Advice on how to stop people pleasing

[Growsomeballswoman]

Just that really, in particularly how to be more assertive with a friend of many years. I've been really ill recently, I'm on the mend but it's a condition I'll always be medicated for and I've been so down and rather traumatised. Also perimenopausal very anxious and tearful. I've had to say no to meet ups recently due to health and I always am expected to travel to her, 50 miles. She wants me to go out saturday lunch and I'm just not up to it at all (my children will need to go to my parents as their dad passed away when they were smaller, and thats 20 miles away in opposite direction, so 70 miles drive for lunch. I've asked if she will come nearer to me and have been made to feel like utter shit and a crap friend etc. She has never in the last 10 years come to me (or even visited me when I had my children).

This woman isn't your friend and you need to cut her right out of your life. Honestly, op, you need to work on your boundaries and refuse to be treated like this.

I know I do. I just don't know how to or what to say.

Dear Notafriend, no, I can't come but if you'd like to come here I'm free (insert day, date, time to suit you best).

That's if you want to see her, of course. I'd not, she can't be bothered making the effort she expects you to. Sod that.

Thank you. I will indeed message something on those line. I'm feeling fragile about everything at the moment.

Please just say tell her it’s her turn to travel 70 miles for lunch and if she refuses block and delete. She is not a friend. I wouldn’t drive 70 miles for a couple of hours to raise the dead.

It helps to zoom out and just see the situation. Person A has done the travelling for years. Person B has never done the travelling and is being rude. Clearly person B is in the wrong.

Or if a friend is treating you a certain way - ask yourself would you treat a friend that way? If not, you have different values and aren’t compatible.

You tell her that this "friendship" is no longer working for you and you end it. Block her if necessary. I've done it with a 40 year friendship and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

As good method is not to think you have to explain or give a good reason. Just say you don't fancy it and if she questions you just repeat that you don't fancy it. If she still continues pushing it then, again, tell her you just don't fancy it.

You've even 'explained' to Mumsnet why you don't want to go. It's a bad habit.

If you're on the phone or face to face with her, just pause before answering anything. Take a damn big pause so you don't find yourself saying "Yes, of course I'd love to".

Then say "Let me think about it."

If people keep pressing you for a decision just repeat, "I need to think about it. I've got a lot on" but don't get into a conversation about what that might be. Change the subject or ask them to come yo you instead.

With your particular friend, I'd drop her like a hot potato, she sounds very selfish. But in general, to stop people pleasing, remember: 1. Big pause 2. I need to think about it.

Good luck x

Thank you so much for your advice.

The real key to stop being a people pleaser is that you have to stop caring what other people think. You tie yourself in knots over the irrelevant opinion of someone who doesn't even matter. The only one who you have to answer to is yourself.

Thanks again. I will compose a message and put myself first.

Definitely text/call and say you enjoy catching up but you’re not up to the travelling anymore, you’ve found the last few times it’s really taken it out of you. See if she offers to come to you, if not then I wouldn’t bother with her again.

I text explaining (yes I know there's no need to explain) I was still struggling with my health, its too far etc etc. She replied with "when will u be better?"

Say, ‘I don’t know, it might be a long road. Why don’t you come to me for lunch instead?’

Her reply will say it all, really,

What do you want from this friendship? Establish that first. When you know what you want, work on getting it.

Do you enjoy her company?
Do you want an equitable relationship where you each travel halfway?
Do you want to take turns travelling?

Or does her existence cause you stress and work? Would you actually mind if you didn’t see her for a year or three?

Or ambivalent? Kind of want to stay in touch.

If it’s the latter, it’s really easy. “Sorry Freda, I’m never going to be well enough to travel for three hours each way for lunch with you. Let me know when you’re in my area and we can meet for lunch”

If it’s the former, then “I can’t manage to get all the way to yours these days, but it would be lovely to see you. Why don’t we start meeting halfway? Dinos Diner in uxborough is great!”.

Work out what you want and make it happen. Stop wondering what you should do, what’s polite and kind. Start doing what you need and want to happen.

Nothing, do nothing

You have explained you are unwell
Nothing you say or do can or should change her response.
Just say Nothing and step back
She isn't your friend.

People pleasers,always think they can change someone's response, you can't
This is who she is, why would you consider her a friend?
Friends care, they compromise

As someone in recovery from Chronic Lifelong People Pleasing…

Objectively you know she is no friend to you - a real friend would offer you support, not make unreasonable demands. So here are some questions for you:

What are you afraid of happening if you push back on her?
How bad would that be for you? How would you feel?
Why would you feel that way?
Is that feeling reasonable? What would a reasonable feeling be?
Try out the reasonable feeling on yourself.
What would the reasonable person say or do?

So for example in this case:

1. she would be angry, and she wouldn't want to be my friend any more, and she would just keep nagging on about me visiting her without ever listening to me
2. I would feel awful - guilty, and in the wrong, and as if I wasn’t a good friend
3. Because I want approval from other people and to not rock the boat even if it makes life difficult for me and I have labelled myself as a people pleaser and that’s becoming a bit self-fulfilling
4. That’s an unreasonable feeling - where is my self-esteem? Relationships need to be reciprocal and mutually beneficial. She’s being inconsiderate and doesn’t give a shit about how I feel, she really is no friend, why should I feel guilty?
5. A reasonable feeling would be to recognise she is selfish and self centred
6. A reasonable person would say/do
7. “it’s your turn to come over here, let me know when suits”
8. or “I don’t have any bandwidth right now, I’ll be in touch to arrange when you can come over”
9. or “You are asking me to take the children to be babysat and then drive a 3 hour round trip to you for lunch, even though you know I am ill and having a tough time. You have not ever made the effort to come over to me. For me this friendship has run its course” and block her.