How do you stop yourself from being hurt by teens??

[F1G]

My teen is really struggling. I feel like I hurt when she hurts and I feel every emotion!

She's being so horrible and shutting me out. She's been crying all morning and it's alll so difficult, she looks at me like she hates me.

How do you stop feeling so hurt by them? She was the loveliest child

Why is she crying? Obviously something is really upsetting her - she’s only lashing out at you as she sees you as a comfort person, it’s nothing personal and will just be from frustration at whatever situation she is going through.

She still is a lovely child and the lovely side will be more apparent again in future.

Going back to absolute animal instincts basics, teenagers are designed to push their parents away as they get ready to be independent from them.

Also, think about hormones. I know I'm more prone to taking things the wrong way, getting upset, angry or anxious when I have PMT. Teenage girls are dealing with a surge of unfamiliar hormones all the while trying to navigate school and social life which I think is harder than ever thanks to smart phones.

I don't have a teenager yet but I'm observing my friends who do have teenagers and trying to bottle every positive example of the parents managing to show love, patience, support whilst maintaining any boundaries that are absolutely necessary while their teenagers are all over the place and take all of their grief out on their parents (because they can).

I know that when I get to it I will really struggle to practise what I preach but using the approach described above I've seen extremely turbulent relationships between mums and teens become honestly wonderful relationships when they come out the other side so most of all, don't feel like all is lost and try not to take any attacks personally.

Try and practice self care and model it so you feel like you’re looking after yourself and showing her how to do it.

Teen years can be super stressful but it really is like driving through bad weather - you feel like the angst and moods are never going to end, but it does. Just do your best - everyone feels like they are cocking up their parenting sometimes and are overwhelmed by the feelings of their children.

My learning from the teenage years: it’s not all about solving problems for them. Sometimes all they want to know is that you are there alongside them during the hard stuff, ready to listen, able to not go off at the deep end. Just being there is not about being the only thing you can do - it can be the best thing you can do.

But look after yourself, use teen section on mumsnet for lots of useful advice. It will pass and in the meantime, take care x

If she senses she is also responsible for your happiness and peace of mind, she may on some level feel overwhelmed or resentful.

Struggling with this too. Trying to rise above it at the moment and hope she comes out the other side.

My son once didn’t come home when we were due to go out for a meal for my birthday, because he ‘Couldn’t be bothered with it.’

He also once told me to ‘Fuck off and die.’

Both (and more) during his teenage years.

He is the loveliest man now, with a child of his own, and is extremely self reflective.

He would be really upset if he knew I remembered those things because that’s not who he is.

Hang in there and model love in response; this will pass. Xx

I do hope things improve soon for your dd - it’s often such a difficult time.

But IMO it’s pretty normal for it to affect you. I’ve heard it said that you’re only ever as happy as your unhappiest child. I know I’ve been so unhappy for them, when either dd was having a bad time for whatever reason - perhaps especially when one of them was in tears on the phone from the extreme south of NZ - all down to the wretched BF I’d said never to get back together with! Thank God he was very soon history.

Thank you for your wise words. It feels so hard to see her like this.