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Original poster

Someone is trying to compete with me for my friends affection

16 replies

greyrainbows · 27/06/2024 20:01

This is a weird one as I'm aware the topic makes me sound like I'm 12 years old!

Essentially I've had a best friend since we were children, we're in our thirties now. She has another friend who I've spent a bit of time with but I'm not overly close with her. She's always been nice enough.

Recently though it's like she's trying to compete with me or out-friend me, for example trying to one up me all the time to be a better friend or something. It's so strange! Im not a schoolgirl and most definitely am not interested in trying to compete with her or anything. She keeps overly referring to my best friend as her best ever friend etc and it's all rather odd.. I buy her a birthday gift, she goes out and buys her a more elaborate version of the same thing etc. it's so odd, I have no issue with my friend having other friends of course, as I do too.. but this feels all a bit immature like she wants to have my spot or something!

I'm mostly just leaving things as they are and wondering if I should just take some space from my best friend and let her decide what she wants to do.. but I don't want to be part of this awkward competitive triangle so much!

Should I just let it be and maybe accept that she is a package deal now, or just make some new friends 😂 it's just a really weird way for a thirty year old to behave in my mind!

OP posts:
CruCru · 27/06/2024 21:22

This is a bit of a weird way for an adult to act. However, realistically you can’t say anything because it will make you look like the strange one. Has your friend said anything about it? It may be that she hasn’t noticed - having someone make a fuss of you usually feels good. However, if she feels as though the two of you are squabbling over her, it will get her down (if she is a sensible adult).

A phrase someone on here once used was “drop the rope”. If this woman seems to be in a power struggle with you over your friend, it is important that you don’t enter into it. Be friendly, happy and busy. If she talks about something she and your friend have done together say “Wow, that sounds great!” (And mean it).

And yes, make sure that you have some other friends to hang out with. No one person can meet every one of someone else’s needs.

minipie · 27/06/2024 21:27

I agree with the pp. Be the normal one. Don’t distance yourself, don’t mention the weirdness, don’t compete. Just be a normal friend like you have been all along. Sooner or later your friend will hopefully notice the weird competitive behaviour.

Original poster
greyrainbows · 27/06/2024 21:58

Thank you - totally agree I don't want to entertain any of it and happy to just leave her to it, just wondered if there was anything I could do to get her to just be a bit more normal really! It's like she's a teen girl.

I definitely wouldn't say something to either of them, would make me appear to be unhinged or jealous, which I'm not as I have no problem with their friendship, what normal friend would.. I just find the way she is either threatened by me or trying to show that she is better all the time to be a bit irritating. She is always pleasant enough to me though so it's not like she's horrible or rude, and definitely no squabbling happening thankfully!

I don't think my friend has noticed. I will carry on as I am in that case and just be friendly to her, hopefully she will get bored soon enough.

OP posts:
OptimismvsRealism · 27/06/2024 22:01

I think there's a form of abandonments anxiety that moves some adults to repeatedly refer to someone as MY BEST FRIEND.

it's so awkward and embarrassing. Your pal will feel super awkward about it but not want to say anything. Don't stress.

pizzaHeart · 27/06/2024 22:08

Could be that she’s got romantic feelings for your friend (maybe without even realizing it)?

Original poster
greyrainbows · 27/06/2024 23:16

OptimismvsRealism · 27/06/2024 22:01

I think there's a form of abandonments anxiety that moves some adults to repeatedly refer to someone as MY BEST FRIEND.

it's so awkward and embarrassing. Your pal will feel super awkward about it but not want to say anything. Don't stress.

Totally agree - I felt awkward enough referring to her as my best friend throughout the post too, it was mostly to distinguish between them, and also to provide context that we have been friends for eternity. It definitely feels kind of strange to say "best friend" at my age now though!

OP posts:
Original poster
greyrainbows · 27/06/2024 23:18

pizzaHeart · 27/06/2024 22:08

Could be that she’s got romantic feelings for your friend (maybe without even realizing it)?

She is in a long term relationship, so I'm assuming not but who knows. She doesn't have strong self esteem and I know has had friends not treat her well in the past, so part of me is wondering if she's latched on to someone who is a genuinely nice person.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 27/06/2024 23:30

This seems to be about your perception.

You refer to your "best friend", like there is a ranking system, and your post makes you sound jealous that another person can like this friend too.

You are right, it does sound really immature.

Even if there were a 'measure' of how much each of you and the other person like your friend, why does it bother you that you think she likes the mutual friend more than the amount you like her ? Confused

Original poster
greyrainbows · 27/06/2024 23:45

NewName24 · 27/06/2024 23:30

This seems to be about your perception.

You refer to your "best friend", like there is a ranking system, and your post makes you sound jealous that another person can like this friend too.

You are right, it does sound really immature.

Even if there were a 'measure' of how much each of you and the other person like your friend, why does it bother you that you think she likes the mutual friend more than the amount you like her ? Confused

No jealousy, I have no issues with the friendship, why would I? That would be a bit weird and controlling of me! I'd never want to stop a close friend of mine making other close friends, I think you've totally misunderstood here.

I referred to best friend just to try and provide context ie. I've known this person most of my life vs. The other friend. It's just weird behaviours that have got more frequent like trying to out do me all the time that I find really strange and wasn't sure how best to deal with.

Aside from this, the friend isn't horrible or bitchy or anything like that. It's just this weird underlying that she's trying to compete with me.. but I'm not planning to enter the race anyway.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/06/2024 23:48

I'm mostly just leaving things as they are and wondering if I should just take some space from my best friend and let her decide what she wants to do

This sounds really childish ^^

'Decide what she wants to do'?

It's a friendship, not a marriage.

Did you start another thread about this recently? It's very similar to one I read a week or so ago.

NewName24 · 28/06/2024 00:02

I have no issues with the friendship, why would I? That would be a bit weird and controlling of me!

Well, you said it.

I'd never want to stop a close friend of mine making other close friends, I think you've totally misunderstood here.

Well, I am only going on what you have written.

As @TwattyMcFuckFace says - this isn't a relationship like marriage, where there can only be 2 people - friends can have lots of other friends. It is just weird to be upset that someone else likes someone you are friendly with.

Original poster
greyrainbows · 28/06/2024 00:03

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/06/2024 23:48

I'm mostly just leaving things as they are and wondering if I should just take some space from my best friend and let her decide what she wants to do

This sounds really childish ^^

'Decide what she wants to do'?

It's a friendship, not a marriage.

Did you start another thread about this recently? It's very similar to one I read a week or so ago.

No I haven't posted about this before.

I didn't mean decide what to do as in make a choice between us, I meant more like whether she wants to hang out with both of us as a group or whether she wants to do something with each of us etc. basically just putting the ball in her court.

I definitely don't think of it as a marriage as I have my own! I'm not really asking my friend to do anything at all really as she doesn't need to change anything. I'm just wondering if I distance myself a bit whether the competing might stop. That's the only thing I want to change in the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
greyrainbows · 28/06/2024 00:04

NewName24 · 28/06/2024 00:02

I have no issues with the friendship, why would I? That would be a bit weird and controlling of me!

Well, you said it.

I'd never want to stop a close friend of mine making other close friends, I think you've totally misunderstood here.

Well, I am only going on what you have written.

As @TwattyMcFuckFace says - this isn't a relationship like marriage, where there can only be 2 people - friends can have lots of other friends. It is just weird to be upset that someone else likes someone you are friendly with.

As I've said I have no issue with them liking her, or anyone else liking her. I don't want my friend to have no other friends!

I thought I had made it quite clear in my post, my issue is the weird competing behaviour and one upmanship that I don't think is typical for women in their thirties. That is literally it.

OP posts:
Nocturna · 28/06/2024 00:22

This person can be someone you both think of as your best friend.

CruCru · 28/06/2024 20:41

I remember someone who used to do this (she was in my friend group but I wasn’t very close to her). She would get close to someone and go on about how they were her ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND… then she would tire of them or fall out with them and move on to the next person. It was weird.

I’ve also known people who make a huge fuss of someone to make someone else uncomfortable. If A and B are talking to each other, and they don’t like B much (for whatever reason), they’ll go up and have a really animated conversation with A. It excludes B and makes them uncomfortable but it’s too subtle to mention.

ProfessorPeppy · 28/06/2024 20:43

Isn’t this the famed Mumsnet ‘Wendying’??? You meet someone new, introduce her to your friends, and she takes them off you. You’ve been Wendied!

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