How do you manage fear of missing out FOMO?

[Gnosticluxx]

I feel I've lost 20 years of my life because of 1 bad decision. Now 61, I find I have no friends locally (still, after 20 years), am not still, earning enough to save any money, still renting and my daughter, who's soon to be 21, has had 1 holiday in her life with myself and my partner, and that was when she was 3. Many of my friends have a couple of holidays a year, enjoy semi retirement and have full social lives. The last time I went out with a friend was August when I travelled to London for a couple of days. The last time I had x holiday was 2007. I feel lost and quite alone in the world. I constantly feel angry and upset that my life consists of work (mostly from home and long hours as I now work weekends to help pay bills), cooking, cleaning etc... I sleep poorly and have lost a considerable amount of weight. I have seen my GP re weightloss and mild anxiety and depression and had 3 session of talk therapy, which I felt was of little use as the counsellor advised seeing friends more.
Am I the only one feeling like this? It seems to have been for so long, like the worst middle aged malaise .

If you could only change one thing about your current lifestyle what would it be?

What do you think has triggered you to be affected like this recently? Did something change? Or has it just been a realisation?

@ByCupidStunt I would move back to london (moved to Yorkshire in 2004.) I would be closer to friends, although recently s few have moved abroad, there are still many people I know, grew up with or connected with.

I'm guessing that's the one bad decision you spoke about in your OP then?

Is moving back possible?

In stead of looking back, start looking forward. you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.

Nake small changes.

1. contact a friend and arrange to meet up for coffee, walk in the park etc

1. start a new hobby - walking, WI. (Or other friendship group)

1. volunteer somewhere - it’ll get you out, meeting new friends etc

The weather is nice, find a footpath, country park etc locally and go for a half an hour walk. Fresh air and exercise is good for the body and soul.

I remember hearing about someone once who started going live dancing in local village hall. She lost a ton of weight, developed new friendships, and even started doing displays, all from being brave one evening and stepping through those village hall doors.

Also, stop making that decision define your life. It doesn’t. What you do now, does.

@PunchyLunchy I've felt it since around 2010, it abated during lockdown but has become far worse recently. Its worse in the summer and Christmas, when I see all my pals on holiday or enjoyingChristmasparties snd NYE shenanigans. I feel like part of my life has been stolen. I'm a sociable creature and I've spent so much of my time alone since around 2005/2006. I do things like join online book clubs and use Reddit a lot to discuss topics I'm interested in with other people. I've had some good jobs, but recently was stuck in a job for 11 years that I was exceptionally good at but who were not flexible with me - I broke my arm badly in January, could not drive the 2 hours there commute and they refused to let me do some work from home as they thought i might be watching Netflix (i was in a senior managementposition.) I found another job, minus the commute but less pay, which, to be fair, is working out well. I feel like I want to go back in time, I feel like I've lost so much. To make myself feel better, and to better my physical and mental health, I'm doing HIIT and weights at home.

Which type of Yorkshire are you in? Leeds/Bradford or other urban areas or a rural bit?
I have felt like this in the past and I joined WI, I didn’t make lots of friends but it gave me people to chat to and there were meetings and other outings to join in with.
I know you probably won’t want to but o think you’ll start to feel a bit better and then more will come right for you.

I know everyone says it, so it's hardly original... but I have made friends at swimming and exercise classes and also my local WI. It takes time, obviously, but it's been great in my late 50s to make new groups of friends.

Not looking back, only looking ahead also helps. There's no point comparing yourself to others nor to ruminate over poor decisions.

CBT takes the position that you are where you are (vastly oversimplifying, but you get my drift) so what can you do change? That perspective has helped me focus and find positives when I've felt ground down by my situation.

It seems a bit much to attribute all of your woes in life to one "mistake", which I presume is moving from London to Yorkshire. What led you to make that move in the first place? Is that reason still keeping you there?

You say you are/were senior mangement but struggle for money, why is this?

There is a lot to unpack but there are changes you can make without moving - have you heard the saying "wherever you go, there you are"? Basically this isn't about where you live.

You say you moved twenty years ago and you enviously see your old friends getting together. Don’t forget, their lives have moved on as well. It won’t be the same friendship groups as twenty years ago, and Facebook photos only show peoples best sides. They may not actually meet regularly in real life, hence posting pictures when they do, as it’s a special event.

Thank you everyone. I live in a urban part of South Yorkshire and there isn't a great deal to do. I do work fairly long hours, which is OK and I don't mind. I work in the charity sector so my salary is pretty low despite being (in my last post) a senior management role. My partner does not work currently and has found it hard to find and hold down a job. We moved from London owing to financial pressures- my partner lost his job, couldn't find another, our daughter was getting older and we needed 2 bedrooms. We stayed with his parents in West Yorkshire until I found us a house not too far away. I have found it very hard to make friends, and believe me, I have tried, but financial difficulties and my partner developing mental health issues has made it harder. Eventually, I just felt excluded, lost confidence (I had a period of time in 2010 -2011 where I didn't work) and I became quite introverted. I do still see my best friend since childhood once a year as I go to London and stay over. I recently joined an evening yoga class, but couldn't keep it up owing to being busy at work unexpectedly and missing 3 sessions as I was not in Yorkshire on those days, but I'm booked in to go next Thursday evening.
I do constantly feel like I make excuses (I was invited out to a bottomless brunch recently but not having spare money for the train fare, overnight stay etc was the reason I did not ho, but I could have used my overdraft but felt scared to.)
My old friends keep in touch, have invited me to holidays etc... but I just don't go.

I do have one really good thing going for me. I appear a lot younger than I am. This is partly to do with my shape that allows me to dress quite youthfully. I've always been into music, so I do, when I can, like going to gigs and Glastonbury is keeping me entertained this weekend. I'm an avid reader and I've joined online bookclubs and I enjoy a good walk when I can. I did join the WI a few years ago after covid, but I had very little in common with people - I worked full time, was not a methodist, wasn't keen on some of the events they had on, it was rather old fashioned, despite a friend of mine saying her WI in Crystal Palace was really exciting and forward thinking, I imagined the nearest one to me might be quite good. My partner says I make it hard on myself because I'm different. But I just feel old and spent. Sorry for the pity party, but feeling very list right now.

Hope you’re enjoying Glastonbury (I’m watching it also).
Can you find a real life bookclub - maybe see if the local library has one or ask on local Facebook page?

If you like music, see if local pubs have gigs. If so, go along with dp and watch. It’ll only cost you the cost of a drink, and could just be something cheaper, like coke.

Glastonbury makes everyone feel better. Have you had counselling? It can't be just one mistake, probably many. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Moving on, what can you change now? To make it better?

@Springwatch123 PJ Harvey😍 Idles 😍
There is a real life bookclub in the town, but I work so I cannot go. The local pubs are mostly micro breweries and ive not seen bands in the area that are not cover heavy metal bands - better free music stuff in Leeds, Sheffield and Manchester. The best day I had last year was going on the big dog walk with hundreds of people when Nial Harbeson (Thai dog rescuer) organised a walk in a Manchester park. I live in a village close to an urban area, it's quite a deprived area but I'm lucky enough to live in a nice village. I no longer tend to bond with people like I used to. My old school friends have all reconnected again. I don't see them as i don't live near, but I'm constantly comparing myself to them. They have their own homes, holidays, friends (a small group of my v close pals have mini breaks to Italy or Marakech), they don't bother asking me because they know I can't go. They do still email me or call me occasionally (well, ond does) and I call them. I think I've lost my social skills. Even my best friends daughters boyfriend has been out to Italy twice with my friend and her daughter, to see one of our old school friends. It makes me feel uninteresting. I also get upset to see my friends in nice clothes etc.im lucky enough to have a youthful shape which means I can buy teenager sized clothes, which is good, because I can't afford COS etc. I'm really not sure if FOMO for me is just depression that I've not recognised how bad it is.

How are you seeing all this to get fomo is it social media? I may be wrong but if it is maybe do yourself a favour and delete it!?

You can always keep messenger and whatnot for contacts but if you're anything like me I get Horrible fomo - & a strange kind of longing/envy - whenever I go on social media and see what everyone is doing that I'm not, even if i don't really if I'm honest wasn't too be doing that!! It's awful for it and I regret it every time!

@Oblomov24 yes, I've had telephone counselling twice as I was referred by my GP. It was fine, nothing l didn't already know but both times I was told to improve my social life and I was made to feel guilty that I was in this position, if that makes sense. I guess I've just become lonely and isolated over time and not fully realised it. I do feel I'm not as outgoing as I used to be, I had a big circle of friends, I went out a lot, people remembered me, now I'm almost a drinking violet because im scared of revealing anything about myself as ive not thrived. I'm worried I'll never get to go on holiday with my daughter before I die (I used to say, before she grew up.) Someone once said - I love your social media pages, your photos of food and your book stuff is great, but I never see you and your family making memories - that phrase 'making memories' grates on me.

@HumanbyDesign I have thought of that, but I've made good connections with people and I'm on a lot of groups I get a lot from. My friends rarely post on social media because they are too busy, but when they do, they are doing things I can only dream of. My v good friend said she felt I should disconnect from the people we know irl on social media because she felt my life had become so disappointing for me that seeing people I know doing things I desperately want to do will eventually badly harm me. I do feel guilty about not trying hard enough to get better jobs so that I can better support my family, feel better about myself and stop worrying about not achieving enough. I'm horribly distracted by everything all the time.

I came across this thread and it really resonated. I know it’s been a year since this thread but how are you feeling now? I hope things are working out better for you x