Baby sleep and going back to work - I'm screwed, right?

[nypon]

Has anyone been in the same boat? Tell me it works out?!

DD will turn 1 in a couple of weeks and has always had a hard time sleeping. Never been able to put her down awake (apart from for naps in the pram or car seat) - she's always had to be (breast)fed or rocked to sleep. "Gentle" sleep training methods like pick up put down or shush pat have never worked - she just gets worked up. Letting her cry for a couple of minutes leads to her getting hysterical. A few months back we resorted to co-sleeping because she effectively wouldn't sleep unless she was being held and it wasn't safe. I was on my knees from broken sleep.

I had always planned to wean her from breastfeeding and get her in her own cot by the time I went back to work at a year but at the moment I just feel a bit trapped. Co-sleeping has saved my sanity as I've finally had some continuous sleep of at least a couple of hours between brief wakings, but I never saw it as a long term solution that would be compatible with work. I'm a lawyer and found it difficult on a lack of sleep even pre-DD.

Argh - just really not sure where to go from here! Thank you for any wise words.

I'm so sorry. It's rough. And I can't tell you what to do because nothing worked with DD. She finally started sleeping through, like a rock, at 2 years old. I attribute her now legendary powers of sleep to not harshly sleep training her. But it's hell.

She's ruined my sleep now and I still have insomnia!

My baby is the same and I’ve just gone back to work. We’ve co-slept since about 12 weeks old as it was the safest way for us all to get adequate sleep. No sleep advice applies to her. She now wakes 2-3 times a night. Some nights are better, some are worse. I have a professional role as well. It’s been tough going back but somehow you cope, shit tons of coffee helps.

Is she starting nursery? I’ve actually found that has improved her sleep, the first couple weeks she was only waking once in the night then straight back to sleep. This week has been really hard because she’s been poorly so sleep has been awful again. I’ve been going to bed at 9pm it’s the only way. Pretty miserable but hopefully not for long!

Actually, I would say it’s worth trying some gentle sleep training again if you haven’t for a while. She was completely not responding to it the first time we tried but we tried again a few months later and it was tough but did work a bit better so she does at least do the first part of the night on her own in the cot.

Ive been in the same position. My DC still wakes each night, when I went back to work he was waking 2-3 times now it’s usually one thank fully, I work long shifts and it was really hard. It’s still hard now but over time they will start sleeping better.

How is your DD at napping? If she won’t nap without you I’d try the sleep training again as she will need to nap at nursery/ with family (wherever she’s going). If she naps fine I’d just carry on co sleeping.

Ooh yep I'm in the same sleepy boat! I've two boys aged 6 and 2. Both my boys couldn't get on board with being left for a few mins to cry and then patted etc, they would just get absolutely hysterical really quickly. They responded only to cuddles, co sleeping etc. What can I say - I just obviously can't make babies that sleep through early 🤣 I went back to work by the time both were 1 and somehow we managed. Eldest is a perfect sleeper now although it took until we were well through the toddler years. Youngest is 2, only co-sleeping works at the moment so I'm just going with that for now. I'm finding it really hard to wean him off night breastfeeding, daytime is ok. If I refuse at night he just screams loudly until almost sick sometimes which then wakes our eldest (and probably all our neighbours) - so I also feel trapped there but have resigned myself to just going with it for my sanity and he'll wean off gradually I hope. Sorry not much advice! We cope with early nights and lots of coffee. I've become quite a morning person though and can be very productive in the early hours. But after 7/8pm I'm done!

I thought I’d post to similarly offer support. I’m in the same boat as most above- back at work, still co-sleeping and feeding back to sleep etc etc. It’s tiring and hard, but somehow doable? I have gone back 4 days though, and on my day at home I usually try sleep when he naps.

I’m actually glad to have not changed anything up too much sleep wise for my son now in hindsight… with starting care and the germs that has bought along and teething molars I think giving up the really rock solid, reliable, comforts for him would have actually meant less sleep for him and me. I feed to sleep at home but nursery pat him to sleep and that works for him there!

Perhaps see how the transition back to work goes and then weigh up sleep options then?

My 5 year old was a terrible sleeper. And an early riser -430-5am every single day

We tried everything. Nothing worked. Spent years as a zombie. We used to take it in turns to nap on a weekend so we could function.

He grew out of it at the start of this year, started sleeping through and staying in his own bed! Now he only gets up once or twice a week and sleeps in til 6am

My 10 year old on the other hand slept through from 17 weeks and loves her bed.

It's brutal I have no advice as nothing worked, you have my sympathy

I was in the same boat twice - also a lawyer with non sleeping babies!

In both cases I resigned myself to not trying to change anything in the run up to or first few months back at work - it’s a big enough transition as it is. Also you will likely have a bit of a ramp up period when you go back, so can cope a bit better with lack of sleep than if you were full throttle. I carried on bf during this period. I think I had managed to get both into cots for the first chunk of sleep but then they were coming into the bed after their first wake up.

After about 3 months (after return to work) I nightweaned by going cold turkey. Sent DH in with a cup of water when they woke up. Honestly it took about 3 nights of broken sleep (for DH!) and they accepted it and SLEPT THROUGH. DC1 in particular was the most high needs baby but yet adapted absolutely fine. I carried on doing morning and bedtime feeds with both of them for a good few months afterwards - I think I stopped bf at 16 months with dc1 and 20 months dc2.

It does get a lot easier after they turn 1, are eating lots in the day and you realise the night stuff is just habit. For now I would say don’t put any pressure on yourself.

Just to add, it was absolutely essential that DH did the night weaning so that they knew bf wasn’t an option.

DH would cuddle them, rock them, lie beside the cot and pat them etc. There was a lot of crying but they were never alone or not comforted. Quite clearly they were just pissed off that they weren’t getting the usual milk bar! And as I said they very very quickly stopped waking up for it completely.

I still fed both kids to sleep when putting them down for the night so don’t feel you need to crack that as well.

Also, just to add our set up. Our son is 19 months, I went back to work when he was 13 months. He starts his night in his own room, I feed to sleep on a floor bed- we have a very firm double mattress designed for kids with no blankets or cushions. It’s surrounded by soft floor matting (we have a tiled house, in Australia) and rugs. We have hardly anything else in his room in the off chance he gets out of bed, but if he wakes he usually calls out for me. He sleeps in the for his first stretch, then when he wakes he comes into bed with me for the rest of the night. This gives me a stretch to read/watch something and have some time sleeping in whatever position I want!

Sometimes that first stretch is long and I can get a good chunk of “by myself sleep”, sometimes (like if he’s unwell) it’s shorter.

Same here. And DD 1 also has legendary powers of sleep. She's at university now but I still shudder when I think about how tired I was. I used to drive past a particular hotel in the way to work and dream about calling in sick and then booking into the hotel for the day to sleep.
And the smug brigade who tell you their baby slept through from birth really don't help.
However, you do get through it somehow. And then a few years later the menopause hits and your sleep is ruined again....

At 1 year she should be sleeping through most nights apart from illness, teething, hot nights etc. Honestly, if you can't function in your job co sleeping there's no option but to sleep train.

Thank you, everyone - so sorry to hear that many of you have/had troubled sleep 💐 I really appreciate all your responses. Whilst I'd hoped things might somehow improve by this point, it sounds like the 1 year mark might be a bit of an arbitrary cut off with some of our babies and it might not be the worst thing to just carry on as we are and make the changes a bit more gradually. She will indeed be going to nursery and a friend whose DC went to the same one said they were good with sleep issues, so perhaps we wait for a bit of feedback from them too.

Just thinking aloud, then, I suppose my immediate priority is to finish weaning her off daytime feeds over these next few weeks (she's pretty much there anyway), and then perhaps see if we can get her back in the cot for the start of the night at least. Will have a good chat with DH today to make sure we're on the same page for when things inevitably get a bit rough - I think in some ways it's going to be a harder adjustment for him because I took all the nights when it was just him working.

I don't mean to be combative, but did you have a half decent sleeper by any chance? 😅 I agree that she "should" in that statistically most babies will be doing much longer stretches by this point, but increasingly I think she's just in the bit of the bell curve that won't. We've tried the main approaches to training (including letting her cry a bit) and she just gets worked up to the point that nobody sleeps.

I also think a lot of sleep theories aren't that compatible with breastfeeding. Sure, you get BF babies that go down like a dream and bottle fed babies that struggle, but by and large bottle feeding seems to lend itself a bit more to a sleep routine. I'm done beating myself up over sleep.

@nypon on the daytime feeds, I didn’t even bother weaning the kids off these. They and my boobs adjusted immediately to not feeding when I wasn’t with them. They fed during the day at weekends but not during the week when I was at work. For the first few weeks after I went back I would give them a feed as soon as I got in the door and then another at bedtime, but quickly went down to just bedtime (and then morning).

It’s amazing how adaptable our bodies and babies can be. I never leaked, felt uncomfortable or had to pump at work.

I bf mine. But I did let them cry when I knew they were no longer hungry and had been weaned They were a lot happier for sleeping through as was I. Give it a proper go and see what happens.

Really agree with this OP. I also find I’m so much happier when I forget about ‘shoulds’ and focus on what we all need and works for our family.

I had three, first and last were 4 years old before they slept through......the 'good one' was 11 mths🤦‍♀️ all breastfed til the same time (just under a year) so that didn't make a difference just temperment that did and the fact that the middle one seemed to need more sleep and would self settle in his cot by one year old! I think you just have to get sleep anyway you can, by the third I gave up on what anybody said and put a double and single mattress together on the floor......whatever gets you through!!

I co slept with my daughter until she was just over 2, then she went into her own room but still woke every night around 3ish and got into bed with us.

We'be both been having a hard time in recent months as I am pregnant and have HG, she is almost 3.5 and is sleeping with me at the moment so we can maximise sleep, but also I stopped nursing her to sleep a few months ago and co sleeping has helped with that.

Never imagined I'd co sleep but something like 80% parents do at some point so you're not alone, my daughter is very confident and I am sure has a secure attachment, but she has explained to me she gets scared at night when she's alone so this is where we are now.

If you're getting sleep try not to worry too much or give yourself a hard time, your daughter is still very young it won't always be like this.

I also didn't night wean until 2 but she was only waking once by that point

I completely understand what you’re going through. The longest mine ever slept for the first 8-9 months was 3 hours, it was torture. We decided to sleep train as I was going back to work and co sleeping wasn’t working anymore either.
We done our normal nighttime routine (bath, pj’s, bottle and then sleeping bag) and then popped him in his cot for 5 mins and leave the room. Then once 5 mins had gone, we’d go and reassure him (not picking him up) and then leave again for another 5 mins and we continued this until he’d settled. I’m not going to lie, I sobbed the first night as it felt so unnatural but by night 3-4 we started to see some real differences. By the end of the week he was sleeping through by himself in his own cot. We used the same 5 minute routine for night wake ups too.

My sympathies. It is hell. I went back to work just after he turned 1, and was also EBF (he wouldn't take a bottle). He woke 8x a night, and could only go to sleep with my boob. I wasn't thinking straight at work, specially my memory. At 16 months we finally got a professional sleep trainer / child psychologist, and they helped me cut down the BF to just once or twice in the daytime, none at night, which in turn helped his sleep enormously. Within 3-4 nights he was 'only' waking 2-3 times (horrayy!!), but best of all he could be settled by my DP, which meant I could finally have longer sleep stretches.
We were never able to properly sleep train, but just cutting the BF at night made a huge change.
Good luck! It is absolutely grueling.

I would advise you stop the breast feeding and hire a nanny for 3 days solid to break this cycle. She will have her sleeping through with a bottle at ten but you will have to hand her over and let her do this. It will involve some crying but you want a solution

My 2.5 year old wasn’t ever supposed to cosleep; and I was going to wean at one. We got to two with no signs of stopping… I nightweaned then, but he still wakes. It didn’t make a difference for us. At 2 he was still waking 4 times a night. He hasn’t accepted Daddy settling him since a year old; so I’ve had to do all of those wakes.

He now wakes once or twice a night, and runs into our room to sleep with us around midnight.

I’ve been back at work since he was 8 weeks old. Sometimes it’s really tough, but you do get used to it, and it does get better.

Both of mine only started sleeping through when I stopped breastfeeding at 10 months. It took about 2 weeks for them to transition and realise there was no point waking up because they weren’t going to get milk. Might be worth a try?