So why are you still here?

[Roundandback]

Sat in my car this morning just wishing I could disappear.

The only thing that stops me is my niece. Seeing her school bag in the footwell and knowing the damage it would do keeps me here.

Staying alive to protect her suffocates me but it is the only option.

So what is it that keeps you here?

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Please do stick around for your niece, but also for your future self when things may well be better.

If you don’t mind saying, what is making you feel like this? What are you protecting your niece from? Sounds like she is lucky to have you.

Losing my DH at age 29. I'm grateful for every day I've been blessed with life since, even the crppy days. Others aren't so lucky to be given the gift of a full life.
I can't understand people who don't value the goft of being here.
If things in life are making you unhappy make changes.

Ah, thank you - I hadn't thought about trying to change things.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.
But it sounds as though OP is going through a horrible time, for whatever reason. And sometimes people feel despair and as though they don't have the power to change things.
Do you have any one to talk to in real life OP.? Somebody who can help share your burden?

Just protecting her from the pain of losing a family member and by being here continue to be a positive presence.

I really don't know sometimes. I would be quite happy to disappear right now

I’m sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Me too.

@Roundandback I'm so sorry you feel like this. Your niece is so lucky to have you, not just for what you do for her but simply by you existing and being her aunty.

What help do you have at the moment? GP? Meds? MH crisis team?

Oh gosh: sorry to hear you are feeling like this OP
Keep that little backpack in your mind
She needs you. Your sibling needs you
There are many other people who would be devastated if you were no longer around
Please look for help

Apart from people.

I want to know more things, I want to read oh thousands of books but at the moment I am particularly interested in the development of philosophy.

I know there are many awful people in positions of power but if you look between the cracks in newspapers there are developments in cancer vaccines, other planets that look like they might have water oh all sorts of things that still make me marvel at the curiosity and pursuit of some humans to push our global knowledge in all directions.

Even though football really isn't my thing I would love to see the England Team just once lift a trophy in my lifetime.

Because when I have felt despair before looking back, it was always worth battling on. Not all days but some days ahead are better than they are now.

Try a book in nature, not scary out in the woods nature, but a safe, sunny park, blanket under a tree, book for the afternoon over the weekend.

Im so sorry you are struggling and please reach out to services or the many online support services I’m sure MN will be along to share some links.
i have been were you are and have had an almost completed suicide I was very lucky to be found and I’m now grateful that I was saved. It hasn’t been easy since but I have found MH services to be great and I still have support from them.

Hi Roundandback,

We're sorry you're feeling this way.

We can see you're already getting some good support from other Mumsnetters, but we thought we'd add a link to our Mental Health resources, for you and anyone else who's feeling low. There are many organisations listed which could give you some support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

We also wanted to let you know about a text service called Shout - please click on this link for further information - giveusashout.org. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who's struggling to cope. They can help with a range of issues including anxiety and depression or if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Sending good wishes.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way.

For now, @Roundandback, your niece is giving you a reason to be here until you can see things a little more clearly.

Her life is all the better for you being in it. You are both there for one another. She won’t be the only one who feels that you are so important to this life.

If you can, seek help. Sometimes just to be heard helps. Better in real life but here might help too.

I’m hoping the words here from others are helping. I’m no use at comforting words or magic remedies, but sometimes (when you feel you are in the depths of despair) something little and beautiful will happen to lift your heart when you least expect it - just enough to keep you going.

🌻