Anyone else grow up with judgemental/bitchy parents?

[Whistles99]

And now have kids of their own?

I’ve started noticing little (negative) comments here and there that my parents vocalise about people they’ve just met or seen. I know as humans we sometimes “judge” people but I think verbalising it out loud brings a whole new negative element to it.

Probably highlighted more now that I have children of my own that I don’t want thinking this is ok behaviour. Learning how to call my (sometimes emotionally immature) parents out on it, despite growing up in an environment where I was not encouraged to speak up. It’s actually really hard. They kindly help us out with childcare, which I’m appreciative of. But, As if parenting my own kids is hard enough, I feel like having emotionally immature parents just makes the journey that bit harder 😔

Yes, very much so. Judgemental comments were totally normalised. It's something I've spoken about with friends and they also recall similar - I do wonder if it was more common in our parents generation, along with a keeping up with the Jones mentality.

I'm very conscious not to replicated it with my own children, it's a very ugly trait.

My boomer DM 71 is shocking for this. Judgemental, bigoted, assumptive. I call her out on it all the time as it's highly unnecessary, inappropriate and mean-spirited. Being quite narrow-minded with zero compassion or empathy is the issue I think (reading the DM and Bible doesn't help) but I do see some envy thrown in as well at times. It's very important that we stop this behaviour filtering down if we can.

Exactly that @pastaandpesto. I’m trying to teach my kids that unless someone is unkind to us, we have no reason to be unkind people. Then there’s my parents who will comment on someone’s looks or presentation when they walk past. It’s draining. Definitely a generational thing, yet another cycle for us to break 🤣

I was never taught to speak up for what I believed in, I’m met with a sort of what I can only explain as an “mini adult tantrum” rather than “oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” so it’s bloody hard going against the grain and calling them out but you’re so right, it needs to not be filtered down as it’s an awful trait to have

My own daughters now pick it up in their grandparents and comment to me about how inappropriate their comments are. So hopefully the cycle is broken when the grandkids know what is and isn't appropriate.

Yes my DM was like this but she was an entitled narcissist. Everyone including me was judged. She wasn't nice about anyone. She was always prettier, younger, taller, slimmer, had better clothes and hair, more intelligent, more travelled, better at everything. No she was not.

I went NC with her but one of her last comments to me was how her "best friend from school" (she hadn't seen her in ages and whenever I witnessed their interactions it wasn't the kind of friendships I have) was stupid to look after her DGC so much. My DM never once spent an hour on her own with my DS.

How could you negatively judge someone for wanting to spend time with their own DGC?

This is the same friend who has a successful marriage whilst my DM didn't. But according to my DM she had always been very fat.

Oh yes my Mother 74, and Father 76 do it all the time, usually in a loud voice as well, it's embarrassing and I don't want it around my 13 year old either.

I recognise this, I grew up in the 1950/60s. For my working class, Tory voting Mother. It was about knowing your place and being polite and exhibiting good manners.
Any casual behaviour shouting or not having clean (scrubbed) children when out would be commented on.

My Mum was, she was a snob and especially hated women. I don't recall her every complimenting another woman or saying anything nice about one unless she did it in such a way it was obvious she didn't mean it.
She wasn't very nice to her Grand daughters (the boys could do no wrong) and DD18 has mostly negative memories of her unfortunately.
Its sad becuse I think she did love us all and would do anything for us but she had a very difficult unbringing and being attractive was one thing she did have if that makes sense? She saw all other women as competition

Yes, oh my god yes
Happy enough to comment on people's appearance, how much they weigh etc. behind their backs. She possibly has OCD around cleaning, and every time I went to a friends house when I was a teen I was bombarded with questions about the cleanliness of their houses when I got home. Exhausting! (She's mid 60's)

I was never taught to speak up for what I believed in either, quite the opposite, but I spoke up anyway, with the same results you described. In fact, from a young age I was met with abuse for speaking up. I'm 46 and I still get the sulks or am stonewalled for months if I call things out. I don't care, it's the right thing to do.

Nobody teaches you to speak up, it's just something you decide to do (or not) in accordance with your own principles. Your judgy/bitchy family certainly aren't going to teach you, that's for sure.

thats amazing, I’m really pleased for you. It gives me hope. As you’ve pointed out, I was not taught this nor brought up to be like this. I’m literally having to go against everything I grew up with and learnt, it’s really difficult but I am working extremely hard to break through it. Being half your age gives me hope that by the time I am 46, I’ll be further along the journey and at the same stage as you

My mother had to criticise or find something nasty to say about every single person she saw or met. Walking down the street it would be comments on a woman being too fat to wear that outfit or why are those people buying that house - they can't afford it.

Growing up, I thought this was normal so I began to do it. It wasn't until somebody cut me off completely at uni and I found out later it was because she was fed up of me speaking about people all the time that I stopped.

Later on I told her how nasty she'd been but she wouldn't buy it. I now feel really bad for the people I was horrible to/about and can't apologise to.