respecting my time - thank you... I can honestly say I never thought of it in those terms before. But it is true because me and DC got left with nothing to do the other weekend and we were all quite stressed and disappointed 😞

.. and no I don't really see the point in talking about it firstly because I am awful at that and secondly because when I did a few years back (eldest child went absolutely berserk at cancelled plans, it was genuinely very upsetting to see) she got a bit defensive and sulky - kind of a "sorry you're upset but..." making ME look (and feel, if I'm honest) like I was being a dick about it.

I definitely do need extra reliability, I cannot stand things being cancelled (obviously I don't mind if it's a genuine illness or reason but it's because I can see that this is a pattern and I know when she is gonna flake because it almost always goes in the same stages of "are you still expecting to do X/Y/Z?" Then if I say yes it's "I might not be able to do [activities] but might be able to!" Then a final flaky "can't do it, sorry!" Or worse, is ignoring me when I double-check if we are still meeting then messaging on the day AFTER the time we were supposed to meet, or the day after, with some excuse.

We've got a mutual friend who told me she only arranges to see this friend if it's in a group setting as she also hates being flaked on (the mutual friend is also autistic) but they are less close and our mutual friend doesn't have kids the same age so there isn't that pull. They are less close as a result of this mutual friend's "policy" (obviously the flaky friend is not aware of it!) but she says it keeps her from getting disappointed and cross!

I think what your friend is doing is pretty shit whether her friends are autistic or not.

Obviously the Nd side of things makes a difference to how much this affects you or your kids emotionally, but honestly what your describing is out of order whichever way you look at it.

If I had a friend whose arrangements I couldn't trust would actually happen, even after the arranged time it could still be cancelled, I'd never plan anything with them!

Who needs that level of uncertainty - it's unsettling cos you can't even look forward to something right down to the wire.
Nah, that would be a hard no from me and that's before you factor in disappointed kids etc.

I suppose it was nice that she made an effort for a while after you talked to her, but she couldn't keep it up cos this is ultimately what she's about.

Maybe she's demand avoidant, maybe she's disrespectful and if a better offer comes along she'll blow you off, or, she just can't be arsed on the day and she prioritises her wishes over any effect on her friend...

The reason doesn't matter though because the effect is the same.

Fair point @UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing - I have lost track of the amount of times over the years that it really has been down to the wire as to whether something will go ahead or not. It's very stressful and then I can't enjoy as didn't know what would be happening. And I can't very well say to other friends on the morning of a cancellation "wanna meet up after all, X has flaked on me? Xx" which is exactly what happened this weekend.

I know she did have one very close friend who ghosted her because she got sick of being flaked on. My friend is still really upset about this and doesn't understand it at all. I dunno what anxious avoidant actually means but she has always been somewhat of a free spirit and likes to do random stuff at short notice. I think that the messages here are helping give me clarity about going forward then as I don't think that she will change to the extent I need her to, to stop me from losing my mind or having a big row about it all

Well, you can't change her.

Maybe shes nd too & feels overwhelmed by that level of need for certainty.

I'd (and I really do understand how difficult this is) be working on my own & esp the DCs response to disappointment and/or looking for ways to manage flakiness.

The only other options are another chat or dropping her.

I think you aren't compatible as friends.

I'm the same when it comes to last minute cancellations. I think it is disrespectful and selfish, and take it badly, so if someone persistently does it I just stop planning anything with them. It's not just about disappointment - there have been times when I have turned down other options because I had a date in my diary, only to have the holder of that date let me down. It's as though people like that can't imagine that you could have anything else to do but wait to see if they will honour their commitments. Life's too short.

Maybe your friend 'can't help it' (I doubt it, but for the sake of argument. . .) but equally you can't help being annoyed when she does it, so the simplest solution is just to stop doing things that rely on her being trustworthy. I've done this with a couple of people - not cut them out, but stopped doing things that are just the two of us, so they can go ahead whether the flakes are there or not.

Sounds like she has a massive blind spot on seeing things from other people's pov.

Everytime you give someone the flick despite having committed to a plan together and that friend reserving that time slot for you... you are sending a hard message that they are lower in your thinking/priorities than <insert whatever you spend your time on instead>

Most people would ruefully recognise that, yeah, no surprise that person opted not to be in the game with you anymore.

She's still baffled after all this time (out of curiosity did you say anything like 'well what do you expect!?') tells you she has actually zero perception of what it's like to be on the receiving end of this. Which means she doesn't see a problem with it.

So let her float through life, free as a bird, not paying heed to these things. Other people's time is irrelevant to her so accept it and don't put yourself in the position of being on the receiving end.
She'll get by on group things that she can dip out of without upsetting people enough to bin her off, and work her way through a series of one to one friendships that 'mysteriously' only last as long as it takes them to work her out.

Do your kids a favour, sit them down and talk about how it's important to know what kind of treatment is ok and you are willing to accept and what is not. This is an excellent lesson in boundaries and autistic kids often need that more than anyone.
Tell them her letting you down isn't an understandable one off, which would be fine, it's a pattern and as much as you all enjoy her company, placing your weekend plans in the hands of someone who is highly likely to ruin them is not what you are willing to accept and neither should they.
Friendship is a two way thing, and both need to appreciate each other. Appreciation doesn't look like carelessly disappointing someone.
Tell them the greatest predictor of what you can expect from someone is how they have typically behaved in the past and so you know she will do this to you time and again... And that's not ok

Tell them it's sad, but sometimes we have to make hard decisions especially when it means not allowing yourself to be ill treated.

Tell them you haven't fallen out, you may still see them at various occasions. But you won't be making any plans with her.

Or conversation to that effect.

Do your kids a favour, sit them down and talk about how it's important to know what kind of treatment is ok and you are willing to accept and what is not. This is an excellent lesson in boundaries and autistic kids often need that more than anyone.

Thanks, this is excellent advice @UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing . I wish my parents had done this to me, tbh. They never gave me any pointers on how to navigate friendships but they don't really have any friends themselves so maybe didn't think it matters so much.

I think the incompatibility thing is really interesting as never think of this in relation to friendships, only in dating. But you are correct, I think.

Me too. Which is why I've given it a lot of thought so I can do better for my kids and not leave them having to learn slowly, the hard way.

I wonder what happens when two people who habitually flake out on things try to have a friendship.
Do one in ten plans actually go ahead!? Imagine all that planning and communication for such minimal benefit, it'd be exhausting.
I bet they'd complain bitterly about each other. 🤣