Social media for teenage daughter - please talk with me (non-judgmentally)!

[DeskFan]

Hello.

I just want to know what others do about this.

14 year old DD. Has some emotional difficulties. Possible neurodiversity. Very self-conscious appearance-wise (and looks at a lot of appearance related content online). Not finding social groups easy.

I just do not know how to manage the social media issue.

I try to limit time on TikTok, using a parent app (she always asks for more time, saying she's being left out socially, and no one else has limits). Some people tell me I'm too restrictive, that she needs some freedom, that it's her social contact, that she uses screen time to power down and regulate herself. Others are horrified I let her on social media at all. Without the limits she will spend MANY hours on it. I know how damaging it can be, and sometimes I feel like I'm letting a child crack addict take crack in their room. But socially, and in terms of our relationship, it feels very unwise to take it away completely.

What do other people do? I'd really appreciate honesty. I'm dreading everyone else saying that they've got it all sorted with their teens, or don't allow it at all (which I'd LIKE to do - but it really feels complicated socially). And it does seem all her friends are on it too.

I'm sure there are other threads on this, but things seem to change so quickly in this arena...

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MANAGE THIS, AS PARENTS??

It's really hard!

My DD is only 12. We've removed TikTok completely. She has SnapChat, but we've started to really limit the time amount of time she's allowed on her phone.

She no longer takes it to school (because photos and videos showed that she was messing about on it during lessons), and has it for 1-2 hours on a night, depending what we're doing.

She's allowed it on a weekend if she goes out with friends or sleeps out, but it goes in our 'device jail' if she's just at home.

DH and I are also trying to limit the time we spend on ours to set a good example.

@HelpMePlan1 it is so hard, yes. Thanks for your response.

A year ago, I had said no to TikTok entirely. And Snapchat. Then both of them sort of ended up coming in for brief "trial" periods, and then it all seemed to just escalate and become key parts of DD's social life. I feel completely hamstrung by it, TBH.

The only person I know who entirely took away their DD's phone has just discovered that she'd got a secret new one (old phone of a friend's). And that one, of course, had no blocks or restrictions at all....

It's such a tricky one. The best way to manage it is by keeping them busy so they're not on it too much to begin with.

Another way to "manage" is to steer them towards content that is fairly harmless, like crafts,animals, hobbies etc. so their feed is full of that.

Do you look at her phone? What controls/limits does she have on it?

I'm a secondary school safeguarding lead. Plus mum of four, three of which are teens.

The only restriction I have on my 14yo is off phone at 10pm, at which time it goes on charge in my room. Aside from that he can use all the usual social media apps. However, I know his pin code and sign in and he knows I can look at his phone any time I like. So the rule is, if you wouldn't want Mum knowing you've done it, don't do it.

I'm pretty clued up with spotting voids and gaps too. So I'd spot if browsing history was deleted, or message threads vanish etc, and ask about it.

The flip side is - because of my day job, online safety issues that are a major big deal for some families are no big deal to me. So it doesn't become a 'big thing' with my own kids. I'll talk to them about nude sharing, trolling behaviour, fake news, online suicide and selfharm idealisation (and tons of other subjects) in very routine, non-judgemental, non hyped up way.

If I spot something on teens phone that im disappointed or concerned by, I'm not going to start banning or restricting them - I'm going to start lots more in-depth conversations about it. All very low-key, with them aim of me understanding why they got to that behaviour, rather than judging the behaviour itself.

In and around all of this, I encourage my teens to gave active offline lives too. They plays sports, go out with mates, watch TV with us, we eat round a table together. Basic stuff that keeps them grounded in the real world. There's a danger, I think, when the world of social media is all a child knows. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

One way to navigate it is to let her know at any time you will be removing it from her to check what she's been doing on it. I know someone that does this and it works very well.

It's addictive
It's purposely built for that
It doesn't care how it makes you feel it just wants your data
So much of it is fake

You make sure she understands this

Play her The Social Dilemma movie (netflix I think)

Explain to her the link between emotional state and SM use.

It's obviously best if she reduces/removes use herself, but if she doesn't, treat is as an addiction, like gambling machines, and take it away by force, or restrict to using when you are there.

We all go through this OP. You are not alone but a week of kicking off v months of losing their time on pointless screens is an investment. But it's painful.

Actually there are a few documentaries/films about SM scandals, harm, fairness, manipulation