What is wrong with me? Is this normal?

[Littleoldme12]

Having a particularly bad day and I need to let this out once and for all, and here I am, trying to do just that, on mumsnet. I don't know where to start so I'll just start jotting down some things and see if others have similar feelings/experience. Sorry in advance..

Firstly, I'm not depressed, I am not perpetually sad and down and I have a lot of good days, and more often, 'just ok' days .. which I think is normal.

Anyway I have been a little unwell for the last week, tired, chesty, headache etc, think I may have had covid. So that is probably prompting this.

Now to the point..

I've got a rare day off on my own today and I'm sat crying pathetically because I've wasted it. I'm a full time working mum in a fairly responsible role. I work full time. My time is spent working, cooking, cleaning, and trying to be a present and decent mum all around this. But.. I don't clean obsessively, I don't do ALL the cooking, my husband takes his share. Why am I always knackered? Why can I never switch off? I feel like it's because I don't have a hobby, or one I'll stick to. I spend my 'free time' scrolling Instagram, mumsnet or looking up whatever I'm thinking of in that moment, e.g. 'best way to remove stains from carpet', 'why is the earth round' etcetc. I'll also watch TV in the evenings with my husband. I used to enjoy walking, particularly hill walking before I was a mum but I spend too much of my allocated time researching then have no time to do it. For example, I'll decide to go a walk and DH will be at home with DD, I'll look at routes, plan a playlist, try to find my cap etc then before you know it, I have 30 mins left before I need to be doing something else e.g. dinner or bed time.

I have considered ADHD. you'll see above I have the habit of rambling and often don't stick to a point. But I'm so wary this is being viewed as a bir of a bandwagon and maybe I am clutching to something?

Some other things about me:

I've done pretty well at work, although I massively procrastinate and have done since I can remember. I'd say right now approx 30-40% of my week is spent procrastinating, mainly on my wfh days. I often stop focussing. Then I can cram something in to a short space and get it over the line , often to a good standard, hence why I think I've managed to get promoted so many times.

I'm not academic and failed my highers at school although passed my GCSEs with excellent grades quite easily a year or two earlier. My employer has offered me the opportunity to complete a degree which I would love, but I just don't know how I'll focus and undoubtedly flunk.

I'm quite messy, although have actually got better with age. Always clean though.

I lose things a lot, bank cards, phone mainly.

I've never been good with money, hubby needs to give me a gentle telling off most months because I spend amd don't think about it then I don't know where all mymoney has gone. I am starting to get a little better at this I think (hope).

I over think everything. I struggled to make mum friends at play groups when my daughter was born even though I really wanted to and eventually stopped going as I felt people thought of me as a bit odd and they had formed better connections with other new mums more than me. I over share and can have a bit of an odd and at times dark sense of humour although I tried to keep that at bay. But I'm also conscious I was in my own head stressed as a new mum and I pulled away and probably didn't give it enough time. Who knows.

I've gained weight since having my baby, not a huge amount but enough to feel sluggish and not feel nice. Of course I can't find an exercise I'll stick to, even though I enjoy physical activity. Diets? Never.

That's it, for now.

Sending hugs!

Although you say it’s not a permanent thing, have you had a blood tests lately to check you’ve not got anemia or something like that?

Could you be peri-menopausal?

It sounds as though you’re thinking of the right things to try (exercise; long walks on your own etc); and it sounds like you have a supportive husband, so I’m sure you can work this out.

It is tiring have small kids! You don’t say how many you have or how old they are, but most mums feel a bit life everything is a bit too hectic from time to time.

Very gently i’d like to suggest you might be a bit depressed. I am so familiar with that feeling of inertia but “kind of” being on top of things. Whether you have ADHD or not it is still worth addressing this. Sometimes a burst of antidepressants can give you a more solid base to feel a but more capable and can dig you out of the rut and give you a bit of space emotionally. Sending lots of love.

Morning OP. You just described me, apart from the husband bit as I don't have one.

In terms of the day off, you need to do the planning before you get to that day and decide how you want it to look. Assemble anything you'll need the night before. Then run through in your mind 'drop kids at school, come home put trainers on and head out to [insert lovely place to walk would be too far with DC]'.

Don't worry about bandwagons and what other people think. At the very least, look up some of the tools people with ADHD use to manage various elements of life. Just be careful to not let a potential ADHD diagnosis allow you an excuse to slip further into the detrimental behaviours. Instead, recognise you might have it and use that to put things in place to mitigate it. It's easier with some things as some habits are easier to form than others. I used to constantly lose my keys which caused a lot of stress. I have managed to make myself put them in a certain place and it's now pretty much automated. My inability to manage/control procrastination is what has pushed me into seeking a diagnosis as I've tried all the tools and nothing is working.

You could be me OP.

I'm on antidepressants, have been for 5 years, but have recently been added to the adhd waiting list

The disappearing down rabbit holes, constant bone tiredness and inability to get things done in a productive way are v familiar. It's like normal life is inexplicably difficult, and it's more than just the usual "tired working mum".
I also have a good job but feel like I've somehow managed to do that by lots of last minute hyperfocus rather than any sustained input or knowledge building over any period of time. Also untidy but I hate mess and clutter, ironically. I tend to over share any often make slightly inappropriate/dark jokes in social situations. I doom scroll, can't stick at any habit - once I've learned enough to satiate my initial interest it's just not interesting anymore, so I have a head cull of random facts and half learned specialities.
You could be depressed. You could be ND. You could be both. Your feeling of overwhelm and almost a sense of shame comes across in your post and I really, really resonate. Sending hugs OP.

seems like a typical victim of getting hooked on "doom scrolling"

@ditzzy

I don't think I'm peri menopausal, nothing else to make me think that and I'm 34, although I know it can happen at any time really.

Not had bloods done, I was anemic during pregnancy and never had bloods since, might be worth checking I guess.

I have one DC, 2 years old.

I wouldn't medicalise this.

@redannie18 really? I hadn't ever considered depression.

I do suffer from massive overthinking and quite intense anxiety at times, although my anxiety episodes have reduced and drastically lowered in intensity strangely since having my child, definitely still there but not as extreme. I always thought if anything I'd have a bit of anxiety. Now I'm wondering if I have ADHD or similar.

@GoneIsAnotherSummersDay thank you that's helpful advice and I'll definitely try to be more organised ahead of my days off, if I'm not too tired that is.. forever procrastinating and all that.. :).

Have you had a diagnosis? How have you approached this?

Everything youve written resonates so much with me too, especially getting bored of things once you've satisfied your initial interest (obsession).

Can I ask how you ended up on anti depressants

I'm always looking for the next 'thing' whether that's a new car, house, sofa, tablecloth, hobby. I'm slightly jealous but also in awe of people (my husband being one of them) who is happy just being. I feel like I always need a plan, something to focus on, a project. He is happy with his two hobbies and his work/family routine which I absolutely love. Don't get me wrong I'm not unhappy, I think just, unfulfilled?