Was anyone else's mother like this ?

[TedIreneAndOld]

My mum is odd! When we were younger she was obsessed with how we came across and how we looked. She used to go on and on about not having our hair too blonde, our eyebrows too thin or straighten our hair. She was also obsessed with calling me a big girl. At 5 foot 4 and 8 stone as a younger woman I think not. Everything had to be perfect. I remember once I hadn't tied my hair back and she told me it looked a fucking mess and started kicking off in the car. I was about 14.

My mum could be like this. She was always worried about external appearances. My gran was the same. I remember once my mum and gran both talking about me leaving the house with my hair a mess. It was curly and I hadn't straightened it.

My mum has OCD, is a horder, no empathy and is prone to emotional outbursts. My DC is autistic and recognise now my mum probably is too. Objectively I can see her behaviour as trying to control situations she felt anxious about. But it also fucked me up as a child.

Yes my mum always goes on about people being common. Said should never eat in the street, drink out of cans and something else I've forgotten. Would say she hated the words, got, lot and nice.
Always comments on my clothes, weight, hair, etc.
All very strange. She was born in 1952, lost her own mum when she was very young.

My mums has always been horrible and spiteful to me it's the norm. She does not know how to speak to me without criticising.

Yes she was like this all the time. Obsessed with what people think. Went crazy at me over nothing.

She was obsessed with not ending up with sagging breasts. When I was mid teens she used to walk into the bathroom not caring about privacy and if she saw me in the bath she'd say keep your breasts out of the hot water it will make them sag. She kept on telling me she wouldn't go in a bath without wearing a bra soaked in cold water to keep them pert.

When I was 16 she told me that my bust was getting a bit dropped and that I should be watching hot baths and showers.

She gave me hang ups about it and I was constantly checking other women to see how far down their breasts were and feeling like rubbish.

When I was older I said to her the cold bra hasn't worked for you has it - tits are at your waist. I'd had enough.

She was obsessed with the weirdest things about appearance that were utterly inconsequential.

She was embarrassed of everything normal that she thought might make her look bad.

Said should never eat in the street, drink out of cans and something else I've forgotten.

I'd agree there. Why eat in the street?

My mother is a bit like this though overall a good mum. She never called me “big” or commented on my weight or anything. She was always quite controlling about hairstyles and what I wear etc. I wonder is it just a bit more common of women of a certain era to be more obsessed with appearances. Like she is always concerned about the neighbours etc. (oh you didn’t mow the lawn people will be commenting )whereas I don’t care what my neighbours think of me as long as I’m not bothering them or whatever .

My late DM had a bit of a hang up about me being a tomboy when I was young. I can remember her saying when I was about 8,'There's no point in me buying you nice clothes because you'll only go and ruin them, getting mud on them or ripping them climbing trees'. There was a girl in my class who lived just around the corner from us,who was very lady- like and 'dainty' and my DM would regularly say 'Why can't you be more like Emily?'. I got so fed up with this that one day I shouted back at her 'If you like her so much,why don't you ask her mum if you can swap her for me?!'.

Yep.

a definite preoccupation with what others might think, and how we were a direct mirror to her.

if we were beautifully turned out, quiet, polite etc it was her people admired for having such lovely children.

i was quite regularly sent back to my room to change/put make up on if she deemed my appearance wasn’t suitable for whatever occasion.

weight-yep. Always commenting on my eating. Buying me clothes two sizes to big “because you’re busty/have wide hips”

also the involvement in my social life. If I didn’t have lots of friends and party invites she clearly worried there was something wrong with me. I stressed for years trying to keep in with the “popular” crowd- I am so much happier with no social life now 😂

I learned very quickly not to get attached to anything or rewards or treats, as they’d be taken away for the slightest infraction. She tried it on my preschooler once- bought a toy for achieving something then when they got tired and emotional a couple of hours later told them she would take it back to the shop. Nope. They earned that toy.

I remember spilling a drink in a restaurant once and desperately trying to mop it up. Her doing her quietly furious “you’re shaming me” hissing while being super polite to the waitress. Telling me to clean it up- I said I can’t this napkin is sodden”. Oh the trouble I got into for using an impolite word in public.

My mother is Irish too. She is not critical of Irish people or Irish ways but does share some of these traits.

My dad insisted that my sister and I both had short hair and wore boys clothes. My mum used to get angry with me for 'not being girly enough'

Nope my mum was not like that all. She was a bit of a hippy and didn't care about outside appearances. In fact I was more likely to be embarrassed by her than the other way round!

My mum used to insist I had short hair. Take me to the hairdresser and ignore my pleas to let me grow it. The hairdresser would listen to her despite me holding back tears on more than one occasion. All I wanted was a ponytail.

however she still despaired that I wasn’t girly. Stopped me swimming (I was good) because I’d get big shoulders and the boys wouldn’t like the smell of chlorine. Every Christmas and birthday would be make up, nail/eyebrow/waxing vouchers, Handbags or something similarly girly. Then she’d take them back a couple of months later huffing if I wasn’t going to use them she’d give them to someone else.

can’t stand the fact I will go shopping in flat shoes with no make up. Regularly tried to get me to “go put a bit of lipstick on, cheer yourself up”

@sprigatito ah, very similar indeed! My dad's family were wealthier but more 'working class', and my parents moved here in the 60s.
It's quite influential to migrants I think how they perceive class etc. usually not in a very good way sadly! Luckily my mum is very down to earth now and rejects those societal prejudices.

Oh yes I had to have short hair too. Hated it.

I cut my hair shorter when I was 22 and I never heard the end of it.

You'd think I'd killed someone.

Then she said it was a really naff haircut.

My mother is very like this. Luckily I was good at the enforced ballet and tap lessons that she insisted upon. I didn't want to dance four times a week. I wanted to play guitar but that was unladylike. I did every grade, show and exam until teaching qualifications when I managed to escape to university.

Dancing saved my hair a bit at least. Each summer she used to have it cut into a short bob with a fringe and it would then be allowed to grow all year while she complained about how stringy and fine it was. I think the short hair was very common 30-40 years ago and I'd never dream of cutting my DDs gorgeous hair until she wants to make her own mind up.

She hates my clothes to this day and is open about how ashamed she is of me. She even burst into tears about my DMs. I was married and had children at the time. I feel like my childhood, 20s and 30s were one long episode of my mother bullying me to be how she wanted me to be. Happily, we are now NC.

The devouring mother comes in many guises!

I never thought I had any issue with my mother, despite many years in therapy. I was very aware if other issues, but genuinely believed that relationship was ok.

Then I was standing at her funeral, 15 years ago, taking the condolences and I was thinking how happy she would be to see the dress I had bought. It was modest, but also tight. I had lost over a stone in stress with her illness. I knew she would be so pleased I looked so thin. Then I realised how fucking distorted my thinking was to finally feel good enough because I got into a size 8, despite being 6 ft tall and actually looking skeletal.

I think I made myself fat as an act of revenge. Stupidly.

My mother was the opposite.
Being caught looking in a mirror proved that you were vain.
Straight hair was ugly, but it was also tough. Spots ditto; no help was ever given.

Her standard remark was ‘Who do you think is going to look at you?’ if getting ready for a party or event. She also imposed terrible clothes on us eg tartan socks with a summer dress.

My mother used to pound “don’t be common” over and over and over into me. Every single day she’d say it, like it was an incantation.

She never told me what “common” was.

Clothes, skin, hair, makeup, weight, friends, boyfriends. Everything was commented on, usually negatively. And the joy she showed when I lost weight quickly once as I was miserable, and working two jobs because I was skint.

I find her draining and am low contact which she's not happy about. I get a lot of digs about that. But it's self-protection I think.

I compliment my own kids all the time. I don't remember ever being complimented when I was a child.

Yes to things being "common". She still doesn't approve of how I dress now as I don't get clothes fron where she thinks I should. When I was about 16/17, I had 2 tops she hated which she ruined by tumble drying them.
Also, didn't like me having long hair so I've let DD chose how she wants her hair amd prefer having my own hair long. I lost most of my hair to chemo 3 years ago, the cold cap saved some. Funnily, she is obsessed about how my hair is rather than anything else!!!

This is definitely true of my Mum. She is 86 and has been a lovely Mum but definitely has much more of a thing about appearance than me.

She still puts on a full face of make up every day even if she doesn’t leave the house and would definitely be worried what the neighbours would think if the lawn wasn’t mowed whereas both of these things don’t worry me!!

My mum was and still is obsessed by weight.
I get it. Women were heavily criticised for not being very thin.
Very recently she would show me photographs of her at a certain age. Then ask how old I am, then pointedly look me up and down making it clear that she was thinking I am much fatter than she was at that age.

lol yes to the clothes.

if she hated my clothes she’d hide them in the wash basket. Then when I asked where they were I got “oh it was in the wash for ages and you didn’t seem to want it, so I binned it”

my leather jacket, my clothes she deemed “goth” (I.e black) or “studenty”