Big age gap, how do you know if you should have another child?

[WhyCantPeopleBeNice]

For anyone who has grown up/ older teens, kids at uni - that has gone on to have another child. How do you decide?
I have a 20 and 18 year old.
18 year old due to go to uni in September and I think I'm pregnant so the time for logical thought out decision is not quite there.

I'm terrified to do a test because I'm not sure I know how to respond.
So, how did you decide?
Is it logical? Emotional? Does anyone regret their choice either way?

There is 16 and 18 years between dp and his siblings. He is quite close but more if a close aunt relationship I think then sibling.

Also have some neighbours with a big gap. The youngest is 10 while the older 2 are early 20s. Was chatting to the mum one night and she said the gap wasn't intential it just took them that long to conceive and the younger one is quite close to their der siblings.

I think if you want another go for it. I had my kids later so in my late 30s and having that bit more financial security has made it somewhat easier then people i know who had them earlier and struggled a bit more

There is no right or wrong answer. What do you want to do. But I think you need to take the test to see where you are.

I wouldn't ever continue with an unplanned pregnancy, personally. There's a reason why I wasn't trying to conceive.

I know two women with this kind of gap. Both because they had one unplanned child very young, raised him/her by themselves and didn't really get back into dating till that child was a teenager. Then they had a baby, or in one case, two babies, in a new relationship.

Having my first 2 was incredibly hard. I was young, stupid and in an abusive relationship

My now husband and I discussed a few years ago having one of our own, then my children's biological Dad got very sick and has ended up with severe brain damage. We did think he would pass and felt trying for a baby would be terrible at a time my children were struggling and we just never went back to it.

I've never had a time without children - a small part of me is looking forward to the idea of weekends away and working out who I am but there's another part that can't stop thinking about how different it could be this time

I have an 8 year gap between my elder son and younger son. They have always got on well. Now both as adults very well.

Forget the age gap. Its kinda irrelevant. If you have another and they are close, great. If they aren't, its not really an issue tbh.

Its about whether you want to go through it all again or not or whether you think you are ready for another life stage.

And there is the problem, I have no idea if I can do it all again, I know it would be totally different this time and that is so appealing.
Raising a child with someone supportive, with a stable home, actually being able to spend time with a child instead of constantly on a schedule balancing work, nursery, school/worrying about money....yet this isn't a few years, this is 18+ years.This is teenage years again when I'm mid 50s
We'd talked in the past about fostering when both children had moved out
We'd talked about grandchildren in 10ish years

I had no idea what I was getting into at 18 - the logical part tells me I should move on with my life. The emotional part is wanting this.

I should probably add, my husband so far has only discussed the cost. Can we afford this with a child at uni whom were covering the accommodation costs for.
The reality is more, are we willing to sacrifice our current lifestyle/free money - we both have expensive hobbies that would be cut back on, but I see it more as we'd be pausing/cutting back in one area and choosing to spend in another.

I have a large gap between mine, and my first dc was with my ex , and younger dcs with my now dh. I wasn't sure I wanted anymore, until I did. Lots of families have large age gaps , whether planned or unplanned.

What sticks out to me from your posts is that your dh has only mentioned cost . That makes me think he isn't expecting having a child to impact his life in anyway other than financial.

I have a 19 year age gap. I had DC1 as a single parent, then DC2 with current DH. It was a very different experience and I'm glad I got to have a child with DH. Honestly, I'm not sure if I would have wanted to do it in your situation, as it is more like doing the same thing over again.

The gap has been fine, DC1 is autistic and still lives at home, won't go to uni etc. So the dc very much have a relationship. If your dc are independent and likely to move out soon it will just be you with the baby and they'd grow up mostly as an only child unless you have more.

I am pretty happy with having spent most of my life raising dc - but then I was unhappy at work so I was pleased to become a sahm. If you have more work ambitions you might find it frustrating yo be held back with all the childcare demands and restrictions.

I just reread and see that your DH isn't your dc's dad, so it is a bit more similar to my situation. What I would say is that having DC2 was very easy and a much more pleasant experience compared to DC1 - having the support from DH and plenty of money behind us.

@senarrn do you ever feel guilt towards your first child?
One of my worries, is I feel I'd be a much better Mum this time. I'd have more patience, more time, I could give another so much more. Is it ok to give another child a very different upbringing?

Personally I wouldn't do it again, I am just getting my life back a little with two teenagers. No way do I want to be doing this again in my fifties!
I want to be going on luxury weekends away without worrying about kids and their needs. I would terminate in your situation but I'm not you!

I couldn’t do it- That’s going right back to the beginning again, and schools seem to be like the seventh circle of hell these days unless you can afford a good independent.

I have 21 years between my two DDs. I had DD1 at 19, as a single parent. Then met DH when I was mid-30s and we had DD2 when I was 39 (a week off 40).

I always knew I wanted more children and I am so thankful that I had DD2. It is lovely to be able to parent again in a different way. We have a nice house, I have a career, we have structure. I don't feel that DD1 was deprived because whilst things were different, we also had so many adventures that I can't do now with DD2. With DD1 I went backpacking around South East Asia with her when she was 4. She came with me to festivals. We had (and still have) a super close relationship. She also had the benefit of having a wonderful relationship with my mother (who had advanced dementia by the time I had DD2, and who died before DD2 turned two).

Most people think I'm crazy to have started again, but it's been brilliant. DD1 adores her little sister. She's like a second mother.

@WhyCantPeopleBeNice No, not guilt because I know I did the best job I could with DC1. Plus he would always have had a different upbringing, as an autistic child, and as a boy (DC2 is a girl).