What am I going to do about this man?

[Squareplate]

He's a friend. Maybe if circumstances were different it could have been something else, but they weren't when we met and we're well and truly friendzoned now.

We move mostly in the same circles and have a large group of friends and aquaintances.

He's a good friend. Someone who never lets me down, makes me laugh, supportive when I need it, but will tell me harsh truths when I need them too. We also work together on seen common goals. I'd miss him if he wasn't my friend, he adds a lot to my life.

However, recently I've noticed he appears to be enjoying making people think we're a couple (there's always been speculation!). E.g. if we share a lift he'll make sure everyone knows we arrived/left together. He'll "joke" that everyone will assume we're "at it" if we seperate from the crowd at a social thing.

He's made it very clear he doesn't want anything more than friendship, but this is i don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to think they have a chance, isn't it?

Fwiw, I'm not looking for anyone and part of me enjoys this kind of low key "boyfriend experience" without the hassle of a realtionship, but this territorial behaviour is getting on my nerves and I was probably slow to notice

I don't get it. You posted because this guy is overstepping boundaries and making you feel uncomfortable. When people have pointed out that this is not how a good friend behaves, you have said you don't have a problem with it and you'll talk to him.

Could you not have come to that conclusion by yourself then?

Or were you posting for some other reason - to be told he secretly fancies you, maybe? Or given some other kind of validation?

Actually though, you make an interesting point. It has crossed my mind that he could be gay and that's what he's covering with me, although I have no real grounds for that suspicion.

Ok, great, there’s the nuance in the situation. In which case I’d just tell him politely to wind his neck in and stop using you to make his ego feel a bit better whilst he’s going through a shitty separation, as it’s impacting on your ability to support him as a purely platonic friend.

He was contrite but didn't stop means he said what he had to to shut you up but ignored your wishes.
Are you from a very different background to him? Is he a sort of working class "pet"?

I find chatting it through makes things clearer.

I know he's an important friend. I also know I generally have high standards of friends and I'm not necessarily holding this man to them.

Both his behaviour and my response to it is interesting to me.

I think some posters are judging a little harshly, I don't see why you can't be friends with someone although you don't like everything about them. But you absolutely need to say it to him. He may be telling the truth and not want a relationship with you but on some level he enjoys the sense of being in a couple with you and the boundaries are getting blurry. For that reason you need to be firm, make it clear you do not want anything implied or suggested or any reference at all to a potential romantic element. Something like a wink wink gesture to another man behind your back while going out to door for example, that's a deal breaker for you if he wants to continue this friendship. Spell it out so no ambiguity is there.

He did stop what he was doing then. This is different.

No, we actually have very similar backgrounds and career paths.

Ohhhhhh interesting. Do you think you aren’t holding him to your usual high friendship standards as subconsciously you want this jokey charade he’s pulling to be representative of his true feelings, despite your sensible head saying he’s not in a good place to make a good partner? If that’s possible, I’d say pull back right now to a safe distance as your heart/hormones could be driving stronger than your head towards something you know could get messy.

Love a good bit of introspection though OP, it’s good to analyse why you think your response here to him is different and why you are perhaps allowing him to flex your boundaries where you wouldn’t let others.

I don't think I want it to be true, I definitely don't want to become a part of the mess his life is now, and I genuinely enjoy the single life and the freedom to live as I choose. Realistically, I wouldn't have this friendship of I was married!

It's possible I quite like the idea that other people believe "we" could be a possibility. He's an attractive and popular man.

Also, I'm not the sort of person people generally latch onto and he has, he definitely did all the initial work in building the friendship, to me he was just someone I knew iyswim and he went out of his way to help me quite a bit. We do seem to have a connection that you don't come across every day, but ATM that's as valuable to me in a friend as it would be in a romantic partner.

He absolutely wouldn't do that (the wink wink thing) it just could never happen. It's much more subtle than that. Offering me a lift so we arrive together, teaming up on volunteer things. Absolutely legitimate things to do together as friends, but then making sure everyone knows.

I think you need to travel to these things separately for a while, particularly if he gets a kick out of people seeing you arrive and/or leave together.

After all, there will always be some people who think there's no smoke without fire.

I’d have a long hard think about why a man either in the process of exiting (or if before the breakup, thinking of exiting) a relationship has put so much leg work in to building this female friendship and is now is going out of his way to make people think you are a thing.

Yes, that's what I'm doing!

It was definitely after he'd told his kids he was separating, but they're still joined in every practical way.

There is something off, I don't know if it's a straight forward ego boost, to protect himself from other the advances women (lots are circling, he'll be very eligible when he's ready), to hide something (like being gay), to keep me on the back burner, or just he genuinely sees it as a bit of a laugh. If it's a laugh is that because the idea of me and him is ridiculous or to feed the gossips nonsense? Maybe a mixture.

Oh OP, you're overthinking this! 😆

He is married and not yours or anyone else's to have. Now, that may change in the future but at present, he is married.

Don't get sucked in to an ineffective twat's saga.

Has he told his wife they're separating?

Gosh, my almost 52 years has taught me that longterm male friends have done nothing but enrich my life, rather like my female ones.

OP, have a frank conversation and tell him you feel like a lamppost being pissed on as a territory marker, and that you were not put on this planet to boost his ego or provide him with social cover, regardless of whether he’s struggling with the end of his relationship. You’re not his service human, or some kind of backdrop to give him an aura of desirability without the risk or requirement for commitment, sex, effort etc. A good friend will apologise and change his behaviour.

Yes, definitely overthinking, that's what I do.

I know he's not available, I said that., whcih is good for me. Yes his wife definitely knows.

It would make me uncomfortable if people thought I'd jumped into the bed of a freshly separated man. Like I'd been waiting in the wings ready to pounce as soon as he left his wife! He should be concentrating on the bigger issues he has in life right now, not creating some fake scenarios for gossip. Maybe he is at a bit of a loss as the moment, lonely and feeling like his marriage has failed so he's putting on this bravado act of "look at me, ive moved on and I'm not sad" but its affecting you in the process.

Firstly, can I say I love an introspective, thoughtful mn thread.
Too often nowadays it's just sooooo black and white with "stock" responses

So thank you @Squareplate and all most of the responses

My contribution is I'm a riddled and never-was attractive 54 yr old, and male friendships have enhanced all my life, and continue to.

Buuuut, I have a (in my eyes) gorgeous 22 yr old DD.
And I have noticed at least 2 "platonic" male friends getting very snippy/stepping back when she dates someone serious.
Despite neither/all of them wanting her romantically and/or sexually

Sounds like he fancies you and you rather like the ego boost even if your logical brain knows it’s not a starter

most blokes tend not to go to that level
of effort (especially during chaos) unless there is something in it for them

dont get sucked into the breadcrumb game