Private School

[Newnameagainbecause]

I loathe the thought of private school as I truly do not believe in it, however my son is being bullied, we have no realistic options for moving him to another state school and my exh is now putting pressure on me to agree to send him to an independent school.

I have no experience at all of fee paying schools.

Can I ask...if my ex is paying the fees, will I still be treated as an equal parent?

At the moment, I do everything separately from him.

He was abusive in our marriage and I have done every single school drop off ever (child is 13). Exhausted collects once or twice a week.

I'm the primary contact with school just now.

If I did agree to move schools, how would this work if I'm not the one paying? But I am the resident parent? Does it matter? Would the private school respect that I can't do joint meetings and parents evenings etc?

I can imagine exhausted may be more involved if he's paying and wants to lord it a bit.

Whole situation is awful.

Also are private schools sometimes good with SEN? I've heard the opposite but wondered about others' experience.

Just feeling overwhelmed with everything just now. Bullies at school and exhusband is bullying me as usual.

Wow a lot to unpack there OP.
Some independent schools are good with SEN and some aren't, same as state so you need to look carefully.
In your position I would just worry about him holding the fact he is paying for fees over you to control you.

It seems to have substituted exhusband with exhausted in my op. Sorry 😐

Bump

Tl:Dr what would school be like with me if I am not the one paying the fees? Will my exhusband call the shots and will I be sidelined. I cannot do joint meetings with him because of abuse.

We knew what you meant!

Only the school can answer these questions. If you know already which school, can you not talk to them?

You need to speak to the school I would think. You both should be signing the documents and contracts and you could always put yourself down as the main contact etc. Independent schools tend to be more accommodating eg if DH can't attend parents evenings he can have an email or quick Teams call with a specific teacher on another date.
Each indi school is different so you really need to speak to them directly

My ds is at an independent. They operate the same school/parent communications as any other school. Both parents are on the email list. Both receive news letters etc.

DS's school has learnt not to bother ringing my ex, not if they want a helpful reaction anyway. The financial side is irrelevant.

As for SEN, independent schools tend to be calmer and with smaller class sizes. They are more able to respond to individual needs. Whether they are willing to is a different matter. That comes down to the culture of the school.

Forget about how it is paid for, and visit each school. Ask for your child to attend taster days. My ds did three, after which he and I both decided on the same school. Listen to her views. Talk to other parents.

You will be treated as an equal parent. The education staff won't even know who pays the fees- that all happens through the bursar's office. Many children at Independent schools have their fees paid by people other than their parents (grand parents etc). It will make no difference who pays for your DS.

I would be wary about your ex paying the fees - you will both have to sign the school contract and will both be liable for the fees. If he decides for whatever reason, not to pay, how would you manage? Would you want to take the risk of having to move your DS again?

You would be treated as an equal parent though, my ex has nothing to do with school (and I pay all of the fees) but school do email him all the information that they email me, including parents evenings etc. Parents evenings are mainly online these days and they can have different parents dialling into the same call.

They do only call me though if DC is sick/has to go to detention etc. so you might want to speak to the school to make sure that you are down as the primary contact for these sorts of things.

I'm sorry you are having to navigate this difficult and painful situation, @Newnameagainbecause . I don't think the school itself will present you with any problems- as others have said, the academic and pastoral care staff won't know or care who is paying the fees, and they will have plenty of experience dealing with parents that are divorced and not necessarily on good terms.
There are a couple of areas you might need to think through and plan for. One is the selection of the school, with the potential for your ExH to weaponise this by forcing his choice of school over yours. Second is his potential for punishing and unsettling you you by being unreliable about paying the fees.
Is this something he really wants for your DS? Or a way to exercise power over you/DS? If he genuinely wants to do it he'll probably make it work. Just don't let him ever see you become invested in the choice of school or he might decide to stop paying for it, or to pay only for the specific school of his choosing, not yours.

I don't have first hand experience of this type of abuse but have a family member whose narcissistic, abusive ExH would certainly have weaponised private schooling to get at her, in these ways.

Both parents sign the forms, the school would hold details of any custody arrangements you have, they would contact both of you in event of emergency etc. We know many SEN child parents who have chosen independent settings and have seen their kids flourish. You will want to carefully pick the right private school - some (not all) focus heavily on achievement and that might not suit your kid.