I think my 5yo is traumatised by the loss of our dog?

[bumblebee1987]

We lost our beloved dog in January. He was 14.5 years old, a lovely big soppy mutt, we all adored him. I work with dogs so I can confidently say that he was officially the best boy!

We knew he was dying and we tried to prepare our children as much as possible in an age appropriate way. The last time my 5yo DD saw him was before school and they gave each other a kiss and she knew that he had to see the vet that day and that he was very poorly.

I am worried that she is suffering from some sort of trauma? Even seven months on. She still talks about him multiple times a day. When we go out, before we come home she will say things like 'It would be so nice if Ronnie was there when we get back!' She asks how she can go and visit him, what he's doing, tells us she loves him all the time, draws pictures of him every day. She sleeps with a pillow that she has drawn a picture of him on.

Is this normal? I don't know how to help her? It just feels so sad that she is still so fixated on him, I thought that generally 5yo children live in the moment! Her 11yo brother seems to have forgotten that we even ever had a dog! Do we need to do anything or just let her carry on? Other people have said that we need to get another dog, but honestly we just can't. We had him for 14.5 years and he was such a huge part of us, my husband and I had only been together 6 months when we got him (mad I know!).

Any advice? My heart is breaking for her!

Have a look at this book, simple but beautiful: Love from Alfie McPoonst, the Best Dog Ever a.co/d/00WuOrzt

We read it to dc1 when ddog died a few years ago, swapped out the names. I think it helped all of us a little bit.

Talking about it is normal I think though, honestly there isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk about ddog who we lost three years ago.

Gemma Atkinson's dog just died and her dd was asking lots of questions so she wrote a letter to her from their dog explaining that he's happy, he's not in pain etc and I think it's helped her. Maybe try that :)

Thank you, I will order that book. We did read some books with her about loss, but they weren't dog specific so maybe they weren't relevant enough.

That's lovely to hear that you still talk about your dog. They certainly leave a huge hole don't they, I'm still struggling, I just wasn't expecting that she would be too!

Oh that made me cry! What a sweet idea. I think she would like that. She just misses him so much 😢

Do you think she understand about death in general? I know young children sometimes need some real factual information like ‘his heart isn’t beating anymore’ ‘he can’t come back’ etc - I’m sure you’ve probably done this given you’ve read books etc. It sounds like this is part of her process and you’re right to just validate what she feels and be with her as she goes through it.

Oh bless her.
I think its good she loved him so much and this is how children process grief. Just talk about him to her. Maybe say whereever he is, he will think of her too.

I'm sorry for all of your loss.

Oh op, this is both the saddest & loveliest post I’ve read in a long time. Your poor DD☹️ sounds like she’s grown up with him so it will be very hard for her, it’s her first experience of losing someone she loves. I don’t have anything more helpful I’m afraid.

My DD is 8 and we have a (now elderly☹️) dog who she’s extremely close to (he even has a place set for Monopoly!) and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about the aftermath of him leaving. For both our sakes.

I think she probably doesn't really grasp the concept of death. Other than our dog, it isn't something she has experienced yet, so I guess it's all new to her. We have probably made mistakes because we've told her that he's in heaven and he has good legs now and he can still see her but sadly she can't see him, which maybe has made it more confusing for her, I'm not sure. I guess she just needs more time to process it. We always let her talk about him as much as she wants, we just weren't sure if that was necessarily the best way to handle it!

I think in future it's always best that children are there when pets are put to sleep. It's hard but it makes it easier for them to process. Did you bury him or get his ashes? They need a funeral of sorts too.

She really did love him so much, which is lovely, but just makes it a hard loss for a little person 💔 We tell her that he can see her, but just that sadly she can't see him. We will always talk about him and we have so many lovely pictures, so maybe she just needs time to process it. It really breaks my heart though!

Oh that is so lovely that he even has a monopoly place! How sweet 🥰 My heart goes out to you because having an old dog is so heartbreaking, especially when you know your children will be devastated and there is little you can do to help. My DD always says how unfair it is that her brother got to see him when he was young and that he got 11 years with him and she only got 5, and she just wishes that he could have lived forever! Me too 😔

It sounds as though Ronnie meant as much to your DD as a sibling would have done. And presumably, it wouldn't be unnatural for her to be still talking to and about a sibling who'd died? Ronnie obviously stole her heart. He must have been a lovely boy. 😊

Oh gosh I hadn't even contemplated either of them being there, we felt that would be really hard. She's a very sensitive little girl and I think that might have broken her! We got his ashes and we have set up a little corner with a photo and a paw print impression and she likes that, she knows that's where he is now but that his spirit is happy and free.

Given her age, think you should help her to understand more broadly what death is. Her questioning is probably an attempt to get her head around death as well as grieving her dog. The Why Do Things Die book is very good (and actually has a character whose pet dies).

I hadn't thought of it like that at all! You are so right, we'd never expect a child to stop talking about a person they loved. That helps a lot actually. It's only natural when you love someone that much isn't it! He really was the most wonderful, gentle loving boy ❤️

Yes this is a good point. I will look for that book. We have read some books on loss, but none of them were very factual, so maybe she needs to understand what it actually means.

My DC was a similar age when our cat was run over and killed, DC kept saying things like cat needs a new collar, please buy cat a new water bowl etc.
DH worked with a highly experineced psycologist (not an expert in kids, a totaly different area). He said buy a soft toy that looks as close to cat as possible, expect child to beat it up, scream at it etc. Eventually the child will hug the toy and cry. That will be the child starting the grieving process, she just needs a focus point.
In our case DC even named the toy after the dead cat. It worked in a fairly short time and DC started to speak about cat in the past tense.
This worked for us, I hope it will work for you DD.
P.S. The toy was much smaller than cat and only a similar colour.(So no need for a giant toy! ).

Perfectly normal and it just shows she has an empathetic personality.

By all means get books that discuss death in an age appropriate way, perhaps something about the per rainbow. At that age we can imprint really strongly and relationships are very simple.

Sadness and grief are normal feelings and she will process and move on with the pain becoming less and increased happy memories becoming stronger.