Sharing/keeping family secret regardless of consequences

[shookUp]

I have just found out something that mainly at this stage affects me but also impacts wider members of my family to a lesser extent.

I've really struggled with this discovery and imagine will continue to...i don't think it will be quite as difficult for other family members to accept. I have elderly relatives that on one hand I believe should know this info but given ill health (particularly how their minds are currently (not) working) - I'm worried that telling them may have a negative impact.

I hate the thought of keeping this secret - but I don't want to do more damage with it.

Any advice?

It's not 'your' secret to reveal is it? It's something you've 'found out'? Keep it to yourself, who knows what damage you may cause.

It can be so hard to process new information OP. And secrets can feel like such a burden. They can create barriers between you and others. But it sounds as though sharing that secret with family may bring its own set of problems. You’re in a difficult position!

Is there anyone else you can talk to in confidence about this OP? Like a trusted friend or therapist or someone not connected in any way to your family.

Perhaps by talking to someone else unconnected (who you can give more details and context than on MN) you might find your way through this decision.

Hope it all goes ok for you. Try to take care of yourself!

Pretty much impossible to say without knowing the secret.

Also, what you think is a family secret is probably known by more than you think.

it really does depend on the secret! i'll give you an example.. a long time ago my DH lost a baby with his first wife at 5 months old, a good few years later his wife then admitted to harming the baby, she was arrested, not charged, he lost his other kids and ofcourse ended the marriage.. in the end she walked free.

BUT, his sister was keeping a secret.. 3 weeks after baby died, his mum ended her own life, she left notes all round the house saying she knew what had really happened and couldnt live with the knowledge, and for the finder of the notes to go to the police.

The sister destroyed the notes! to protect the brother!! now thats a secret

Thank you @newnamethanks and @SheSlays for your replies.

It was my mum's secret and she has now passed away. About a child she had years before I was born. So I have a half-sibling. I'm not 100% sure of circumstances (and probably never will be) but she was in one of those mother and baby homes in Ireland.

My elderly relatives have a niece they don't know about.

I expect they do know OP. It will have been something spoken about in hushed whispers, then never mentioned again.

Do you have any siblings that you can tell so you can emotionally support each other?

It's very big news, and I do understand from personal experience how hard it is to discover you've got a sibling you knew nothing about. I think I'd also be feeling terrible sorrow for your mother, who probably had no choice in the matter at all.

Did she leave a note or documents or something that she knew you'd find after she passed away, or has it come from someone else?

Yes, it's very likely they did know about it. It would have been very hard to conceal a pregnancy.

@beckybarefoo now this secret isn't on par with your DH - that sounds very traumatic ❤️

Mine carries a lot of trauma given the mother and baby home connection but also has the potential to be a positive in our lives - depending how everything works out.

If you want to find them do a DNA test on Ancestry and you may find some close matches that could be them or their children.

No note or anything - I was contacted by Tusla (the organisation in Ireland tasked with supporting adoptees to find relatives etc). I'd like to think others knew and my mum wasn't alone in it all.

Oh that’s a big thing to find out @shookUp no wonder you’re shaken up by it all.

I wonder if the organisation, Tusla, can offer you some support in managing this discovery. And, of course, in your understandable dilemma about whether to discuss this with older family members. Perhaps they have counselling for people affected by adoption issues. Or at least they may be able to point you in the right direction.

I imagine they would be familiar with the kinds of issues you’re facing.

You’ve made a good start in getting some support for yourself in starting this thread.

I hope this all works out ok for you 💜

You’ll likely find that the elderly relatives know already or won’t be surprised. It wasn’t and uncommon thing to happen so they’ll have known people their own age and from younger generations to them who went through it.

Yes, if she went to a mother and baby home it would almost certainly have been arranged by the family, but hidden from friends and neighbours as gone to visit relatives.

A girl I knew quite well did this 50 years ago or so, I must have been a bit dense at the time as I didn't figure it out at all until years later, after she was married and had just had a baby, another friend mentioned in passing, that it wasn't the first GC and wasn't it a pity about the one that was adopted.